Fighting moments of survivor's guilt

The bf and I went to one of our favorite spots to catch a football game, eat some wings and make googly eyes at each other. {Hey... let me enjoy these moments while they last. (laughs)} At any rate, we just wanted to spend a little time together and that was an easy choice for us. As we discussed general nothingness and laughed a bit... I had a moment where my heart was just full.

It was a bit of a full circle moment for me. A few years ago I had pretty much thought that it wasn't likely that I'd ever have this type of easy going relationship and joy again. I thought about how blessed I was in general. The days since my diagnosis have been more up than down and lately more up than even that. Realizing that you're happy when you really weren't sure that you would be can be deeply humbling. And I was humbled.

After I got home though, my feelings of joy slid into feelings of guilt. Slow waves of sadness started coming up and I wasn't sure if I deserved happiness. I started thinking about friends who had passed away from the same disease. The family and friends they left behind. Before I knew it, I was sobbing quietly and just wondering why me and not them? Not that I think my life is better than someone else's but because I think we're all worthy of seeing life to a long and fruitful end. Emphasis on the long part.

*deep sigh* 

I believe in God. I believe that He doesn't make mistakes and I believe that if I'm still here then there must be a reason for that. But I can't help but to remember the sister-friends I've lost over the years. I am saddened by their deaths and I feel some guilt for being a breast cancer survivor. I know I probably should not but I do.

This quote reminded me that even in my moments of guilt, I still have a choice to make. I have to choose life. I have to choose to enjoy my life. To live full and free and happy. To do less is a disservice to the ones who did not get to do what I am doing -- live. It isn't rational to feel guilty, even if it is very normal. I can grieve their deaths while still celebrating my own joys. I can dream of things and work toward goals without sabotaging my own efforts.


Once again I am reminded that this pink ribbon life is ever challenging me to grow as a human being. I would not have chosen breast cancer as my catalyst for emotional maturity but since it came my way... I will use it. :)
Guilt isn't always a rational thing... Guilt is a weight that will crush you whether you deserve it or not.
Maureen Johnson

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