A few years ago, I met a young man on twitter whose mother died of breast cancer when he was a teenager. We chatted briefly and I could tell that the impact on his life was tremendous. He wrote a brief commentary for me about what his mother went through because I was curious to know how he felt about the disease.
As much as this disease is personal to me and my journey with it feels very lonely at times... stories like this one remind me just how wide the ripples of breast cancer spread.
*******************************
It all started in the beginning of 2001 and we all know that year was a memorable one because of the terrorist attack on the United States but for me it was memorable because that is the year my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer.
My mother,at 5’9 and 200 pounds, was a regular sized African American woman. Moreover, this cancer was a shock to my father who is a surgeon because my mother was not a smoker and she did not drink therefore she didn’t seem like a candidate for any deadly disease. So, as I overhear my father on the phone, he and my mom's doctor talk about the life expectancy of my mother being only a few months.
My mother being the soldier she is... still took me to school, cooked dinner... the whole nine. Still, I had to act as if I knew nothing of her cancer because that would worry her about my mental state.
If you haven’t caught on, my mother is a very selfless person and even though that sounds great, it actually was half bad because that is what killed her.
So 3 years passed, and my mom is still alive and the doctors believed that since she didn’t die as they expected the cancer must be in remission. Fast-forward to late 2006, around Christmas time, my mother had lost tremendous amounts of weight and she became more bed ridden. But with mom being mom, she told myself and others stories so that we would not worry for her.
An example is that she said “she was on a diet and that she just had headaches so she needed to rest more” but little did we know that the cancer came back. My father set appointments up for my mom to get checked out but she wouldn’t go. I believe she refused to go because she knew that the cancer had returned but she didn’t want to have a doctor reiterate it.
After my junior year in high school she returns to the hospital because of her gout. When we brought her to the emergency room she had lost large amounts of blood and had to be looked at over night because her blood pressure was out of control.
Within 72 hours after the blood tests, the doctor informed my parents that the cancer had grown back. So for the next few months my mom took Chemo Therapy; however she left an hour early to pick me up from school or a friend’s house.
This is why I state that her selflessness killed her because she spent more time worrying about me then herself. In the end she passed away in Prince Georges Hospital in Cheverly, MD at 3:00 AM July 30 2007.
In conclusion, if my mother were to be selfish about her health she would still be alive. When she knew her time was coming, she was not afraid of death. She was afraid of how my father, sister and myself would manage. So if many of you wonder what goes on in a person's head with cancer, normally their thought is how will my family be when I’m not around. Also for those who are nice and selfless like my mother you can't expect to take care of others unless you take care of yourself, so please get yourself checked (Especially Black Women).
Finally, for teens who have a parent with cancer like me or have someone close to them with a deadly disease just pray, because the doctors can't determine when your loved one departs from this earth and if you're scared, pray some more or try some form of meditation. In addition, get family support and always be positive, especially around the sick, because believe it or not good vibes can help a sick person heal. Also remember to look on the bright side. When my mom died from cancer I had to learn that my mom was suffering while she was on this earth but all of the torture stopped when she died.
God Bless,
Clifton C. Blair
*****************************************
Please remember that often when a black woman is diagnosed with breast cancer she is more likely to DIE from breast cancer. More frequently than her white sister. Considering how often we are the center of our family's universe... that means that a lot of sisters, brothers, parents, children, neighbors, co-workers, friends, sorority sisters, on-line friends, cousins, etc. will have to go on without you there. So, the exact thing you're working to do (take care of everyone else at your own expense) will end up undone because you won't be here to do it.
Like Clifton said... we have to take care of ourselves if we want to be able to take care of others. It is that simple.
We don't always have to be superwoman. We do have the right to be selfish sometimes. And to press for our voices to be heard. Check your breasts regularly. Heck... make a game out of it and have your partner check 'em for you. (laughs) But know your body. Listen to your body... it will tell you if something is wrong. And if you feel that something isn't quite right, keep repeating it to your doctor until he or she listens and takes proactive action.
Breast cancer is my enemy. I refuse to let it win because I failed to fight back with everything I have. Clifton's message really hit home for me.
