*blink*
Seeing it once was bad. Seeing it 5 times in a row? The pressure rose in my head. Immediately. I dashed off an informative response (kind in my mind, kinder than I was feeling actually) and moved on down the twitter feed.
The next tweet that caught my attention was a random question:
@phunmyharwe: Will you marry her if you suddenly discovered she has only one boob?
This is not someone I follow. I have no idea whether this person is male or female -- though I suspect female. And I have no idea whether this was a joke or a serious inquiry. The responses I saw seemed thoughtful and respectful.
My initial reaction was a frumped face with a deeply furrowed brow. But the truth of the matter is that, no matter how shallow it seems... this is actually a very honest question. And one that I grappled with for months when I was deciding on reconstruction options after my mastectomy.
Who would love me and want me with one breast?
I cannot tell you the number of times I asked myself that question. And now that I have one natural breast and one reconstructed breast... I often wonder how that difference is received. In fairness, I have never met a man who said anything negative about a breast cancer survivor or a sister with one boob or a fake boob. I'm sure they exist, but I'm fortunate that they haven't crossed my path.
But when I see "jokes" like the really crass one I saw this morning I am reminded that not everyone takes this disease seriously. Not everyone understands the magnitude of pain, both emotional and physical, that survivors deal with. For too many, boobies are just for sexual pleasure.
*sigh*
I am a survivor. I was more than my breasts before my diagnosis and I am more than them after. Losing one was hard. The emotional grief still burdens me. Being reconstructed definitely helps my self-esteem (and I know that not all survivors make that choice). It is a process that I am still working through to really see myself as fully woman, still feminine and still gorgeous. Just as I write about my journey with this disease and inspire others.. I too am inspired by the stories of other survivors. About 10 minutes after the boob question rolled across my twitter feed... this link crossed my path and I was inspired all over again.
[Even with one breast I am beautiful]
I identify with the questions that ran through your mind. I have a different type of cancer so mine weren't about breasts, but I questioned who would want the "broken" girl as my treatment is quite long (years). I questioned who was going to want me as though being sick made me less whole. When people dash into love they want it to be fun and sexy, everything that encompasses health, and I was and still am..unhealthy. To think that something so out of our control so freely and easily belittles my own self confidence and self worth as a mate is hard to admit, but it happened. I still struggle with it at times, it's easy to feel like an anchor when the circumstances of your life arnt what is stereotypically expected of you, but in turn, the experience also builds you in ways that most do not have. And good people worthy of your association, see that. They bridges in the scars not valleys.
ReplyDeleteI once asked my husband - pre-marriage, if he would stay with me if I lost a leg. Well ... my legs are here, thank goodness, but my right breast is gone. Cancer might have rocked the boat big-time, but that lack of breast hasn't changed anything between us. Who ever told those crass jokes - they just don't know. There's a lot they don't know about I think, including compassion.
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