I had a small anxiety attack today...

Years before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I struggled with an anxiety issue. At one point, I would have a really difficult time  just leaving my home. To be honest, it created a lot of problems for me. But I dealt with the issue in therapy and I felt that I had handled the problem. I guess for many years, I did. And then breast cancer came along and things got tough again.

I think that my efforts to DO a lot of things has triggered my anxiety issues again. And it sucks.

I had a melt-down today and it made me realize that I had been hiding from myself. It is hard to explain how I'm feeling. Angry with myself. Disappointed. Frustrated. Sad. A whole lot of sad.

Feeling overwhelmed with life happens to most people I'd think at one point or another. For me, I put a lot of pressure on myself to be great. Not perfect but definitely above average. Okay.... I aim for perfection and I settle for above average. Anything less than that makes me crazy.

I feel so far beneath that right now that I could be living in a ditch. Telling myself that I'm doing alright helps. But sometimes, when a plan falls through or I can't get something done... nothing helps and then everything feels like its crashing down around my head.

...and I crumple into a ball of tears and fears and anger. Which sometimes triggers an anxiety attack where my chest hurts, my breathing gets difficult and everything basic about life gets hard. You know, breathing, focusing, blinking, being calm... all of that easy stuff becomes incredibly hard.

I'm sharing this because I need to get it off my chest. And also because it isn't easy every day. I don't wake up with a smile all the time or feeling like super woman. Most days, its all good and I'm fine. But then there are days like today... when my to-do list is too long and I can't see my way to the bottom and for whatever reason I simply feel like I'm just not good enough.

I had a chat this morning with a pink ribbon sister and she was going for her 6 month check-up today. And even though she (like me) had been through it a bunch of times... this time was just as scary as the first time. She had had a scare with some of her scans coming back unusual -- but it was deemed to be a minor issue and not cancer -- and as we chatted I just felt the anxiety creeping around my neck. Tightening around my throat.

My to-do list is a mile long because there's just so much to get done. I always feel like time is running out, that time is against me. I don't care that every time I go for my check-up its clear. One day it might not be.  I don't know when that day will be but in the meantime... I'm running for my life.

I mentally prepare for the day when it won't be clear and I will become a fighter again; fighting for my life.

*deep sigh*

Now that the panic attack is over... I realize that I have to be easier on myself. I guess its just one of those days.



This is part of my life as a survivor. I always think and worry about recurrence. Even though I try not talk about it, it is always on my mind.

Researchers finally accept that chemobrain is real

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Finally! Vindication. Chemobrain is real!

I am in an email group for cancer survivors (and interested parties) who are interested in information regarding work/employment during and after treatment. The group is a community off-shoot from the Cancer and Careers non-profit. It isn't an overly active group but some really great information is shared here. Please check it out. [Cancer & Careers googlegroup]

Recently, the moderator posted a link to a news story regarding chemo-brain. Researchers have found new evidence that supports what a lot of survivors have been telling their medical team for years -- CHEMO-BRAIN IS REAL. (laughs)

If you don't know the term, chemo-brain is a cognitive side effect of chemotherapy or cancer treatment. Basically, you feel as though you are in a fog. Your thinking isn't clear and it is more challenging to handle some tasks. Your memory isn't great, your ability to multi-task is compromised, you just don't think as quickly as you used to. It is really very frustrating. Especially if you're someone like me, who rarely writes things down (never really had to) and keeps all the balls going in your head. Chemo-brain puts a halt to that. But for a very long time, the medical community felt that it was well... all in our heads. They didn't really believe that it was real. My doctor told me (with the strong face of skepticism when I asked about it) that "if" it happened to me, which he didn't believe it would, it would end when my chemotherapy ended. So, when I found myself forgetting some of the most basic things... I realized that he might not have been right about that.

I have talked to a lot of survivors who have complained that their chemo-brain has persisted long after their treatment ended. One, two... even 5 years later, there are survivors who still struggle with some cognitive issues. And like I said... it is truly frustrating. Now... I've been a bit scatter-brained for awhile. Partly due to the fact that I suffered from clinical depression in the past and it affected some of my cognitive abilities. And then also because I keep a lot of stuff in my head. It gets challenging to keep it all straight. Chemo-brain affects me in little ways -- I forget names and numbers, I may forget why I walked into a room. My attention span is about as long as a gnat. I may forget that I turned the water on in the tub (yikes... I have flooded the bathroom before) and so on. It makes life interesting to be sure but I just figured that it was something I had to tolerate because my doc didn't think it was real and there aren't any "cures" for it that I'm aware of. And then I decided that I had to do something.

Action steps you can take:

Puzzles and mental games help.

My mother is retired. And she spends just about every day doing sudoku puzzles and word games. I used to laugh at her and her ever-growing collection of puzzle-books. Until she explained that she does the puzzles not only because its fun but also because it helps her mind stay sharp. I decided to start doing similar things. I play words with friends in order to keep my memory recollection sharp and to work on my strategy muscles. I'm not the best player -- not by a long shot -- but I can honestly say that it has been helpful.

Write things down. It really helps.

One of the biggest helps is something I simply don't do enough of... and that's WRITE STUFF DOWN. Chemo-brain is real. And it is unfortunate. But, you can work around it. Write things down, let people know that you might forget names or numbers and other small details and it isn't personal.

Ask for help and assistance to do some tasks. 

Set up alarms on your email and calendar systems. Ask friends to follow up with you on things. Carry a notebook with you all the time. Or use your smartphone to keep your thoughts togethher. 

Get some rest. 

Seriously. It makes a difference. Your body is still healing. Give it a break occasionally. At least 6 hours of rest each night is extremely helpful.

Cancer & careers has a great checklist of ways that you can mitigate the nuisance of chemo-brain. [Working with chemo-brain] 

Getting better but quite there yet. 

For me, it is getting better. But I still have a long way to go before I'm back to my old self completely. I will be honest too... my fear of chemo-brain has caused me to drag my feet about going back to school.  I've been thinking about it for over a year or so now. But my fear of being unable to keep up with the work has kept me from making the commitment and just stepping forward into that reality.  But, I've come a long way since the end of my treatment with my memory skills and my ability to think quickly and clearly. Sometimes I find myself frustrated but its nothing like it used to be. So, I may be ready to make that plunge.


*deep scary sigh*

One of my pink ribbon sisters is completing her final semester at Harvard this month. I want to be at her graduation next spring with the biggest smile I can possibly have. I am soooo very proud of her. Her journey has been so challenging, so difficult and yet she has persevered and made it through. That is inspiring to me. So, I'm going to work on completing these manuscripts, getting this website up and running and continuing to establish myself in this space. And then... I'm heading into the next phase of my dream.

So, if you're struggling with chemo-brain, know that you're not making it up. Know that it is real. And know that, with some effort, some time and different tactics... you can move beyond it as well.

What about you? What tricks have you used to get beyond memory issues (whether because of chemo-brain or not)? Let me hear from you in the comment box.

Dating chronicles: The after-London date that never happened

Prior to heading across the pond, I had been chatting occasionally with a guy who seemed pretty nice. He was significantly younger than me. (sigh) But even though that gave me a serious case of cold feet, I decided to just see what was really going on with him.

Turns out. Nothing much. Well, let me be more forthcoming... he was nice. He was very smart. Like... wicked smart. (and we all know how much intelligence excites me). All things considered.. there was something about him that was  intriguing. And there was something else about him that left me feeling off-balance, a bit uncomfortable. Difficult to describe really but it wasn't something that I dismissed easily. I just tried not to focus on it.  But one thing I am always reminded of... the gut don't lie. (laughs)

We met many, many months ago... like back in the early spring but I just couldn't make up my mind to date then (not him, not anyone). So, when I finally resigned myself to the idea that I needed more balance in my life, including some type of social interaction, I decided to go out with him.

There wasn't anything overtly "wrong" but things didn't feel exactly right either. I'd met him two times at a happy hour event but since he was working the event, we didn't spend more than 5 minutes together.  To me, those weren't dates. Just opportunities to see each other.

*gas face*

While I appreciated the invitation, it was kind of a waste of time to sit and watch someone work. Fun, but not enough. Not what I would consider an actual date. We had more time together the first time we met, than we did on those two occasions he invited me out. Eventually, he got around to asking me out for a proper date. And that gave me a glimmer of hope because the date idea was a good one.

Okay... I sort of swooned actually. He had a great idea for the date.  And no noticeable aversion to actually asking me out on a date. Its the little things at this point.

*smile*

It has been pretty rare that I have been asked out on a creative date. The regular ideas (dinner, drinks, movies, etc.) are good but predictable. An unusual date that gives the two of us a chance to talk, take in some sights and just get to know each other... those make my heart sing. But again, they are rare. So, an opportunity to play tourist in my city seemed like a fresh slice of sunshine. Unfortunately, it had to wait until I returned from my trip. There was too much to do to prepare so I just didn't want to stop the momentum. After the trip gave me something to look forward to.

And that's where it all fell apart. We ran into a little difficulty over social media.

**Imagine that?**

Anyone who knows me -- and if you're reading this blog, you've probably got a good idea of this too -- I love social media and use it vigorously.

It is serious over here about social media.

So, imagine my surprise when I'm skipping across twitter one day and I notice that there is a person on twitter just talking about him like a dog. I mean... like a dog. This chick was mad and she wanted the world to know. My first reaction was surprise and then I was disappointed. It was childish. Her rants were those of a scorned woman. I felt badly for her because it was obvious that she was hurt and felt deceived by this guy and I felt like she needed to have more maturity than to take her displeasure with him to the entire world.

Despite what people may think, social media has an impact on your life. For me, your social media reputation actually does matter. Think of it as a background check of sorts. Now, don't think that I automatically dismiss people based on what they tweet or put on facebook. And your "I wanna be a model" pics on instagram will not get you laughed out of contention. That's not it at all. But I do pay attention to what the people in your circle or people that you've dealt with have to say about you. It just gives me an insight into what I might be getting involved with.

So, when I stumbled across this angry person on twitter, I asked him about it. I did not go to her because she was a stranger and ultimately didn't matter at that point. I just wanted some clarity about what was going on. I wasn't mad but I was confused.

I wasn't accusatory. I wasn't mean. I wanted to know who she was and why she was so angry. What she accused him of was pretty serious to me and I wanted to know that I wasn't about to step into a bad scene with a criminal. He assured me that she was just bitter and angry and her complaint was a dispute over some money that was owed. I didn't completely buy it but I didn't press the issue.

But it was a red flag.

Actually it was two red flags. One, someone from your past (or your present) was telling the world that you were a criminal. That is a problem. The second red flag popped up when he copped an attitude about my inquiry. Hmm..?  No bueno. Considering that just the day before we had a long conversation about trust and being honest -- a conversation that was initiated by him in fact -- I found it strange and unsettling that when given an opportunity to be completely honest and forthcoming, he was perturbed.

*gas face*  Say what now? Why you mad at me because this chick is on twitter saying you stole her stuff? Am I not supposed to want to wonder what da heck that is about?

So.... second flag up!

Now... in the very beginning, I felt that he might have been a little shady. Not outright bad perhaps but just a little too slick for my comfort. I can be honest and say... I have trust issues. I believe people will lie more often than they will tell the truth, if the lie will make them look better and the truth might expose some vulnerabilities or failings. When it comes to men... well, my trust and faith has to be EARNED and over a period of time. Not like a day or a week... but months of consistency will show me whether or not I can trust you. And if that trust is broken... in most cases... that will be a wrap for us. Forever and ever. We can mend our friendship but it will never be like it was.

We're going back and forth about this girl... just conversation, not an argument and then he just shuts down. "I don't want to talk about her anymore"

*what?!*  No sir. What you won't do is shut me down... oh no.

So, I replied sweetly... "okay, that's fine. I understand". But inside I was seething. In my head the conversation was...

"Is he freaking serious? Some babe is on twitter calling him a thief, making rude remarks and using his entire government name and he thinks I'm supposed to think... oh, yeah... that's nothing... just ignore all that?"  Has he ever met me? Really? 

But I didn't press the issue then. Remember... that's two red flags and one uneasy gut feeling. Not looking good for ya boy. I press on.

On the flight back from London, I was sitting next to two delightful little girls. They were pleasant and mannerable and did not cause me any problems. In fact, the flight was filled with kids. I was surprised. My parents never took me overseas as a child. (laughs) But then, different families have different lifestyles. Anyhoo... Nic loves kids. I do. However... kids are germy messes. Generally speaking. (and not YOUR kid... I know your kid is different)

*smile*

I got off the plane and headed home and then the next day I felt really run down. And the day after that I got a tickle in my throat and a sniffle. And by the end of the week, I was flat on my back.

SICK!

*damn kids*

(might not have been them, but I've decided to blame them like they were outbreak monkeys anyway)

Around the third day back I reached out to him to say hi, catch up after my trip and try to gauge whether or not our date was still on for the weekend.

Silence.

Hmm. Weird.

Before I left, I had sent a couple of emails to him and asked him to respond. One was important because it was about the blog, but he had not responded before I left. And he did not respond while I was gone. And then he still had not responded once I got back home.

Problem.

Sigh. Okay... so my trust issues get cranked all the way up when I feel ignored. Even if you only respond with "ok"... say something. Otherwise... it gets hectic over here. He did not respond. I got sicker. I finally cancelled the date and wasn't sure if he had gone through any expense in planning it, but I knew I couldn't go out of my house. I now was the outbreak monkey. *sad face*

Still silence.

Hm. Okay then. I go to social media to see whether I missed something. Like maybe he had to go out of town for a project or something happened. And lo and behold... Miss Missy is STILL going in on his ass about stealing her money. Well, its been like 3 weeks since I first noticed it and she's still going in. That was really strange to me. Who does that? Who has that much anger (and time) to keep going in and in and in on someone who is obviously ignoring you?

My thoughts:  Damn she's crazy. Damn he must have put it on her. And damn... do I really want someone in my life who has attracted nutty people like this?

**blink**

That would be a no. In fact, a hearty ass hell to the no. I'm sick. I'm cranky as hell. I'm annoyed that I've been ignored for a week by someone who claimed they wanted to get to know me and then I see that he's been rather active on social media -- like always -- he just ain't checking for me.

Got it.

I sent a nice email saying that it was nice getting to know him but I was getting off the train at this point because nothing felt right. Want to guess how long it took him to respond to that message?

Who guessed FIVE MINUTES?  You win a prize.

*sigh*

So, let's review. He's young (too young if you ask me).  I am not a cougar. I have a strange feeling in my gut that he's less than honest. He has random chicks blasting him on twitter. He often ignores me for no apparent reason (and I'm not a bug-a-boo kind of girl, I will reach out once and then go about my way). And he presses me for honesty that he is unwilling to reciprocate.

Verdict?  I'm done.

Now let me be clear... I know for real that no chick is going to stay that mad for that long with a dude that she wasn't smashing or loving or both. The fact that he didn't want to address it and tried to downplay it only made it clear to me that whatever they had, it was still in process or had not found a resolution. In other words, feelings were still involved. Always a bad scene for the new chick.

Let me be even more clear -- if any man stole from me what she claimed he stole from her, twitter wouldn't be his problem. Keeping that ass away from the police however would be. So... I knew what it was... I just didn't like the way he handled it. And I said that. Perhaps that wasn't something I should have done. But in hindsight... eh. He needed to know that it made him look as badly as she did to have someone flipping out and trashing his name. And it also was a bad reflection on him that when he had an opportunity to be honest and straightforward with me about it, he wasn't. And my personal assessment was that a man who could not handle the women in his life, needed to go back to the drawing board and figure out how to get folks to fall in line.

*shrug*

In the end, he called me childish. I found it funny. He felt that the fact that I unplugged from him in all of our social media connections was taking things too far. I disagreed and more importantly I don't care. How Nicole handles things with people she no longer feels have a place in her life is to delete them from her circle. Is it childish? It doesn't matter. But I don't think so. Why leave a door available unless you are willing to deal with it if they walk back through it? I have no apologies for that. But even more than that it isn't a punishment for them, it holds ME accountable. I let things go and move on and then forget why I stopped speaking to someone in the first place. If I no longer have your number, I can't call you one random day when I'm feeling bored and want to say hi. Feel me? If its petty... then I guess I'll be that. However, I can tell you this... I won't be seeing his random tweets in my timeline. How 'bout that?

So the date that was supposed to happen after my trip... didn't. And the little bug I picked up in London (or on the flight) turned into a major thing and I was sick for weeks. And now...? Well, its almost Christmas and I'm preparing for the new year by working hard and following my dreams.


**************************
PS. Right now... as I am reviewing this incident I have to acknowledge a few things. I probably never should have agreed to go out with him. My head was in a very different space and I should have just left well enough alone. I think he's a talented young man. I think that he is really quite intriguing and I am confident that whatever he fully turns his attention to will flourish. He's that kind of young man. But I also am confident that no matter what happened... he wasn't going to be the guy that I really wanted in my life. For a lot of reasons but mostly... my heart is just in a different place. If it wasn't this social media thing, it would have been something else I'm sure. So, no harm no foul.

He goes his way. I will go mine.

Letting Go Of Dreams You Had BEFORE Breast Cancer

image courtesy of @rekitanicoledesigns

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