I learned, along with the rest of the world, that Melissa Harris-Perry and her husband welcomed a new baby into their lives on Valentine's day. After a lot of guessing from a lot of news sources, she finally admitted to having the baby with the help of a surrogate. She explained in her essay [How we made our miracle] that because of her struggle with uterine fibroids, she had a hysterectomy. And shortly after making that devastating choice, she met the man she would marry. Familiar story to me.
Isn't that always the way that things work out?
Before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was familiar with fibroids but I didn't deal with them personally. Many of my friends and several family members have them so I knew how devastating they could be. I have family members who experienced miscarriages due to their fibroids and who ultimately had to have a hysterectomy. Fibroids are highly common among black women. I have learned since my diagnosis that I too have them. Right now, they are an annoyance but not causing me a lot of problems so I leave them alone. And pray that things don't get worse.
While it was fibroids that rendered Melissa Harris-Perry infertile, for me it was treatment for my breast cancer. Specifically, my chemotherapy treatment. I was in my late 30's when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I still had hope for children and motherhood. But because my cancer was advanced and chemotherapy was necessary, I learned that it was very likely that my fertility would be compromised. Chemotherapy can cause ovarian failure or send a woman into early menopause. According to FertileHope, a non-profit that specializes in providing information about infertility in breast cancer patients, 40 - 80% of patients treated with cyclophosphamide (a very highly used chemotherapy drug) will experience ovarian failure. Some doctors place that number at 4 out of 5 chemotherapy breast cancer patients.
That is a lot of women.
So when I heard about Melissa Harris-Perry's surrogacy, I understood the choice she made. Although we didn't have the same medical issues, the choice to become a mother at 40 isn't one that is made easily or frivolously. Choosing to use a surrogate is a viable option for many infertile couples. And I am really glad that the option is available.
Approximately 11,000 young women are diagnosed with breast cancer each year. Some of those women will go on to give birth to healthy, happy babies. Many of us will not. And for those who may want to, infertility treatments are extensive and costly. Surrogacy may provide alternatives for young women who still desire to have children.
While I have opted not to go through any infertility treatments, I do often wonder what kind of mother I might have been. I don't linger there though because my life is a good one and I am surrounded by love, including the children of family members, friends and my guy. I may not ever be a mom, but I'm a pretty good auntie. And I'm okay with that. Breast cancer changed the trajectory of my life; but it didn't change that I could choose to have a good life.
*Young women face concerns with breast cancer that their older counterparts do not have to deal with; namely fertility concerns' living longer with side effects of treatment; relationship/dating concerns and career issues. Our journey with this disease is compounded by our relative youth and the life goals that are altered by this part of our journey.
*Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase using these links this blog will earn a commission. Your prices will not be affected by this.*
Well, for me, last week was a terrible blur. First the snowy weather caused my honey and I to cancel our valentine and anniversary plans. That was a bummer but we just delayed things for a week. Then, I managed to eat something that wasn't quite right... and ended up with a wicked case of food poisoning. I was sick for several days. It was terrible.
You need to have a "sick kit" handy
Recently on pinterest I stumbled upon this wonderful idea called a "sick kit". A sick kit is a box of handy items that you keep on hand to have in case you (or someone in your house) gets suddenly ill and you don't want to have to run out to the store to grab these things. I'm not one of those super-organized chicks, so to me... this was absolutely an amazing idea. Of course you can change/alter the items to suit your preferences but these are the items that I have decided that I need in my sick kit.
The food poisoning was harsh on my system so eating solid foods just wasn't possible. I was pretty miserable (and pretty gross to be honest). Sometimes being single comes in handy... (laughs). I made sure to drink plenty of water and I tried to eat a little soup when I could. But the first 24 hours, that wasn't the best idea. However, your sick kit could include some chicken noodle soup (which is great when you have a cold or the flu), or perhaps some tomato soup. Whatever you prefer. I tried to keep my sick kit simple enough to cover a few different things. Just remember that if you're sick, a bland diet is best. Rice, toast, broth, apple sauce, and perhaps green bananas (can't put those in a sick kit though)... are all gentle on your digestive system.
A few things that I didn't include in my list, but I did have handy included:
lip balm (I prefer carmex, but Burt's Bees is pretty good)
ginger ale
straws
paper towels/napkis
thermometer
eye mask
a hooded sweatshirt (yes, I was bundled up in the bed in a hoodie. I would share a picture but I was a frightful looking thing...)
Everything in one place provides peace of mind.
Now, to be honest, I have all these things in my home. Okay, most of them. The problem is that they're in a bunch of different places. For my sick kit, I made sure to include things I could pop into the microwave, versus having to cook something on the stove. Those extra few minutes of preparation is just more time that you're not resting. The first few hours that I was sick, I was lucky that I keep a 2 quart jug of water in my room to help me with my daily water intake. If not for that handy jug, I would have been in trouble. I didn't have the strength to go farther than the bathroom and then back to bed. With that water nearby I could stay hydrated from my bed.
I'm working on my sick kit this week and I'll probably keep it in the closet. You may want to keep yours in your pantry or your kitchen -- wherever you're most likely to be able to get to it quickly but still have it out of the way (so that you're not tempted to reach in and use the items). Oh! By the way, you can save yourself some space by purchasing travel size medicine for your kit and the mini-bottles of water and gatorade. And be sure to periodically check your kit for expiration dates and to be sure that everything you want is still in place.
I have to tell you, I was pretty terrified that I would be too sick to celebrate my first anniversary and Valentine's day with my honey. By the weekend, I was feeling good enough to continue our plans. My body is still recovering, but I am pretty much back to normal now. I had a wonderful Valentine's day (even a week late it was perfect). I'm pretty excited that my health care efforts paid off.
How was your Valentine's day? Do you have a sick kit to get through these harsh winter months?
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It is the day that we celebrate love in our lives and in our world. Today is the day that you make a little more effort to let your loved ones know that they are special an you don't take them for granted. To me, it is one of the best days in the year.
I love LOVE!
Survivors live in a world where we're exalted for "winning the battle" against breast cancer. We're lifted up and told that we are so brave, we are so inspiring, we are so awesome to have faced a terrible illness and made it through. People admire us. People are enthralled with our stories about the pain, the surgeries, the struggles with nausea, etc. We usually take all of this admiration in stride and sometimes with a smile and a wave. I will admit that I also take the admiration with a tear and a wince. It feels like a lot of pressure some days to be a superhero. I don't often feel like Wonder Woman. Just Nicole. Or Nic Nac Paddywack to my friends on Facebook. I am simply a girl with a sensitive heart and a penchant for words... who had to fight really hard for her life for a couple of years. If anyone would have to trade places with me, I suspect that they would fight for their lives too. Is it admirable or inspiring? I guess. But so is love. And that is something that is available to all of us every day. Even if it doesn't come in the package that you expect it to.
I have been falling head over heels in love with my boyfriend for the past year. Our anniversary is in two days but today is a very special milestone for us. Valentine's day means something wonderful to each of us. It did before we ever met. And it is one of the things that drew us to each other. Call it corny if you need to but it works for us. We love love.
But, we live in a world today that puts a lot of value and energy behind being negative, sarcastic, bitter and snarky. I will raise my hand and admit that sometimes I am all of these things too. I can find humor in snark and sarcasm. But I am not always that way and I am particularly not that way about Valentine's day. Here's why: the gift of life is the gift of love.
You are here... and you have a chance, one more chance, to be kind and loving and open to someone in your life. Instead of pining for the love that is lost to you (for whatever reason) why can't we look for ways to simply say or show the people who remain in our lives that they mean something to us? That our lives are enriched by them?
Show someone that you love them and see what happens
I spent the past month writing a love letter to my boyfriend every day. I set up a private blog just for our eyes, and each day I thought of a new way to tell him that I love him. I shared poetry, pictures, music videos... I wrote long rambling letters and short quick notes. I made jokes and created graphics... I was honest about my feelings and my perceived shortcomings. I told him over and over how very grateful I am that he chose to share his heart with me. And I did that because I wanted him to know and to be certain that I am grateful for his love. In return, I have never felt more cherished and loved in my whole life.
Five years ago, I loved a man while I was going through breast cancer treatment. And when I explained to him that I loved Valentine's day, he responded that he hated the day and he refused to acknowledge it. He told me that he would rather spend Valentine's day with his college friends, than with his girlfriend who had been through 4 months of chemotherapy, had lost her left breast to a mastectomy and was weak and tired from radiation therapy. He told that woman, who was fighting for her life, that her desire to spend quality time with her boyfriend mattered less than his desire to be at a party. A month later we broke up.
It wasn't because I felt that I needed some huge gift from him. It was not because I expected him to show up with a large floral arrangement and some chocolates. All I wanted was to see his face and be reassured that despite my outward appearance, he still saw my heart. He did not.
I cried and cried... my heart broke in a million more pieces. Eventually, I picked up those pieces of my heart, I found my voice and the relationship ended. I was sad about it for a long, long time. Too long to be honest. (I'm talking years...too long) So when Marcus came along... well, I still loved Valentine's day but my spirit had been battered from hearing too many people say how useless Valentine's day was.
Worthy in October but not in February?
Let me tell you something... you take a woman who has lost her hair, her breast, her spirit... who has to undergo treatments that make her sick, make her gain weight and lose weight, that puffs her up so terribly that she can barely recognize herself in the mirror... You take that woman who questions the very essence of her femininity because of all that she's been through and you tell that woman that she is worthy of all the praise and worship in October but is worth none of that in February?! How dare you?
Dismiss the commercial aspect of valentine gifts if you need to. But do not dismiss the value that a sincere expression of love means to someone in your life.
I love love. I love Valentine's day. And I will not apologize for it. I love my boyfriend. Because he has had every reason to hate this day and the thought of love and yet he doesn't. He looks at me with love in his eyes, every time he sees me. He loves this battered and scarred body. He allows my bohemian spirit to fly free and he is tickled by it. He loves my corny nerdy nature and we mind-wrestle in heady conversations about life, economics, history, art... you name it and we discuss it. And he brings me joy. So, to all of my pink ribbon sisters and the people who love them... and to all of you who admire us in October but want to ignore us in February... Happy Valentine's day! I love you. I see you. And I connect my heart to yours today and always. Your beauty and strength are a testament to the goodness that this world has. You are worthy of so much love and admiration, not just in October or even February. You are worthy of love every single day that you are here. You are the essence of femininity, grace and strength. And I salute you. Happy Valentine's day.
Being transparent about depression is hard. Being transparent about depression is necessary. If you are grappling with feelings of depression please know that you are not alone. I once fought against depression and suicidal thoughts as well. [Disclaimer: I am not a therapist nor a counselor. I am a survivor sharing her thoughts and experiences. The National Suicide Prevention Line can be reached at 1-800-273-TALK (8255)]
Years before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was diagnosed with depression. To say that it was a tough period in my life is an understatement. I had never felt so low and so useless in all of my life. My world collapsed. And it took quite some time for me to come of that very dark place. In the height of my depression, I had days where I couldn't leave my apartment or wouldn't leave my bed. Days upon days. I would have frightening dreams and desires of running my truck off the road and into a ditch or a tree, just to be done with things. I stopped driving after awhile. (I've never told anyone that before...) I found a great therapist and with cognitive behavioral therapy and a prescription of anti-depressants, I eventually emerged from that place. I had fallen far down the rabbit hole, but when I started thinking about ending my life, it was time for me to speak to a professional. I was supported by my closest friends who knew, my manager at work and my family. Ultimately, I learned how to cope with negative stressors and triggers. I try not to think about that time too much. Not because of embarrassment or shame but because the things that were at the root of my depression no longer hold me in their grip. Several years after battling depression, I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer.
Sometimes my luck is so bad that its good.
Though traumatic, dealing with my depression issues prior to my breast cancer gave me the tools to handle the intense emotions that came with my diagnosis and treatment. It also made me aware that sometimes medication can affect your moods and send you spiraling into a depression as well. Knowing that made me a better breast cancer patient. I became more aware of my own mood shift and behavior changes and I learned to monitor myself for changes and shifts. A tough time but a necessary skill for this tough world. My point in sharing all of this is that, as cliche as it sounds, life can go on despite whatever you're going through. Depression can be terrible, but you can emerge from its shadows and take your life back. If you're interested in reading more of my thoughts and experiences with depression, I've linked to the previous posts below. Just know that you are not alone. I am with you and if I can emerge from the darkness, you can too. Having cancer, being depressed and considering suicide Mood swings as side effects Sharing one of my dark secrets Love yourself right where you are Some days I don't want to share my feelings Depression worries and Farrah inspires me Fighting depression If you've dealt with depression or are interested in learning more about it, I invite you to join me on a twitter chat this evening at 9pm EST. The hashtag is #DayOfLight. For details about this movement, please go to Pushing Lovely Day of Light Information.
Join Pushing Lovely and me on the #DayOfLight, Wednesday, February 5th.
We are taking to social media to bring depression out of the dark.
Depression is something that many breast cancer survivors have to deal with. Being diagnosed with breast cancer and going through the subsequent treatments is overwhelming and traumatic. For many of us, we feel isolated and alone and that can lead to a downward spiral. We also are prescribed medication that can affect our sensitivity to depression. However, we don't have to stay in that place. And we do not have to be ashamed of our feelings and struggles with depression.
I was diagnosed with depression prior to my diagnosis of breast cancer. With great counseling and medication for a short while, I pulled myself out of the dark. I am here to say that it is possible and that you can overcome this.
What
is Depression?
Depression is a common but serious mental illness
typically marked by sad or anxious feelings. These feelings tend to
linger for periods longer than 2 weeks at a time and interfere with
daily activities. Depression does not discriminate based on age, race,
gender or sexuality.You are not alone.Depression is often an illness of
isolation. People suffer in silence, and frequently feel as if they are
alone. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) more
than 20 million people in the United States suffer from depression. Join
Pushing Lovely as we work together to bring depression out of the dark
and declare February 5th, 2014 the #DayOfLight.
What is #DayOfLight?
#DayOfLight
was created to shine a light on depression, and share resources for
those who are struggling with the mental illness. Bloggers from all over
the country are collaborating on Wednesday, February 5th to flood
social media with personal stories about living with depression, and
accurate information on managing and living with the mental illness.
How Can You Participate?
Write
a blog post sharing your personal experience of depression and/or share
resources to help others. Add the #DayOfLight hashtag in your post
title.
Watch the #DayOfLight Google Hangout on Wednesday, February 5th at 11 AM EST. Tweet and ask questions. (http://bit.ly/1ilifbP)
Turn
your social media avatars black and white on Wednesday, February 5th so
we can visually represent all of those affected by depression.
Share
inspiring tweets, posts, and photos on social media to encourage those
who are suffering with depression to let them know that they are not
alone. Use the hashtag #DayOfLight.
Best Valentine Ever! @JamesHPerry and I welcomed our daughter yesterday! #TinyNerdinNerdland pic.twitter.com/PEHuBdUaRG
While I have opted not to go through any infertility treatments, I do often wonder what kind of mother I might have been. I don't linger there though because my life is a good one and I am surrounded by love, including the children of family members, friends and my guy. I may not ever be a mom, but I'm a pretty good auntie. And I'm okay with that. Breast cancer changed the trajectory of my life; but it didn't change that I could choose to have a good life. .png)
