My blogging helps me to remember

Just a quick thought today. I have been planning, working on, deleting, stressing, blah blah blah... working on a manuscript based on this blog. I have been trying to do this for a couple of years now.

I have nothing much so far.

Which is pretty embarrassing to admit publicly since I've been writing this blog for years. One would think that writing a book based on this would be easy. And yet, it has not been. The truth is every time I've begun to write, I've gotten overwhelmed and disgusted and I've thrown away the work.

Yes, you read that correctly.

I have tossed into the garbage (the virtual trashcan that is) about 5 different efforts for this book. *shaking my head* They may have been good, I don't know. But to me, they were horrible. And the emotional toll was just too high for me to wade through it. So I tossed it.  I told myself it would be easy to try again. And I did. Several times. Over and over and over again.

This is maybe the sixth or seventh attempt. I've lost track. But I am making a promise that this will be the last attempt. I will not throw this one away. A friend has offered to help me to stay on track with my writing by acting as my manager in this effort. I realized a short while ago that I needed an accountability partner. I've definitely selected the right person. I'm already working on my first deadline. Progress.

In order to write my own story, I have to read my own notes as well as use my memory. Re-reading this blog from the beginning, I realized that I forgot a lot. A whole lot. I have begun to gloss over some of the difficulties of my early days in my memory. I don't know if that is to protect me... or others.

Thank God for this blog and my propensity to be long-winded. Because now I can really remember and revisit those days. Breast cancer is a hard disease. And as much as I consider myself to be a punk these days -- and I do -- I was such a soldier in the early days. Even when I was crying every day, I was really holding on. I didn't write all of the details in the beginning because I didn't want to scare people. But in the re-reading of the blog, I am also clearing away the fog about those days and remembering details that I didn't share then. I will share them in my manuscript.  It has to be authentic to my voice. No "surface" writing on this topic.

I suspect that the next few weeks will be an emotional roller coaster. But it is time that I fully remembered my journey. All of it. The stink. The vomit. The pain. The tears. All of it. And then I can write the story that lives in my heart and close that door.

My posts over the next few weeks will reflect some of my feelings about my old days/early days with breast cancer. Sadly, since new diagnoses happen every day... hopefully my writings will help someone who may have just joined this fight.