Sometimes the anger just creeps up on me

I try to keep my attitude light and my funkiness to a minimum. I have to work at not getting caught in the cycle of "what if"...

...what if I never got breast cancer?
...what if I decided not to be treated?
...what if there was a cure?

Those questions -- and the hundreds that follow and spin-off from them -- are dangerous territory. Most of the time, I'm sort of over the anguish of having breast cancer. Most of the time, it is something that happened -- something awful and traumatic -- but just "something". Life is full of "somethings"... you deal with it and you move on.

But every so often, the anger and the tears rise up and choke me. Just all of a sudden, there is this lump in my throat and a hitch in my voice and a tornado of tears just falls out of the corners of my eyes. It is especially unsettling when this happens just as I'm spending my normal Friday evening... embracing my "spinster-hood" (smile) and watching the crazy wedding shows on TLC.

But here I am, watching my shows, worrying about stuff unrelated to breast cancer and then a phantom pain shoots through my reconstructed breast.

Ugh!

It is annoying because that breast has no feeling but every now and then a phantom pain shoots through as though that breast was real. Its not. And that pain yanked me from my daydreams of wedding dresses and love and into this crazy space.

The tears came. My throat got tight. I eeked out a squeal and a cry. And I just crumpled in anger.

I.
Hate.
This.

I do. And I'm sorry if this disappoints someone or scares someone else... I really am. I want to be a better role model but right now... all alone? I'm just not.

So much tragedy in this world. People are hungry, homeless, dying... and I'm crying because I'm not who I used to be.

*hangs head in shame*

I am human and I get sad and angry because I hate this disease. I still hate that I lost my breast. I still hate that every time I feel a twinge or a pain, I worry that "its back". I hate that I go through all of this alone. I hate it all.

*deep sigh*

I remind myself that I am still here. I am deeply loved. And its okay to get upset. Just don't stay there.

I'm going to watch a Disney movie to get my mood back in order. Tomorrow, I'll be okay. Back to cheery, silly me.



I hope and pray that today we are one step closer to finding a cure.

My love/hate feelings for Lance Armstrong

Lance Armstrong via New York Times

[Armstrong Drops Fight Against Doping Charges]

I just learned that Lance Armstrong will be stripped of all titles he has won from 1998 on. That includes seven Tour de France titles, a bronze medal from the Olympics and many other challenges that he's entered and won. For the past decade, he has been fighting against accusations of illegal doping.

Cycling? Is it that serious? 

I have to admit that I'm not a huge fan of cycling. Okay, I'm hard pressed to remember ever watching the Tour de France at all. But still, I know who Lance Armstrong is and I know that this scandal has been dogging him for a very long time. My relationship with Lance centers around his cancer experience. He is a testicular cancer survivor and the founder of a cancer non-profit, Live Strong. Haven't we all seen (or owned) one of those bright yellow wristbands that said "Live Strong"?

Being a cancer survivor, I am always inspired and encouraged by other survivors who emerge from the dark shadow of cancer to reclaim their position in life and to excel in ways that they may not have done before cancer. As a human being... I find those stories so remarkable. But as a cancer survivor, I find them also troubling and difficult.

Before cancer, Lance Armstrong was an athlete. A world class athlete dedicated to his sport. He was a young man, taking the cycling world by storm when he was diagnosed with stage 3 testicular cancer. At his diagnosis, the prognosis was grim because his cancer had metastasized to his brain and his lungs. But, alternative therapies, a world class neurosurgeon and just plain good fortune worked in his favor and his cancer was treated favorably and he went into remission.

If his story ended right there... it would be remarkable and worthy of a Hallmark movie. But... it doesn't.

Lance Armstrong goes on after his cancer treatment to win the Tour de France an unprecedented SEVEN times. A feat that was unheard of and never accomplished before him. (and I'm not sure if it will be accomplished again any time soon) So, after becoming this mega-super-fantastical cycling wonder... he goes on to start a cancer non-profit that ends up changing the way that the world views cancer survivors. He inserts a new phrase into our lexicon, LIVE STRONG and again, sets the world on fire.

Again... if he had done just one of these things and not all of these things, no one would say that his life wasn't well-lived and very accomplished. But, he's done all of these things. And, from the sidelines, it appears that he's done them with sheer determination and grit.

...and that's why I sort of love him and I sort of hate him.

Sigh. Is there anything he can't do? 

See... I admire his ability to accomplish what no one else has in his sport. I admire his ability to overcome a disease that was set to take him down. I admire his ability to build an organization out of nothing that has created positive and wonderful changes for other survivors. But sheesh... with the bar set this high, it puts a lot of pressure on me as a survivor to be superwoman.

I'm not your Superwoman. 

Those who know me, know that I really detest that "black woman as superwoman" meme that permeates our culture. Black women, as Zora Neale Hurston so aptly stated, are often the mules of the earth. We carry all the burdens of others, along with our own and we keep moving forward. We tend to wear the badge of "superwoman" like its an honor and a privilege. (I honestly, do not feel that it is that) But being a black woman and a breast cancer survivor... some days I feel that the expectation to be this superhero is a heavy burden on my life.

Physical ailments that slow me down. Mental acuity that is not quite as sharp. Fears of recurrence. Seasons of loneliness, depression and fear. Constantly wondering and worrying about the toxicity of our food, our products and our world in general -- and wondering whether or not I can overcome what feels like a plot to make every one sick. Worrying about love relationships. Wondering whether I can ever feel whole enough to allow myself to be loved. Frustrated that infertility is what's left.

These are some of the burdens that this "mule" carries every day. These are the winds that keep my superwoman cape waving... because while these thoughts are constantly swirling around in my mind, I keep my chin up and my head held high so that I don't worry others with my burdens. That's not what superwomen do. We hold it in and shoulder on. We carry our weights and baggage so that we don't inconvenience others. We feel obligated to carry it all and keep moving, hoping that our lives only serve to make others lives better. Never inconvenienced. Never hard.

Do you know how hard that is? Every day? *sigh*

And then there's Lance Armstrong. Looking strong and fit, probably more fit than he was before cancer. Accomplishing more post-cancer than he ever did before. I look at him with awe.... and frustration.

I cannot change being a survivor of breast cancer. I'm not sure that I would want to if I could. But I am not superwoman. And while I presume that it isn't Lance's goal to make other survivors feel badly if they can't do what he does (and what he makes look easy and simple)... I'm here to say that some days, that's exactly what it does.

*shrug*

I feel badly for Lance. Giving up on something is hard. Being accused of something you didn't do is such a horrible feeling. I'm choosing to believe that he didn't dope. I'm choosing to believe in the hero archetype that he presents to the world because... well some days I really need a hero to look up to. And for all the ways that his presence challenges me in ways that make me uncomfortable, he inspires me still. Even in the midst of a failure, his grace is absolutely awesome.

Well done Lance Armstrong.

Why can't I make a dating decision?

A reader sent me a message recently asking me what my dating problem was. This gentleman followed the blog because he was intrigued about the dating life of a single, breast cancer survivor. He followed me on twitter and joined my fan page on Facebook. In other words, he was completely plugged in to all the news about Nicole's dating life. Except... there was no news. And he was confused.

Hmm. I was confused by his question.

To be honest, it came out of the blue and caught me by surprise. I really hadn't thought much about the fact that I don't talk much about my dating exploits. The easy answer is... ain't nothing to tell because I haven't been dating.

Sad, right?

Even my mother has jokes and snide remarks about how I never go out anymore. She and I had a very long (and somewhat emotional) conversation a few weeks ago about the fact that she felt that I needed to return to dating. My mom thinks that I'm hiding from life right now. At least 20 minutes of the conversation focused on the fact that I should accept that I was a cougar and that there was nothing wrong with dating younger men. (Yikes!)

As mothers usually are... she was right about so much of the conversation. And my reader was also right about his confusion about my lack of dating. See, as a follower on twitter, he noticed that I have little flirtings with different guys. But, he took it one step further. He also noticed there was no follow up. And that didn't make sense to him.

(darn shame when you realize that people actually do pay attention to what you talk about... laughs)

So, he wondered whether or not I was really single.
(I am)

Whether I really wanted to find love.
(I do)

And why I wasn't returning any of the interest from the men who were reaching out to me.
(I still don't have an answer for that one)

There is a reason I'm hesitant to date. The truth is that I don't have anything to offer anyone at the moment. I believe that people should date from a position of wholeness. I'm not whole right now. Well, emotionally I am fine. But my life is a bit upside down. The problem is that it appears to others that perhaps I'm still upset about my last relationship. Let me assure everyone... That's not it. 

I've dated a few nice guys over the years that have passed since my ex and I broke up. I'm beyond that relationship now and I'm not bitter about it anymore. But, the important concern right now is that I don't know what I could bring to someone's life right now.

Another part of my challenge with dating is that I am stuck in the cougar-matrix.


Why do I have to be called a cougar? 


Lately, most of the guys that I meet and really like are significantly younger. THAT unnerves me something serious.

This whole "cougar" phenomenon is crazy!

I don't like the term for myself. I don't go out looking for young men to date. I don't specifically target younger men, or go to places where I expect to meet younger men. But I must admit that I meet younger men rather frequently. And for the most part, its a pretty good experience. I have accepted that younger men are really kind of cool. (and usually really quite sexy!)

*gasp, maybe I am a cougar... ick*

So here's the deal. I'm older. I'm single. I'm childless. And I don't date. (foolish I know) And all because I'm obsessed with building a website and a business. All of my money has gone to figuring this out. I spend all of my time on the computer reading, writing, researching and planning. I look... CRAZY. (seriously -- and y'all know I'm vain as hell) I feel like I'm on another planet. I no longer seem to function on a regular life schedule. I have no idea what day or date it is at any given moment. I'm awake when others are sleeping. I'm napping here and there. I'm over caffeinated and generally... just plain weird. Its a nutty existence to be sure.

Sigh. And while I'm thoroughly enjoying the madness of it all... I do not know how to be this girl and date at the same time.

...and that's a shame.

A few weeks ago, I considered dating a guy who was somewhat amazing. Really nice guy. Very, very bright. I mean, wicked smart (intelligence is really sexy to me). Ambitious, driven, super creative... all character traits that I find magnetic. He was also about 15 years younger than me.

Yikes.

YIKES!

He didn't have a problem with my age but I flip-flopped back and forth about his age. In the end, the age difference and my generally nutty demeanor because I'm a computer cave dweller right now... drove me batty. I put that guy through dumb changes while I "thought" about whether or not we should date.

*shakes head*

Poor guy.

No excuses. I don't have any. I'm just a nutball right now. After awhile I accepted that my behavior and demeanor just wasn't something that I needed to put into anyone's life. I finally sent him an email (yeah, that was too crappy I know) and said that I just wasn't ready to date him.

But between me and you... I did like him and I should have allowed myself to date him and let him into my life in a real way.

*hangs head in shame*

What is my problem? Well, my problem is me. One side of my brain completely understands why I am doing what I'm doing and why my life looks the way that it does up close. And the other side of my brain constantly asks the question... "are you going to make this man's life miserable while you try to find yourself?" Or the favorite "shouldn't you be beyond this by now?"

Ha ha. I am sooo ridiculously hard on myself. **still working on that**

All I know is that this is a period of transition. I'm all over the place. If a guy can tolerate all of this uncertainty and randomness... he's a saint. And if he's a saint, he might want to second guess dating this heathen... even though  I can be a lot of fun. Really.

What do you think? Can someone date while their life is in transition? Or should they remain focused on achieving their own goals and getting their life back to a stable position... and pick up dating after that point?

It can't be like it was: time to take it to the next level

I've been struggling these past few months to keep up my enthusiasm and energy for blogging. If you didn't know, the blog has been my occupation for the past couple of years. I decided after leaving my last position, I would take some time and figure out what I really wanted to do with my life now. I wanted to explore writing as a career. I wanted to complete the manuscript I started about my journey with breast cancer. And I thought that blogging would be a good vehicle to help me do that.

The regular writing definitely has made my writing much better and defined my voice. I do enjoy the ability to do my own thing on my own schedule. However, monetizing the blog has been a real challenge. I've tried a number of different tactics and they have had varying levels of success. But overall, the income just isn't significant enough for me to continue this way. A few months ago, I went to the BlogWorld Conference in New York. My intentions were to figure out (once and for all) whether I would continue focusing on blogging or shift to other projects (and different employment).

Well, those were three miserable days for me. The conference was a disappointment. I've attended this conference before and came away excited and ready to set the world on fire with my blog. I learned so much at previous conferences, connected with amazing people (most of whom I still am friends with and whose blogs I read faithfully)... that I was deeply disappointed when this year's conference provided none of that. The energy wasn't the same, the participation levels were significantly lower, the quality of the vendors in the exhibition hall were lacking (they weren't unprofessional, just not good fits for any of the tools or services I could use for this blog) and the sessions were just blah.  I did meet a few really nice people, so I don't consider the trip a complete waste. And I did figure out what I wanted to do with my blog. So, it was good in that sense.

What I concluded is that it is time to take my breast cancer advocacy efforts to the next level. I will continue to blog but my focus has shifted to building the web community that I've been dreaming about for the past two years.

My Dream:  A virtual pink ribbon world

For the past couple of years I have been thinking and dreaming (mostly dreaming) about creating an lively online community for breast cancer survivors. A place that is beautiful and slick, inviting and private. A place where survivors can gather together and support one another. I finally got the courage to stop dreaming and try to make it work.

For the past few months I have been working really hard to gather information about what types of technologies exist that will create what I have in mind. I have also been teaching myself how to code (coding = web development, the behind the scenes language that makes your websites and mobile applications work). Learning coding is slow work for a liberal arts chick like myself. But it is very interesting. I have become immersed in learning about the new wave of technology startups (everybody wants to create the next Facebook) and the bug has bitten me.

Although my site isn't live (its not complete yet - my coding is very rudimentary), the business is being built every day. I spend my days (and nights) learning how to write business plans, plotting for the ways that I want the virtual world to work, learning code language and generally accepting that I am moving from being a blogger to being an entrepreneur. It is a wonderful transition.

Right now, I am raising capital for the business. I have a ton of things to get done before the doors open. One of my biggest expenses is hiring developers. I've been quoted prices ranging from $5,000 - $10,000 to build this site. I still have to do more market research and other things but raising this money is my highest priority. I want this site to be live within the next four months. That will be very challenging, but I'm up for it

You will notice a pink box on my blog that says "go fund me".  If you click this button, you will be taken directly to my fundraising page. I am hoping that the community of followers will see value in what I am building and choose to invest along with me.

Breast cancer survivors still need support after the treatment ends. We still need to connect with others who understand our journey and who can relate to all the changes our lives have taken.

We need this. I want to build this. Will you help with a small donation?

PS. My manuscript is almost complete. I plan to self-publish and use the proceeds from the sales to invest in the new company. :)  #tickledpink

Lymphedema, hot flashes and staying up all night

I've taken to staying up all night to work on the plans for my business. It isn't insomnia though because I am forcing myself to stay awake. I don't know what it is, but I seem to think more clearly, have more creative ideas in the middle of the night. Perhaps because all of the distractions aren't interrupting my thoughts.

The good thing is that I've gotten a lot done. The bad thing is that, for all that I've gotten done there is a whole lot more to do. In the meantime, I've fallen off the wagon with my eating and my exercise. The amazing thing for me about life after breast cancer is that I notice immediately when I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do. When I don't exercise or do my stretches, my arm movement is restricted. My muscles immediately stiffen if I don't stretch at least every other day. It is a good thing and also frustrating. One thing I have let slide is regularly massaging my left arm.

I constantly fall into the bad habit of thinking that I can forget about things for awhile and be okay. But, it just isn't true. I need to give myself a lymphatic massage at least once a week. Since my mind is so focused on the business, I have missed a few weeks and as a result my arm has felt slightly heavy and a bit tighter. I don't know what it will take for me to get it through my thick head that if I don't take complete care of myself, things will fall apart. I want to get it. I really do.

A few days (weeks?) ago I found one of my gauntlets that I thought I had lost during my travels this summer. I was so tickled to find it because replacing it was going to be a struggle. The picture above is of a compressing sleeve and a matching gauntlet (the piece that goes on the hand and looks like fingerless gloves). Using the sleeve without the gauntlet causes my hand to swell from the lymphatic fluid flowing the wrong way. And since I'm not massaging the way I should... the fluid isn't draining away from my arm properly.

*sad face*  I just have to do better.

On another note, my hot flashes have returned. Oh joy. I think it has something to do with my crazy sleep patterns now. But between the hours of midnight and 7:00am, I am a mess. I keep the fan blowing on me constantly. I'm wondering if I've become hooked on the steady cool breeze.

At any rate, those things while inconvenient, are minor. Life is still pretty good otherwise. I'm not sad about it. Once I'm in a better financial situation, I will have regular massages done. I am looking forward to handing that particular responsibility over to a professional. Regular massages are not a bad way of life. (smile)

What about you? Are you taking good care of yourself right now? Or have you begun to slip a little? The year is nearly 3/4 gone... there is still time to finish the year strongly and do better by yourself.

Sharing one of my dark secrets

I was unexpectedly dragged back to a memory reading an email plea yesterday. The plea was from someone in my email group and she was looking for advice on how to deal with a suicidal friend. Her friend had been hit with some health challenges and her marriage was suffering because of it. She mentioned to her friend that she really felt down and had contemplated suicide. This news scared her friend and she reached out to our little community for advice. Reading her email and registering her concern for her friend reminded me of some of my darker days and I responded candidly about my experience with suicidal thoughts.

I know that many of you may not understand or empathize with people who attempt suicide. Although I can empathize with their thoughts and feelings, I do understand why others don't get it. And to be honest, I'm glad that you don't because that says to me that you don't have them. Let me tell you, its not fun to be that down and depressed.

There was a period in my life where I was so down, I would have had to look up to see eye to eye with an ant. (smile) I'm able to smile and chuckle a bit now because I have moved beyond that place emotionally. But I've never forgotten it.

I struggled with clinical depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and anxiety. I was in cognitive therapy and on anti-depressants for many months. To put it mildly, I was a bit of a mess. But unless you were someone extremely close to me, you probably had no idea that all of that was going on. You may have noticed that I was withdrawn, or that I didn't hang out as much. But what you didn't know is that very often my anxiety would get so bad that I could not leave my home. Some days, I could barely move beyond my bathroom. And I lived alone in a one bedroom apartment. (laughs) Its not like there was a lot of space for me to get lost in. But many days, I would simply sit (and function) in my bedroom and never venture farther than the bathroom or kitchen. Going to the living room was too far some days. And leaving just wasn't an option.

Therapy and medication helped me because at that time, I just wanted my life back. I wanted that big "thing" that was frightening me to disappear and give me back my life. The medication helped me to sleep, to move beyond the night terrors that haunted me, and smoothed out my thoughts so that I wasn't  so stuck in the dark place. Therapy helped teach me how to think differently and how to express my anger and my rage when they rose up. I learned that emotions are not bad and I am just as entitled to them as everyone else.

In the years since, I've been diagnosed with breast cancer, lost relationships that I never imagined that I would lose, lost my job and have grieved multiple times over the deaths of family and friends. All very traumatic experiences. But I've never gone back to that very dark place. I've been down, to be sure. And there were days during the roughest parts of my cancer treatment where I screamed and cried to God to just make it all stop. Yes, I did that. But I am so very grateful that He knew better than I did in those moments that it would not be dark and painful always.

I'm sharing this because right now I'm in a very different place. And I am so grateful for that growth. I still have my issues but that's because I'm human and not because I'm depressed or struggling with anxiety. I wanted to let the world know that no matter what you may be dealing with or feeling, you can get beyond this.

Do not allow someone else's thoughts of you define who you are or what you are capable of. You can always make a different choice. Choose to find your own joy and bliss. When you find that place where you feel so passionately about something that you go to bed thinking about it and you wake up thinking about it... then you will have found that sweet spot about life that makes all of the tough times worthwhile.


Right now, I'm chasing my dream of being an entrepreneur and a tech start up founder. I am creating a new world for breast cancer survivors to connect with one another in. I am writing my first book (based on this blog) and even though you can't see the fruits of my labor yet, know that I'm working hard and its coming. But more importantly, be happy for me that I finally found my passion and it really is so sweet right here.