WEGO Health Activist Awards - Best in Show: Twitter Winner

I am entirely elated that I won the 2012 WEGO Health Activist Award, Best in Show: Twitter last night.

You know how you watch the award shows and everyone says... "it is an honor just to be nominated"?  Well... that feeling is REAL! I had no expectation that I would win. There are some totally awesome health activists on twitter. I follow a lot of them. :)  But... today I was the winner!

I'm stunned but supremely thrilled. I love what I do. I love talking to survivors and caregivers and supporters. I love sharing information and connecting with other people in the community. It doesn't feel like work to me. And I am deeply grateful that someone notices the work that we do and wants to say thank you to us .

I am happy right now. Thank you so much WEGO Health!!



I still hate looking in the mirror!


One of my pink ribbon sisters posted this on facebook as her status:  "I still hate looking in the mirror!"
I completely identify with that feeling. Not many women look into a mirror and like the reflection they see. But as a breast cancer survivor... I have LIVED that pain for a long time. And I am truly saddened by it and tired of it.

There was a long stretch of time after my treatment ended where I could not look at myself in the mirror. At least not all of me at the same time. I could look at my face just fine. I could look at my body in pieces. Or without keeping my face in my vision. If I caught a glimpse of my entire body -- getting out of the tub or the shower -- I would burst into tears. The scars, the new boobie, the burns, the change in my skin color... it was simply too much to take at one time.

And then one day I felt bold enough to challenge myself to look at my whole body every day for at least 5 minutes. It took me weeks to work up to that much time. It took me months of looking at myself before I stopped sobbing uncontrollably. I am more comfortable in my skin now. I can take pictures of myself in my bathing suits and bikinis without that same feeling of pain. (I do still cringe but that's because I need to work out, laughs)

I believe that the more comfortable I became with the sight of my nakedness, the more comfortable I was in my clothes. And the more comfortable I was engaging with other people. It took me a long time before I realized that when people look at me, they cannot tell that I've been through a war. It is my secret. At least until I'm ready to share it.

If you're struggling with your body image... take some time every day to look at yourself. Withhold all judgement against yourself. And eventually work your way up to giving yourself honest compliments about your body. It really makes a difference. 




8 Steps You Can Take Today To Save Your Relationship From The Trauma Of Cancer



A lot of relationships struggle through dealing with cancer treatment


The other day I received a frantic note on chat from a male friend. My friend's girlfriend was recently diagnosed with a rare type of cancer and he's been trying really hard to be a supportive caregiver. When he first told me of her diagnosis a few months ago, my heart sank. For her and for him. I was sad for her. I know the devastating feeling of hearing the words "you have cancer" and the type of fear it gives you.

But I really felt badly for my friend. My friend is a guy's guy. He is the kind of guy who wants to make things right. And even though I knew his heart was breaking because of the diagnosis, I also knew that his relationship was in jeopardy. And I knew that he probably wasn't going to be prepared for that. I tried to explain to him that being a caregiver to a cancer patient is tough. I warned him that a lot of relationships do not make it through the cancer crucible. I encouraged him to seek out friendships and connections with other men who were caregivers to cancer patients. I'm not sure whether he followed up with any of my suggestions.

So when I saw his frantic message the other morning... my heart sank. I knew that whatever he needed to talk about with me early in the morning, was going to be tough. I hoped that it wasn't going to be dire news about her health. I didn't expect it to be a vent session. But I totally understood. He was angry. He was pissed off. He was scared. But more than that he felt unappreciated.

I understood. But I didn't know what to say. See, in my world, I was in the same position as his girlfriend. I understood her emotions, her fears and her actions. I completely sympathized with her perspective. I didn't have the same personal understanding of what he was going through. And discussing it with him, dragged me emotionally back to that place when I was the patient and my boyfriend was the caregiver. I got angry. Again.

Breakups are hard, terrible and draining. Avoid them if you can. (seriously)


Look, if you didn't know, I have a vulgar potty mouth. (laughs) And I said some choice words to my friend about my ex and how I felt about how our relationship ended. And then I contacted my ex and asked him to speak to my friend. Why? Because, no matter how I may feel about that man today and how our relationship suffered, he had one thing I didn't: perspective about being a male caregiver to a cancer patient that was his girlfriend. I may not like the way that our relationship ended (I don't) but I do think that there is value in hearing someone else's story and sharing their perspective. I have no idea what they discussed or even if they talked. I hope that they did. I think they both could have learned a bit from each other.

Some of the complaints that my friend had echoed the complaints that my ex said  about me:
she's hard-headed, she's stubborn, she won't let me in, she won't let me help, she's short-tempered, I feel ignored, I feel taken for granted... I'm ready to go. 
As a human being and a good friend, I wanted to say to him that it is perfectly fine not to accept poor treatment and move on. No one wants to feel ignored or taken for granted. I do understand that. But, I remembered being that girl and how afraid I was. And I remembered how the only thing that got me through a lot of days and a lot of nights was believing that I was loved. The relationship ended before my treatment did. It was hard to cope with not having someone in my corner that I had come to depend on.



It actually is VERY difficult to be chipper, happy and perky while you're being treated for cancer


In hindsight, I guess I was difficult. I imagine that I really didn't have a lot to say. I had a lot of tears. I had a lot of fears. I had a lot of anxiety. I didn't have a lot of chatter. I had a lot of guilt about being sick. I had a lot of pain that I did not want to share with anyone. I did not want to burden my friends and family anymore than I already was with my illness. I felt a lot of pressure to be chipper and happy for other people. Which only drained me more, so I needed a lot of alone time to get back to feeling somewhat balanced. In hindsight, my boyfriend needed me to share that with him. I just couldn't. At the time, it was just too much to open that faucet. So I kept it bottled up inside. And sometimes it leaked out of my eyes in tears and out of my mouth in deep sobs... but there were no words that I could share with him at that time. If I had opened my mouth to share the depth of my emotional pain, I don't think I would have been able to stop. I would have drowned that man in my pain. So I didn't share. And he felt that I didn't love him or didn't trust him. I felt that he was being a sucker.

Relationship over.


Our relationship was new when I was diagnosed and we didn't have a strong foundation. So cancer exacerbated a fragile situation. I've learned that it will do that.

My advice to my friend was... "Suck it up.  What you want from her she just may not be able to give you right now and she may not be able to give it to you for months".

That was my advice. Sounds harsh but it was late and I needed to be as honest as possible as quickly as possible. (I'm not a therapist. A therapist would probably have been more kind)

I felt the same way years ago about my boyfriend and I still feel it. Having said that, I'm not advocating accepting abuse. But I am going to be honest and tell you straight up... you will have to fight for your relationship if a cancer diagnosis shows up on your doorstep. Especially if your relationship is already rocky. I'm just keeping it honest.


Cancer treatment can make you incredibly selfish. However, if you can't be selfish when it comes to saving your own life... when exactly is that acceptable? 


When you are in pain, physically and emotionally... when you are fearing your own death or at least a major change in your life by no fault of your own... when you are in and out of the hospital all the time... when your medication and your treatment makes you feel terrible and tired and sore... it takes all that you have inside of you to work on getting better. There may not be enough left over to be kind to someone else.

If I could have been a better girlfriend to my boyfriend then, I would have. I finally accepted a couple of years ago that if he could, my ex would have been a better boyfriend to me. But that wasn't our path. It is okay. Life goes on. I am happy now. I hope that he is too.

You can get through cancer treatment -- whether patient or caregiver -- but it will take everything you've got to make it. If it doesn't hurt you emotionally, it will hurt you physically. More than likely, it will hurt both ways and even more... for quite some time. For me, breast cancer was the biggest heartbreak I've ever experienced. I hurt for years. I still have moments of intense sadness. They just don't last as long as they used to. I learned how to cope. If I can learn how to deal, then anyone can.

There is hope, but it will take a lot of work and a lot of patience. 


Steps you can take to hold on to your relationship (based on what I went through):

  • Hold on the the faith that she really does love you. 
  • Do not take the anger personally. 
  • Always remember that she is terrified. 
  • Being told you have cancer brings your mortality into clear view. Depending on your age, this can be devastating. 
  • Caregivers need support too. You need someone to talk to about your fears and anger and difficulties. And not the person you are supporting. 
  • Accept that the person you loved before cancer may not be the person you come to know during their treatment or afterwards. Cancer changes you. We're rarely the same person that we were before. 
  • During their treatment, ask someone to help you by taking over for a day or a few hours... just so that you can clear your head a little bit. 
  • If you are a spiritual person, hold on to your faith with both hands. Talk to your pastor or priest to deal with your own feelings. 

Above all, take care of yourself. And if it gets to a point where you just realize that your relationship is over... accept that too and know that you will be okay. Not every relationship makes it. Some are strengthened. Some are ruined. It really just depends on the couple. Every diagnosis is different and the effects are different as well. 

Resources I suggest:   Picking up the pieces and Breast Cancer Husband. I've read both books and continue to refer to them often. The first book helped me to start a plan to get myself back on track after I ended treatment. The second book I purchased for my boyfriend, but we broke up before he ever received it. I think it would have helped him and us. It is a great book.


Picking Up The Pieces | My Fabulous Boobies


Picking Up the Pieces: Moving Forward after Surviving Cancer

Breast Cancer Husband | My Fabulous Boobies


Breast Cancer Husband: How to Help Your Wife (and Yourself) during Diagnosis, Treatment and Beyond

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