What if my whole life has been wrong?

What if my whole life has been wrong? | My Fabulous Boobies



"Don't die with your music still inside you. Listen to your intuitive inner voice and find what passion stirs your soul. Listen to that inner voice, and don't get to the end of your life and say, 'What if my whole life has been wrong?"


I saw the quote above in one of my email newsletters today and it struck a chord with me. My family is grieving the death of one of my aunts. She passed away a couple of weeks ago and for me, its still tough to accept. She struggled with lupus for 15 years and ultimately, a rare autoimmune disease weakened her body to the point of death. Notice I said, weakened her body. Not her mind and not her spirit. As I understand it, she was able to let her sons know her last wishes and to let them know when she was ready to go. The rest of us may be still grappling with her death because it seems so sudden and unexpected, but I am very sure that my aunt died in peace.

Because of this unexpected loss, my mom and I have been discussing family and death quite a bit. During a recent conversation about last wishes and funerals she made the comment that she didn't want to die. As in, she never ever wants to leave this earth. I found that remark really strange, even though she's mentioned that before. Just seems strange to me to want to live forever.

I told her that I could die tomorrow and be ok. But of course, I say that as a relatively healthy young woman and not as someone who is currently facing the end of her life. Its very likely that if I were a metastatic breast cancer patient instead of a survivor in remission, I might think differently. However, right now, I'm not afraid of the end of my life. I'm just not. This world will go on whether I'm here or not. And I'm quite okay with that.

What does concern me is what this quote above mentions... my life ending and coming to the realization that I've simply done things all wrong.

*shaking my head* 

Now, that is a frightening thought.

One of my current mantras is... Life is too short. I find myself saying that several times a day in response to everything from "should I eat this slice of pizza?" ... to "are those shoes really cute enough to buy?" and it covers all the space in between. Many times a day, I shrug my shoulders or shake my head and say... "Life is too short" and then proceed to go on with whatever it is that is making me pause.

I am not living my life with the thought that I'm not worthy of this or that any more. 


I'm thinking big about a lot of things... and when I find myself getting comfortable with that, then I push a little harder at the edges and try to expand that thought more.

For example, I want to go back to school. I mentioned it to my best friend a few weeks ago and I explained to her why I was thinking about it. She was encouraging and yet cautious. When I told her the school that I was intending to go to she asked me to consider forgoing that effort and focusing instead on taking the classes that I needed at the local community college.

*shrug*  Life is too short. I ain't doing it. (laughs)


Three years ago (before breast cancer), I may have agreed with her. I would have beat her to the punch about not going for a degree program and just taking a few classes to get the specific understanding that I wanted -- saving myself money and time which would allow me to jump right into the project that I'm planning. But now? These days? *shaking my head* Nope. I'm not going for that.

So, that big name Ivy school that I've dreamed of attending since I was a high school kid... yeah, I'm going for that. I hesitated at first because it will require me to relocate to another state. But when I thought about that for a moment, even that isn't a deterrent.

Look... life is too short. Things change in a damn instant. What I don't want to do is to find myself in a hospital bed one day, knowing that the end is close enough to touch and find myself asking..."what if my whole life was wrong?"

I can afford to risk and lose. But I'm betting on myself to risk and win. I will not live another day thinking that I'm living this life wrong.

What about you?



[REPOST] Learning what grace is... on a daily basis

Randy Pausch quote - We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.
[I wrote this post earlier this year but I am re-sharing it because I am still learning what grace is... on a daily basis.]

If you've never heard of Randy Pausch, I encourage you to watch this video of him giving his last lecture. [Randy Pausch Last Lecture: Achieving your childhood dreams]

Randy died of cancer the same year I was diagnosed. His last lecture became a viral sensation and the book is a global phenomenon. It is encouraging and poignant and touching in ways that only someone facing the end of their life (or some other massive tragedy) can be. Especially when they are looking at you and imparting their wisdom with humor and grace and elegance so that your next days (or your last days) are as perfect and wonderful as they can be.

It takes a special mindset to see beyond your own misery and look to others with the desire to help them on their journey. Like all the other millions of people who watched this lecture and read the book (yes, I did both)... I laughed and cried and was touched and moved by his instructions. I wondered whether I could ever show that type of elegance when I'm facing my own end. And I wondered where that strength came from. I still do.

In the past few weeks and months, there has been a lot of death and sickness in my world. Family members have passed away, my best friend lost her father suddenly and my heart ached like it was my dad who had died. Another one of my best friends is watching her father battle with serious health issues as well. And I feel sad and helpless all over again. And of course, a friend was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and my heart broke for her when she shared the news. Sometimes its all just a lot to take. I tell myself that I'm moving into that age range where its likely that more sickness and even deaths will be a part of the fabric of my life. I tell myself that as a way to brace myself for dealing with these types of deep emotions.

But today... I was reminded of the grace some people show when they are facing the end of their life. Reading the facebook status of a friend's breast cancer blog saddened me this morning. This wonderfully witty and funny woman is in stage 4 of her cancer journey. So many of her posts are funny, self-depracating and lighthearted... even as she's discussing her pain, her frustrations, her treatments and her end of life preparations.

Since I am a notorious over-thinker, her posts remind me to pull my head out of my butt and look around at the beauty that this world has. No, things are never perfect but that doesn't mean that you can't find joy and appreciate what you do have. As I struggle to figure out this life of mine, I am focusing this year on living with grace.

I used to be so deeply annoyed that so many cancer-survivors were always showing these eternally perky personalities to the world. I thought it was unfair and dishonest. But I'm realizing that these folks are trying to be graceful in the face of deep fears and frustrations. Grace is a powerful trait. It is the honest acceptance that all is not perfect coupled with the strength to show the world that it will not steal your joy or your happiness.

My grace may not look like someone else's... but it will be genuine and based on honesty and appreciation for all parts of this journey. Day by day, I will learn to be grateful and graceful.

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I saw the "race-themed" movie Best Man Holiday this weekend

I saw the "race-themed" movie, Best Man Holiday this weekend. And it was awesome!

So, I came down with some ol' nasty little cold on Thursday. Just all of a sudden, sneezing, coughing, congestion... BAM! She's sick. Bleah. But... this was opening weekend for Best Man Holiday. And I've been waiting for this movie for months. Okay, actually for YEARS. Over a decade if ya wanna be real precise about it. I was NOT going to miss opening weekend of this movie. Cold, snotty nose, slight fever or not. I was going. And the boo-dude was going too even though he kept complaining that it was a chick flick.

*laughs*

We went. We had a great time. Enjoyed a wonderful lunch at Bonefish Grill (oooh, the tilapia was sooo delicious!) and it was generally a great date for us. I was back in bed on nyquil before 9pm.  For me, a great date with my guy. The movie was wonderful -- more wonderful than I even expected it to be. For a sequel that was 14 years in the making... not one frame was a wasted moment. I laughed, I cried, I laughed some more and I was deeply satisfied.

This movie was about friendship and love. The characters (for the most part) are far more accomplished and wealthy than my friends and I are (well, some of my friends really ARE wealthy ballers but they're still cool with lil' ol' me and my lil' ol' blogging life). But the characters feel "real" to me. The friendships that they have, the depth of their love for each other is palatable -- and it reflects the way that I feel about my friends. I love those characters too. More than words can really say.

...I almost didn't want to write about the movie because the dreaded... C-word had a pretty big role in the movie. And well... damn... sometimes you just don't wanna deal with cancer. I know you know what I mean. But, it was there and it played its part (I don't want to spoil the movie for the folks who may not have seen it yet). Even with that part in the movie, the movie really ultimately was about the love between really good friends.

Soooooo... on Sunday when USA Today published the headline that Thor was nearly beat by the "race themed movie" Best Man Holiday... social media flew into a frenzy. And I'll admit it... I think I kicked over a trashcan too.

(okay, in my head I did... still counts, right?)

However, a few hours later... and TWO headline changes later... I am laughing about it. Here is what's funny to a girl like me...

I am black. (don't gasp, I know you knew that...) I am really pretty proud of that. Not because it is so special but just that I come from a very rich heritage of a strong and resilient people. I don't shy away from race topics or black issues because well, to me that's silly. There is no hiding my melanin rich, caramel colored skin. I love it. It is me. How could I not? I value the history that I come from and all of it fascinates me -- my history, my ancestry, my culture, and how varied my black people can be. However, my pride about being a black American woman doesn't make me less human. Doesn't make me more so either. It is just a part of me. Just like my curly hair and my thick eyebrows. Its part of the package of this human life.

So, when Hollywood is surprised that other people like me can appear in a movie, living relatively normal lives, going through the same stuff that other people do... I have to chuckle. No seriously. I have to laugh. I have to laugh at the confusion that people who may have different traditions but still are just humans existing and living on this planet... aren't automatically focused on their race. There was nothing about this movie that referenced race or racial themes. I mean, absolutely nothing. And yet... it was considered a "race themed" movie. Compared to Fruitvale Station and 12 Years a Slave and the Butler. Now, all three of those films were race-themed. Because they were centered around issues of race and racial prejudice in America.

(I've seen all three and they all were EXCELLENT! I highly recommend them if you haven't seen them yet.  I honestly think that all three will be up for awards this year too.)

But black people just being people learning to cope with marriage, divorce, kids, illness, success, failure, etc. (shakes head) Nooooope. That ain't race themed. That's just life y'all. And I loved all of it.

I really loved that I held his hand tighter during the parts about cancer that reminded me of a lot of pain... no race theme in that either. Just love. Happy to have someone's hand to hold during the hard parts. It wasn't always this way.

What I'm trying to say is that although this particular black woman in America enjoys race topics (films, books, dialogues, etc.) that isn't the entirety of the black experience in America. Everything we do doesn't revolve around our race. I guess understanding all of this can be convoluted to some. I get it. And I'm sort of sorry (only slightly though) that it is hard for some people to understand all of it. But please know that we all just want to be acknowledged as human.

What did you think of Best Man Holiday? Did you see it? Like it? Love it? Oh wait... did I fail to mention that there was a dance sequence too?  Getchu summa dis New Edition swag....



Learning the kama sutra... after breast cancer

Learning the kama sutra... after breast cancer | My Fabulous Boobies



I'm going to give you fair warning and a chance to look away now. This post is about s-e-x. Okay, so here we go. I want to talk to you about why I'm determined to learn the kama sutra.

*Somewhere somebody giggled and then said... what does this have to do with breast cancer? I heard you. Ok, so I imagined you in my mind... same difference.*

High school students punished for breast cancer awareness activity

High School Students Punished for Breast Cancer Awareness Activity | My Fabulous Boobies

Today's question:  Are high school students mature enough to be involved in breast cancer awareness campaigns at their school? 



I recently had a very interesting conversation about breast cancer awareness activities. The kind of conversation that forces you to sit back for a few days and just process what you've heard and how you feel about it before you speak about it. I've been processing for about a week now... and I'm still slightly confused. Though far less angry now.

A week or so ago, a high school in my county denied its students the opportunity to opt out of wearing their normal school uniform and wear pink in support of breast cancer awareness. From my understanding, the principal decided that a day out of uniform would be disruptive. This is curious because the students were allowed to be out of uniform the week before in order to support "Spirit day".  For those of you who may not know what Spirit Day is, it is a day in which people rock purple in order to show solidarity against bullying and to support LGBT teens/youth.

Go purple on October 16, 2014 for #spiritday



My understanding is that the school has participated in breast cancer awareness activities for the past few years but this year's event was cancelled. The principal warned students that they were responsible for showing up to school, dressed in their uniforms and not wearing pink. Any students who disobeyed this edict were told that there would be consequences. And it turns out that 75 students ended up in in-school suspension becaue they showed up in their pink and where blocked from attending classes all day long.

So, here is where things get sticky for me... 


Issues that are of direct impact to kids are important. Very important. So Spirit Day (the remix) is a good day to allow students to show support for classmates and friends who may have been subjected to bullying -- for any reason. But that led me to wonder... was it that breast cancer seemed too far removed from the realities of these students and that lead the principal to believe that it wasn't necessary to encourage support for breast cancer awareness by wearing pink?

I know that at least one student recently lost her mother to breast cancer. She wanted to pay homage to her mother and to support awareness about the disease. She and some of her peers, decided to wear pink anyway. And, as promised, there were consequences to their disobedience. I do not condone children disobeying their school officials. However, as a breast cancer activist I cannot say that I wasn't proud of these young people for making a stand for what they believed in.

This is where I am challenged:  


Breast cancer affects African American women differently (in many cases) than our counterparts of other races. We are more likely to have very aggressive cancer, to be diagnosed late, to be younger than other women when diagnosed and perhaps most importantly, more likely to die from the disease. Though the likelihood of these students having to deal with breast cancer themselves at their age... it is not unlikely that their mother, grandmother, auntie or some other older female in their life may be faced with this illness. And the impact of that could be devastating. I understand that teens/kids are still at the stage of development where body parts are funny. And I'm not clueless enough to miss that boobie jokes can be frequent and highly disruptive at that age. However, the realities of the socio-economic impact of having a parent or a relative with this disease means that this community needs awareness. And awareness to start at a young enough age that the lessons will become an integral part of their life and their outlook going forward.

One of the issues that we face in the African American community is a reluctance to be checked out for any breast problems. In many families, the woman is the primary custodial parent. She may or may not have a partner who is active in raising the children. More than likely, the woman who is the sole (or primary) income provider may earn significantly less than her male counterparts. In other words, this community is likely to be in a tenuous situation economically. With that kind of pressure, many women fear what the knowledge of breast cancer will bring to their lives. The fear of the unknown, the fear of losing their job, losing their income and even losing their lives... makes many women shy away from doing regular breast self-exams or mammograms. Add to the soup, the likelihood of having no health insurance or inadequate insurance coverage and you see that we have a conundrum. I think we need to do whatever we can to connect people to the larger impact of health issues.

Wearing pink shirts and pink ribbons will not change the economic factors that leave a lot of these students and their parents vulnerable. However, it will encourage empathy towards others and perhaps a desire to learn more about the disease and the risk factors that they have control over to slow down the likelihood that they will ever face breast cancer.

Pinktober becomes a sea of pink ribbons and false cheer very fast. I can definitely see how many people may think that it is more false support than anything. Since I am both a survivor and a health activist for this disease, I will admit that some days it can feel like overkill to see all pink everything for an entire month. However, for high school kids to be excited about a good cause, I believe that we should totally encourage that. To step on their desire to be a part of a larger movement and to silence (and punish them) for showing compassion and empathy for people with a devastating illness completely sends the wrong message.

Read more: Prince George's students suspended for wearing pink in support of breast cancer

Is it right to tell kids that their voices don't count and then punish them for standing up for what they believe in?


I just think this a mess that did not have to happen.  I have learned that the high school gave the suspended students a chance to make up the work they missed since they were not allowed in class all day. I also learned that the "pink out" day was rescheduled for another day and that pink ribbons were available for students to wear on their uniforms. But honestly? This entire situation simply sucks to me.

Tell me what you think about Friendly High School's decision to suspend students for wearing pink in support of breast cancer awareness. Leave a comment below.

PS. The picture is of a middle school in Fairfax, VA that goes all out for breast cancer awareness every year. They allow their students to wear pink, to raise money for charities and to participate in awareness activities. If the Friendly High School student's younger contemporaries in a nearby county can do it, I am confident that they too can handle it as well.


Let me know what you think about high school students showing support for breast cancer awareness. Drop a comment below... or find me on social media to discuss.



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