How Farrah Fawcett helped me to handle being on disability when I wanted to return to work
I deleted my post from Thursday about going back on disability. Those of you who read the blog through the RSS feed (direct emails) got a chance to see my thoughts. I deleted it because I was worried about any fallout from discussing the job in a negative way.
(shrug)
I didn't say anything bad, but I was pretty emotional when I wrote it and I didn't take time to reflect on how I was feeling and the best way to approach the matter.
Bottomline, I'm back on disability. I was sent home on Thursday because the people in my office didn't think I was doing so well.
When you feel like you're doing something great... but other people feel like you're a mess, how do you cope?
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| Rest in peace Angel. Farrah Fawcett |
The truth is that sometimes other people see you in ways that you cannot see yourself. I live in a bubble of sorts... I'm surrounded by people who love me and want to see me survive and thrive through this latest challenge. So, to hear from strangers (over the phone) and hear that people who only vaguely know me (my co-workers) that they are worried about my abilities... really was devastating.
Will this set-back cause an emotional fall-out? Good question.
Lately, I've been very concerned with my emotional health. Not that I feel like I'm doing very poorly emotionally, but some days I do struggle. Some days, it is HARD, hard, hard. I am not as angry as I was months back but the sadness... it is always pretty close by. And that frightens me. I haven't been diagnosed for a full year yet. So I want my life back now... it is too hard being a patient 24/7.
Although I wasn't exactly thrilled with my job after I returned (things were very different)... it did get me out of the house and among other people. Being put back on short-term disability felt like being pushed back down a staircase you've worked hard to climb. I've been kicking myself, asking myself what I could have done differently, done better. And I don't know. There's always something that I think I can improve upon. I wonder if I'm too hard, not hard enough... am I doing this right?
There are no easy answers.
The research tells the story about depression and breast cancer - and it is a scary story.
True to myself... I did a quick search for depression and breast cancer and also suicide and breast cancer. (yes, I did) I had to see for myself what was out there, what others have dealt with and gone through just to see where I fell on the scale.
I was mortified to learn that black women breast cancer survivors are almost 3 times more likely to commit suicide than other survivors. This includes a period of up to 25 years beyond breast cancer. Wow.
Now, to put things in perspective, the number is relatively small considering the number of women who have to handle breast cancer... so its not like we're talking about an epidemic. But there is definitely a reported number of women who struggle with depression during and after breast cancer. And a small number of those women end up committing suicide.
Its a frightening thought.
I know, talking about depression is well... depressing. I know. Keep reading though.
I looked up depression because the fear of depression coming into my life scares me deeply. And the emotions that bubbled up on Thursday reminded me of a darker period in my life. I needed to head it off at the pass.
Naturally there are lots of reasons/contributing factors to the depression that are directly linked to breast cancer treatments -- including taking tamoxifen for hormonal treatments. I've been prescribed tamoxifen...to help prevent recurrence.
Arrrghhh... is there ever an easy answer, an easy choice on this journey?
Right this moment, I am trying to motivate myself to go to a birthday party tonight. Earlier this week, I really wanted to go. Now, I'm not sure. But then... after reading about depression and suicide and breast cancer -- I feel like I need to force myself out of the house and interact with people.
I think I'm going to go. I need to mingle among other people and laugh and feel free for a little while. I refuse to go down into the pit of depression.
Re-
Fuse.
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| I love this picture. It reminds me of my childhood. Designer jeans and Nike Cortez's were my standard outfit in high school. Riding a skateboard... something I loved to do. Go Farrah! |
Farrrah was amazing... and I love her for fighting her diagnosis to the end. Cancer didn't take her easily and it won't take me easily either. It is all about perspective.
Farrah Fawcett has never been a "hero" of mine. Well, maybe when I was a little girl and she was one of "Charlie's Angels". But generally speaking, I've only thought of her as "fluff"... pretty much the way I consider most entertainers. Though I didn't get to see her documentary her death touched me deeply. Every time I learn about another cancer death, it affects my mood and my spirit. Farrah's death actually has been more difficult for me than Michael Jackson's death. Because I know that she has exercised a lot of faith, a lot of courage and a lot of strength just to live to June 2009.
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| Click here to buy Ryan O'Neal's book. |
The faith to keep trusting doctors, the faith to keep trying new treatments, the courage to get on planes and fly between countries looking for answers, the faith and the courage to say yes to the marriage proposal of Ryan O'Neal...the courage to keep smiling, and keep filming... through the pain and through the knowledge that the end was near.
In retrospect, while I was disappointed that I was sent home... I have to remember that in the end, its for my benefit. If I'm not strong enough to work (even if I feel like I am on the inside) then I should take the time to allow my body to fully heal. Pressing myself to do more than I'm able to will only slow down my progress. And the goal is to completely heal from breast cancer.
Today Farrah is definitely my hero.
If I had enough hair, I would rock the "Farrah flip" in her honor. But instead, I will put on some snazzy trousers and some heels and go to this party like nothing's bothering me and my body is in perfect health.
That's all for now... How do you get beyond feeling bad about things you cannot control? I can always use new ideas to shake off the blues.
