My pain with infertility was exposed on Being Mary Jane

Mary Jane outed my pain with infertility

*This post contains spoilers. If you have not seen the show... scroll to the bottom to watch and then scroll back up to read. If spoilers don't bother you, read now and then watch.*

One of my favorite shows on television these days is Being Mary Jane, on BET. The show's protagonist, Mary Jane Paul feels like my wealthy alter-ego. So much of what she experiences emotionally resonates with my life, or the experiences of my friends. Her issues with dating, family, career balance... and now fertility... all ring perilously close to my own life. Its almost frightening how on point this show feels.

The last couple of episodes dealt with Mary Jane's attempt to freeze her eggs. So much of this story reminds me of the emotional whirlwind I felt when I was faced with making a decision about my own fertility just before I started chemotherapy for breast cancer. I was already shell-shocked from the diagnosis but learning that chemotherapy could fry my fertility (or push me into early menopause) was devastating. At the time, I still had hope that I would be able to become a mother. I was in my late 30's but I didn't think that was too late to conceive or carry a child.

Breast cancer changed everything.

Because my cancer was found at stage 3 and was very aggressive, my medical team did not want me to delay treatment for any reason. They were very afraid of my cancer metastasizing to my bones or other organs. Considering the placement of my tumors and the fact that cancer was discovered in my lymph nodes, they had every reason to be afraid for me. I didn't understand how serious that was at the time, but now I know.

I was given the options of egg harvesting and freezing or putting my ovaries to sleep. Because I, like Mary Jane, understood that many of my peers were undergoing cryopreservation, I started with that choice. First, I discovered that it was not covered by my medical insurance or my benefits package. That was surprising and a major blow for me. Second, I discovered that it was far more expensive than I thought. For me, the cost would have been upwards of $15,000 per attempt. And there was no guarantee that viable eggs would be harvested. It was advised that I should try more than once. Unlike Mary Jane, I couldn't afford that. So I opted to put my ovaries to sleep.

In the show, Mary Jane had to inject herself with hormones daily to coax her eggs into position. In order to put my ovaries to sleep, I had to be injected with a long needle for a few weeks before I sat for my chemotherapy infusion. No one likes needles. But believe me when I tell you that a really long needle stuck in your abdomen is really unpleasant.

I felt that putting my ovaries to sleep was a gamble. There was no guarantee that my ovaries would wake up after my treatment ended or whether my eggs would be viable after chemotherapy. I had to wish and pray that it worked out. I was already wishing and praying that my cancer treatment would work, so I went for it.

When Mary Jane discovered, on live television, that her cycle of hormones did not produce enough viable eggs and that her fertility was compromised... the meltdown that occurred was painful to watch... and more painful to remember.

My cycle did not resume for over 2 years and then it came back spotty, strange and inconsistent. I am unable to have children now and the pain of that still hurts, though less now than before. I love my life, but letting go of the dream of childbirth is hard and difficult.

What struck me most was the way that the news hit her family. Specifically, her mother and her girlfriend. Most of the time when I cry about my infertility, I am alone and I cry in silence. The grief is mine and I do not wish to share it with others. But, I am typically angered at the insensitivity of many people about the emotional pain that may lie behind any woman's choice (or ability) to have children. The world is presumptuous and cruel and will make huge leaps in logic regarding the "woman-ness" of any woman who does not have children.

I am without children. That does not make me "not a woman" though. I am still a woman. Still feminine. I'd like to be respected for that on its own. Not defined by my inability to bear a child. Nor the status of my boobies. I am still a woman.  

Mary Jane's mother made comments that were, to me, cruel and insensitive and selfish. Her girlfriend took the moments after she heard the news to try to make her feel badly about who she was as a woman and a career-woman. In the midst of her own personal grief, two people who should have been able to love her and show compassion were so wrapped up in their own garbage that they couldn't even give her room to be sad for what she had lost.

Jokes and unsolicited comments about my womb... not welcomed here

At the end of the show, Mary Jane's father gave her a good talk and it reminded me of a conversation that my father and I had once. Life doesn't always bring us exactly what we ask for, the way that we ask for it. Sometimes we have to really face ourselves in the mirror and be honest about what we want and why we want it and what we are willing to do to have it. 

In hindsight, I can admit that I was petrified at the notion of being a mother and a wife - even though I wanted both. I kept waiting for the "right" guy because I felt that he would fill the gaps that I felt I had for those roles. I wanted it... but I wanted it to be perfect and to fit my fairy tale image in my mind. I convinced myself that I had time and I kept seeking the impossible. I wasn't really aware that I was doing that... but I was.

I wasn't honest with myself about it because I felt like I would be considered less than accomplished if I didn't hit certain career markers first. I never hit those markers and I never got the fantasy family I wanted either.

Once I got honest with myself, I realized that I was the common denominator in every failed relationship I had and I accepted that I had been living a life that I thought was right according to other people's choices for me but that never felt right to me. That doesn't work. I readjusted my sails and set a new course and so far, things are looking great.

I am happier today than I was when I put my ovaries to sleep years ago. My wish didn't come true the way I expected it to but I am still quite happy with how things are unfolding. I still grieve the loss of my fertility and I suspect that I always will. I try not to think about it too much. But I accept responsibility for not making my desire for a family a primary choice for my life. I believed that eventually would come. It never does.

I wish I knew that then.

My advice to those who are still searching... accept what you want in your heart and chart a course to get it. I already know that you know deep inside what you want. Just like I did. Embrace it and go for it. This life is yours. You do not owe anyone anything but to be happy.

Watch: Being Mary Jane Full Episode: No Eggspectations

Shameless plug: 

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