Dealing with infertility guilt after breast cancer


"Married to Medicine" reality show touches on the sensitive topic of guilt about infertility after breast cancer treatment


Confession:  I absolutely enjoy some of the outrageous reality shows on television these days. I consider them a guilty pleasure... along the same lines as eating a pint of Haagen Daz ice cream or too many slices of birthday cake.

*I will neither confirm nor deny that I have had either of those succulent treats over these past few days of celebrating my birthday by the way...*

One show that I enjoy on Sunday nights is Married to Medicine. It chronicles the lives of some of Atlanta's preeminent female doctors and a couple of doctor's wives as well. It is a very interesting concept and show. The ladies mix well and are highly entertaining. This is the second season and I am here for the shenanigans. And they are always in the midst of some foolery. 

Dr. Jackie 


Dr. Jackie is one of the doctors that I enjoy watching. Primarily because she not only is a very accomplished physician, but she is also a two-time breast cancer survivor who speaks candidly about her journey with breast cancer. This season, she has been very open about her concerns with her infertility. While I am not married (and she is), I really felt her pain when she discussed feeling like she let her husband down because she couldn't give him a son.

I watched that scene and tears instantly welled up in my eyes. As logical as I know my choice was to undergo the treatments that I did, the resulting infertility still lingers in my heart. My boyfriend has children and he has no desire for more. (laughs) But some days I do watch other people's children around me and I wonder.

I am in the "advanced age" for fertility at this point... so my feelings about having kids is really a moot point. I will not be having them.

  Cuz I'm old! Ha!! 

However, watching another pink ribbon sister grapple with the same feelings of personal failure and what if resonates with me. Deeply. Dr. Jackie seems to be a wonderful woman... I will keep watching this season to see how she comes to peace about her fertility.

How I accept my infertility


I am not (yet) an infamous reality tv star... so my methods for dealing with bad feelings aren't that exciting. Here are my few tips for handling my negative feelings about infertility.

 
My Fabulous Boobies| Infertility is not a condemnation. It is a medical condition.


  • I remind myself that my infertility is not a condemnation. It is a medical issue. That helps to take some of the pressure off of myself. 
  • My value as a woman is no more tied to my fertility than it was tied to my breasts. I am still a lovely, lively and wonderful woman. Whether I have kids or not. 
  • Not having biological children doesn't mean that I can't have kids in my life. I am surrounded by friends and family members with children. I can get all the hugs, kisses and knock-knock jokes I want... and then go home to a quiet house. (ha... I know you're jealous)
  • Accept that some situations are hard to bear and I do not pressure myself to be involved. Everyone has their own life path, and for many that includes babies -- and baby showers, birthday parties, etc. Some days I simply do not have the emotional bandwidth to handle all of that. So I don't. 
  • I put a time limit on my pity party. If today is a bad day... I ride it out. But I go to sleep acknowledging that tomorrow will not be a bad day. And it isn't.
Kids are wonderful and cute (especially when napping). But not giving birth to children doesn't mean that I can't enjoy them or have them in my life. It just means that I have to channel my nurturing spirit in other directions.

**PS. Dr. Jackie is hilarious too! She speaks her mind very freely and she has some real stringent thoughts about obesity and good health. She's not always soft in her approach but her heart is in a good place. She understands that weight/obesity issues play a part in breast cancer. It is a good show. If you have Bravo, give them a chance one Sunday night.


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