My dream is 6000 sq. feet. Single family home. With a gazebo in the backyard and a pergola.
My dream is vivid. My dream is so tangible in my mind that I can imagine licking the walls and tasting plaster.
* Yep, I said... licking the walls...*
My dream is 6000 sq. feet. And I want it. I do. It doesn't make a lot of sense to a lot of people that I want a 6000 sq. foot home when I am a single woman with no children. But I sincerely do. The desire for this house and for what it represents is so strong in my heart that I often feel really close to tears because I have no idea how I will get there.
I have no idea how I will get there ... from here. And yet, I keep pushing myself to dream big. Six thousand square feet.
I've walked through the model home no less than 10 times - but probably more than that. I look over the paperwork from the builder at least once every couple of months. More often than that, makes me a bit cranky. So, every 5-6 weeks, I pull out the map of the neighborhood, the drawing of the floor plan... I pull open my Houzz account and look at all the pictures of home renovations and decor that I think will work in my dream house. I just dream... I look over all of these things, I close my eyes and then I imagine...
Walking into my new kitchen and looking at the stainless steel appliances. I picture my cookware on the stove. I hear the noise of a television playing in the background and I feel the warm, spring breeze wafting through the windows. I can smell the carpet, feel the coolness of the tile in the bathroom. And so on... you get it. For me, this house is real. It represents home. Love. Family. Success. Accomplishment. I imagine having the space for family and friends, even though I don't exactly need it.
That's my dream. It comes with a shiny new SUV in the driveway and a beautiful office, pour moi, that exudes the perfect combination of efficiency, femininity and power. I look forward to this dream life because it propels me forward.
The power of dreaming
This is difficult to say but... there was a long period of time after my treatment ended that I simply did not have the capacity to dream of a beautiful life. I couldn't give myself permission to think of the future. I lived from moment to moment. Often crying in between moments. As I dare to dream a little, I grow a bit stronger.
Three years ago, I wasn't sure I'd be here today at all. The year following the completion of my treatment was extremely hard emotionally. Looking back, I felt like I was walking on shards of glass. It was difficult to function because I was struggling with thoughts that the cancer would come back. With recurrence fears dictating my moves (well, restricting me from moving to be honest), I worried that all the dreams I had prior to my diagnosis just would not come to fruition. I was resigned to the notion that my life was over, even though I was alive and my medical reports were fine.
I didn't feel safe anymore. Breast cancer stole my sense of comfort in the world. All I kept thinking was... they say that I'm fine now, but I was fine before I felt that lump in 2008. How is this fine more secure than that fine? It isn't. How can I dream of a future, plan for what's next when, at any moment, I might be back at the cancer center getting chemo infusions?
Over and over and around and around. Those were my thoughts and fears. It was exhausting. And frightening.
My dream grew.
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| This helped me to dream again. |
My blog started to flourish and get attention from influential members of the breast cancer community. My dream grew more. I smiled more. And I started to believe more. One day while my boyfriend and I were out, I remembered this house that I'd seen and I suggested that we go visit the model. It was as wonderful as I remembered. So many dreams rushed back to me as I walked through. I think he thought I was nutty but I was in my own personal heaven.
It is difficult to describe or adequately explain, but once my 5 year cancerversary came (and went), I realized that I just couldn't keep holding my breath waiting for "what if". I began to question my negative thoughts and fearful ones... and I just got to a point where I decided that I am here and it is okay to dream.
So, I'm dreaming of 6,000 square feet. That's MY dream. Not my boyfriend's, not my family's... mine. I want it for my own reasons. I'm working towards it for the joy I believe that it will bring me. For me to get there... from here... will require a lot of hard work, faith and good luck actually. But I believe in the power of my dreams. These dreams are keeping me alive by giving me something to look forward to and to work towards.
How big is your dream? And are you willing to work for it? What's holding you back? What tricks do you use to keep yourself motivated?
Read more about the early days of celebrating my cancerversary:
A NEW WAY TO EMPHASIZE MY SURVIVOR STATUS
BE BOLD WITH IT... LOVE YOURSELF WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW
I SORT OF SKIPPED MY CANCER-VERSARY THIS YEAR
(where we discuss the breast cancer life)
(where I discuss any and everything!)
(be inspired, laugh a little, follow my crazy life)
