It is my joy to help you understand

Let me help you understand this breast cancer life

I just read a very insightful blog post about dating someone with metastatic breast cancer. I will share that blog post in another post. The discussion was deep and candid and moving. As a single girl, dating with this disease was a huge concern for me when I was diagnosed and while I went through treatment. But after reading it, it occurred to me that I needed to approach my blog in a slightly different way. People need to understand the basic parts about this life. And that's where I think I fit in. 

Cancer is a huge disease

There is soooo much to know and learn about this disease and this world. The cancer world is vast and huge. Each cancer is different. And there are about 100 different diseases that fall under the umbrella term "cancer". So, let me be clear up front:  I am NOT a breast cancer expert. I am neither a clinician nor a researcher. I am not a medical doctor, not an oncologist, nor a psychologist. I am not a social worker or a support group leader. 

I survived breast cancer. Not everyone does. That is part of the journey and the education. 

I am a breast cancer survivor. Everyone doesn't survive this disease (though more of us do than you might think). The experience of going through breast cancer treatment makes all the difference between thinking you know what its like, and really knowing what it is like to be diagnosed with breast cancer and to undergo treatment for it.  

I've been blogging strictly from my experience and sharing things as I've encountered them (or remembered them) and now that I am a few years beyond the end of my treatment, I realize that while I am reasonably well-versed in cancer-ology (laughs) most of the world is not. And when it touches your life (either personally or through a loved one's diagnosis), there is a lot to learn. Fast.

Since I am "experienced" with breast cancer intimately. And since I love blogging, I will take your hand and help you to understand this disease to the best of my ability. I am not a physician and if you have medical questions, PLEASE seek medical attention for a complete diagnosis and to understand YOUR cancer. Every cancer is different and has a different plan for treatment. The choices I made were based on the options available to me. Your plan might be completely different. 

Your life will always be different. But that is okay. 

The day that you learn that you (or your loved one) has been diagnosed with breast cancer, everything changes.  But, the newly diagnosed person is still the same person. They just have a new challenge to face.  

I want your questions and your concerns

I'm not a counselor or a medical professional. I am a survivor who cares though. And I know that there are questions that you want to ask but may not know where to turn. Feel free to connect with me and I will do my best to answer your questions or point you in the right direction if I can't answer them.

You can leave me a comment below, send me an email, connect on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter or Google+. The links to all of those connections are on this page. 

You're welcome to contact me in any way just to say hello or share a joke... whatever. We're in this together. 

The phases of Nicole: before cancer, during chemo, after my mastectomy and the final product. Me again!

50 Affirmations for Breast Cancer Survivors

50 affirmations for breast cancer survivors

Going through breast cancer treatment is very hard. Adjusting to life after breast cancer can be pretty difficult too. One thing that helped me throughout my treatment and during my post-treatment time, is positive affirmations.

It is a simple practice that helps to center my mind to focus on the good that I want to see happen in my life. If you read "The Secret" then you may be familiar with the process of positive affirmations and visualization.


My confession is that I really haven't been using my affirmations the way that I should. But, new year, new me... so I'm going back to the basics and I'm going to share with you. Below I have listed 50 affirmations that will help breast cancer survivors to focus on feeling healthy, prosperous and whole. Feel free to use any of these, or create your own.

Choose affirmations that resonate with your spirit and feel right to you. My practice is to recite them out loud to myself two times a day -- when I wake up for the day and just before I go to sleep for the night. Since I am particularly hard headed and stubborn, I pick no more than 3 affirmations and repeat each one between 5 and 10 times. I need the repetition. Do this for a week or longer and see the positive changes in your life.

Positive thinking and affirmations may seem too simple to make a difference, but the positive change in your mindset helps you in a lot of ways.

1. I am conquering my illness; I am defeating it steadily each day.
2. I wake up today with strength in my heart and clarity in my mind.
3. I am at peace with all that has happened, is happening, and will happen.
4. The world is a peaceful, Loving and enjoyable place to live.
5. I release my past and live with calm and serenity.
6. I AM free to be me and express myself openly.
7. Everyone around me is at peace with each other.
8. I AM living a long and healthy Life.
9. I attract romance in the most magical and unexpected ways.
10. My relationship with (insert name) is growing more romantic and loving every single day.
11. I AM blessed with more friends than I could ever imagine.
12. I always have more than enough money to meet my needs.
13. Unexpected money simply falls into my lap.
14. God is my Source and Supply for all material and spiritual Substance.
15. I attract only lucrative, enjoyable and beneficial circumstances.
16. I will always have more than enough money.
17. Opportunities and advantages come with each door that I open.
18. I attract only lucrative, enjoyable and beneficial circumstances.
19. The positive advantage is always mine.
20. God provides me with only beneficial circumstances.
21. I use all of my experiences and knowledge to benefit my Life and others.
22. I AM provided all of the benefits that Life has to offer.
23. I choose to radiate love, joy and gratitude today.
24. I release my need to impress others.
25. I choose to accept myself just the way I am!
26. I release my need to compare myself to others.
27. I judge myself by my own standards of success.
28. I am ENOUGH just as I am.
29. I honor my need to rest and recharge.
30. Today, I am brimming with energy and overflowing with joy.
31. My body grows stronger every day.
32. All of my interactions with medical personnel will be positive and pleasant.
33. My surgery (or other treatment) will go well and my body will heal perfectly.
34. My discomfort or pain is temporary. I feel better every day.
35. I forgive those who have harmed me in my past and peacefully detach from them.
36. I deserve to be employed and paid well for my time, efforts, and ideas. Each day, I am closer to finding the perfect job for me.
37. I am blessed with an incredible family and wonderful friends.
38. I am surrounded by love and friendship.
39. Help is available when I need it.
40. I am a strong and capable person.
41. I am sexy and feminine.
42. I am loved.
43. The perfect partner for me is coming into my life sooner than I expect.
44. My life is just beginning.
45. I eat healthy, nutritious and digestible food every day.
46. I refuse to let anything or anyone hold me back.
47. I am thankful for this beautiful day and the infinite possibility it holds. I know something good is going to happen
48. I am focused on doing what I was put here on earth to do. Everything else is a distraction.
49. I am beautiful and worthy of every truly beautiful thing
50. I am here for a reason. Nothing about my life is an accident. I am just as God intended me to be.

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Side effects of cancer treatment: Feeling like "the fly" over here...

The side effects of breast cancer treatment

Remember the movie "The Fly" with Jeff Goldblum? Came out in 1986 or so. There was a scene after he and the fly had merged, and he was going through his metamorphosis... where his nails were coming off. It was so gross... they just plucked off like they were never really attached to his fingers.

I'm feeling that way because last night, I nearly pulled off two fingernails in my sheets, while I was tossing and turning trying to sleep. My insomnia is back... and the hot flashes are still here... so my nights are really long. All of which combine to make Nic a bit of an emotional wreck these days.

Today was the planning visit for my radiation therapy. Basically, today they lined me up in the machine, marked and tattooed my body for the areas that they will radiate over the next two months. It wasn't painful -- well, except for having to hold my left arm over my head at an awkward angle. My range of motion is seriously limited since the surgery so, that was unpleasant but generally it wasn't so bad.

So... tell me why I cried through the whole process? The therapist thought I was in pain because my eyes were leaking... when it was just a build up of frustration I think. I didn't sleep much last night -- maybe an hour or so total (and that was stretched over the whole night, 20 mins here and there).

I am so tired of being sick. Of going to the doctor. Of being shoved into machines. Of wearing those tired gowns with the back open. I'm tired of showing all my goodies to the world -- so much so that I don't even blink anymore when a room full of people look at my bare chest. (shrug) I just don't care anymore. I am tired of prescription bottles and sweating all night. I'm tired of staring in mirrors so hard -- looking, wishing, hoping that I'm really seeing some hair growth. I'm tired of being so physically tired. Having no energy, barely able to walk down a hallway without getting winded. I'm tired of looking at my own walls all day every day. Hell... I'm even tired of cold weather. :)

I know that this is something I have to go through and I'm grateful that my illness wasn't worse. I'm not looking forward to going through surgery again for my breast reconstruction. But I really don't think I could go through the rest of my life with one breast. It really doesn't bother me too much right now to have one breast -- because things are still bandaged and stitched together... I'm still healing. But once these stitches dissolve/fall away... once my range of motion comes back (with exercise I learned today...) looking at that scar (the way it is today) would probably keep me in an emotional place that I don't think I will want to stay in. For that, I'm hopeful that the reconstruction will assist me in moving forward with my life.

I will always think of cancer, think of these days and months a certain way. But I won't always look like I look today. And I'm hoping that not looking a certain way will go a long way toward helping me feel whole -- and not like some science fiction creature that was created from two things. Like the fly was... half man, half insect. I'm feeling half woman, half illness.

I'm still not ready for a support group. Not quite yet. But I will probably be more ready once I've begun to push cancer farther into my background than it is today.


How am I feeling? Weird, to tell the truth. Mostly I can't really "feel" that I don't have a left breast anymore. Until I try to lay on my left side at night and the soreness reminds me that things are different. Emotionally, I'm still a mess sometimes. As the feeling comes back to the surgery area, its bringing a lot of emotions with it. At first, I didn't cry at all after the surgery. It was a very blank feeling afterwards. But a couple of days ago... the tears started to fall again. Just as little twinges of pain reminded me that I'm healing on the inside; a few tears reminded me that the emotional part of me is transforming too.

I miss parts of my life that I hope I can get back when I'm back up to speed. I miss coming and going as I please. I miss hanging out, going to nice restaurants, taking trips and so forth. I realized just how much of my life I took for granted -- ALL OF IT (including my fingernails) -- and I'm praying that I don't ever forget what any of this feels like. I mean, your fingernail are important. But who thinks of that when they are saying their prayers?

All in all... I guess I'm doing alright considering. Everyday is a new challenge and I'm just learning to go with the flow.

[Originally written February 6, 2009. Updated January 15, 2014]

My theme for 2014 is RECEIVE

For the past few weeks, I've been thinking, researching, plotting and planning... preparing for 2014 and deciding how I wanted this next year to go. One suggestion given to me was to consider a theme word for the year and to open my heart and mind to embracing this concept in various areas of my life. 

I had to think about it for quite some time because so many words came to mind but none really felt right. I set the intention in my mind and then just let my brain simmer on it for awhile. Eventually my little brain brought up a sliver of a memory from years and years ago. A good friend told me then, about 13 years ago, that I needed to learn how to receive. It seemed like such a strange thing for someone to say, but I heard it and filed it away.

Upon reflection... I am pretty terrible at receiving. I would try to explain it and make it seem logical but to be honest, I don't think that there is a good reason for it. It is just my own stubborn pride and a never-ending loop of negative self-talk that keeps me in a very small space. If I can't figure out how to do it myself, I find a way to do without it. There are exceptions to this of course, but they are rather few to be honest. As I pondered this notion of a theme word for 2014... I realized that this was a chance for me to actually learn something and to grow. Perhaps even a chance for me to reach these goals that seem to move from year to year with no progress.

The word for 2014 is RECEIVE. 
 
I've struggled with survivor's guilt for years now. I shed tears regularly for newly diagnosed friends and family (and sometimes strangers too) and I weep deeply when I learn that a cancer-friend has passed. I feel terribly guilty for being here. I was a bit angry about being diagnosed with cancer. I was lost when I was done with treatment and didn't have to go to the hospital every week. And I've been alternately sad and confused since I was told to get back to my life because I was NED. (NED = no evidence of disease) I feel guilty for being here when so many others are not, or are battling with metastatic cancer.

The confluence of thoughts I have surrounding this word is intense. If I'm here for a reason, what is it? I don't believe that my God is one who wants to see me suffer, so if I'm still here then why am I punishing myself for this gift of life? Isn't that selfish? Am I smarter than God in knowing what is good for me and good for others? Don't I have some level of responsibility to myself and to my friends and family members who have dealt with this disease to use the gifts that I have to do something... something, to move this conversation around breast cancer forward? Or to just enjoy my life? Why can't I just be happy now? Life gives me opportunities for joy and I just create ways to mess them up. It is over (well, not entirely but mostly)... why keep punishing myself for something I didn't choose for myself and that is now over? 

Blah, blah and more blah... there are a bunch of thoughts and questions circling my mind but the best summation I can come up with is... get over it Nicole. You are not God and however things work out, being guilty will not bring anyone back or get anyone else healthy. So live.

Stop it. And be open to receive what is for you.

I didn't ask for breast cancer. Living my life under a black cloud (or even a pink one) because I feel guilty for being here serves no one. Life continues to present opportunities to me to rise, to grow and to share and I need to learn to accept the gifts that are sent my way. Period. What is interesting about receiving and giving... is that they must work in concert with each other. You cannot give to someone who refuses to receive. You cannot receive what has not been given to you. So, even in my twisted attempts to live small so that I don't intrude on other people's lives... I'm accomplishing the exact opposite of what I want. I deny them the gift of being able to give something that they want me to have. The same way that I feel strengthened when I am able to give to someone else, they receive that same gift. And when I refuse to accept or honor the gift, then I deny them an opportunity to feel strengthened and empowered. 

Selfish. 

Receiving without guilt is new for me. I expect to feel challenged a lot this year. But I hope that you will keep me accountable to my word. When I start to erect barriers and excuses, just tell me to stop it.  And receive.
"To whom much is given, much is required."