Just a real life moment

I'm having one of those days... one of those weeks when I go up and then down emotionally. As I am celebrating my birthday -- the one I wasn't sure I would see -- I learn that a good friend of mine lost his mother to breast cancer. The blessing of life is mysterious. No answers, just questions. I always wonder... am I next? Will breast cancer recur and change my trajectory again?

I have a list of goals a mile long, well, not quite a mile but certainly a couple of journal pages long. I look at my bank account and I sigh. I feel like I'm free and confined at the same time. It is always a choice of this or that... never this and that.

I'm just venting. I'm happy and blessed to be here. And still afraid of the day when I'm not. Can I work harder to get more things done? Or should I work harder at crossing more things off the list as just not possible?

My concerns are not solely because of my survivor status. Just life stuff. We all make choices, wonder when our hard work will pay off. None of it is easy... and yet, this is the life we have to use in order to do what we came here to do.

I go to sleep each day with the thought that I have talents and they are here to feed me. If I'm not eating or succeeding the way that I want to, then I need to invest more in myself and work harder with my talents.

Just having a real life moment. You ever get those?