Day 1 of my 21 day meditation challenge

Sigh. My mind (and my life) has been one tumultuous mess lately. So when I saw an advertisement for a 21 day meditation challenge with Deepak Chopra, I thought that it would be a good thing for me to do. I used to meditate (in my own way) for a while. I would describe my process but... well, you'll laugh. And for once, I don't want you to laugh at me. I'll just say this, it was an unorthodox as I am but it worked. Which is sort of the theme of my life. Unorthodox but it works.

Except that lately it isn't working. My life that is. And neither am I. I've been blaming my nutty dysfunction on my grief, and on some other things but at the end of the day why I'm nutty doesn't matter as much as recognizing that I am and then working to fix it. I have increased my prayer life but I still felt the need to do something else. Lots of little signs have been pointing me towards resurrecting my meditation efforts and I finally decided that instead of continuing to flounder around trying to get things right, I would just settle down in my spirit and focus on meditation.

It was a good idea. It IS a good idea. However, I see that these 21 days are going to be more challenging than I thought.

You know how I joke a lot about being a heathen? You don't? Oh, well I do. Its a constant running joke in my life. Many of my friends and family members are very spiritual and religious people. Many are spiritual leaders (ministers, pastors, etc) and I completely respect what they do and how they serve. And I am grateful for their presence in my life because they are constant reminders for me to just act right. So, since I have a potty mouth and a dirty mind, I often joke that I'm a heathen but I'm getting it together.

Well, this morning's attempt at meditation reminded me just how much of a heathen I am. *shaking my head* Its going to be a long 21 days. So here's how it went....

• Looks at the email reminder and thinks, hm.... do I feel like doing this today? 
• Looks again at the email 20 minutes later feeling conflicted. I mean, I did sign up for this. Nobody forced me to. And I know I need to get still and focus. 
• An hour later posts on facebook and twitter that I'm starting this 21 day meditation challenge hoping for some accountability from my facebook friends and twitter followers. I hate for someone to ask me about something and I've already junked it and moved on to something else. 
• Two hours later, looks again at the email and says... well, at least open the link and see what the mediation is about. 
• Clicks through and reads -- very calming stuff -- and notices that there is a recording. Clicks the recording and hears Deepak's calming voice. 
• First thought.. man, dang.... that accent is going to be tough. o_0  After giving myself the side eye for rudeness for no reason, decides that my nasty attitude is probably the best reason I have for doing this meditation exercise.
• Starts playing the recording. Listens intently... for approximately 45 seconds and then picks up cellphone to play words with friends. 
• Gets disgusted with self, starts recording over and puts cellphone down.
• Chastises self to focus! And then proceeds to listen intently. 
• This time I get to about 2 mins before I get fidgety and wonder what's happening on twitter. 
• Pulls up the hootsuite and checks things out. Nothing popping over here. Oh... wait, that looks like a great article about something or another, let me pop on over to CNN and see what's cracking. 
• 45 minutes (and 20 different websites) later, realizes that I've totally ditched my meditation and decides okay.. FOCUS NICOLE! Let's get back to it. 
• This time I get about 4 minutes in before I realize that all this focus on my breath has made me realize that I'm hella thirsty. Can you drink water while you're meditating? Hm, who's banging that gong? Sounds like a little one. And... are those chimes? Like wind chimes or something else? Wonder who created this track? Deepak's voice is making me sleepy. 
• Stops the recording just beyond the halfway point. 
• Agrees with self that I completely suck at meditation. Even though Deepak said not to beat myself up if I skip a day, I'm feeling really pathetic that I can't make it through 15 minutes of sitting still and being quiet. 

Its going to be a long three weeks. Say a prayer for your favorite breast cancer blogger. I need this stillness and this discipline but good lawd.... I did forget how tough it is to just focus on your breath. 

Will try to complete day 1's meditation later. Want to be prepared for day 2. If you're interested in joining me... check it out. 

21 day meditation challenge

My grieving has gone on long enough.

Over the past 9 months, I have lost four relatives... three aunts and a great uncle (well, cousin but he's always been Uncle Oscar to me). With each loss, I've experienced the expected grief, sadness and contemplation. But as they've accumulated in my psyche, along with other news about the losses that friends have been going through... I have realized that the pain of losing family runs so deeply that sometimes you don't even realize that you're feeling pain. I've been hurting for awhile and I'm tired of it.

A few weeks ago, I participated in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure in Washington, DC. To be honest, I only signed up because a few friends kept making inquiries about whether I would participate in the event. Before their gentle insistence, I felt very nonchalant about the event. And after the hoopla a few months ago about the incident with Planned Parenthood, I was even more ambivalent about joining the event. I did not want to get involved in the political noise about Komen and Planned Parenthood. Not that I'm not well-versed in the nuances of political maneuvering but because I want to stay as far away from politics as I can these days. I am jaded and bitter and I don't want that to ruin my vision of life so I opt to ignore most of it. 

My hesitancy was rooted in much more personal and intimate reasons. It hurts my feelings to actually have a visual representation of all the lives affected by this disease. Unlike my pink ribbon sisters, I don't feel buoyed and energized when I'm out there on the National Mall. I am saddened and reminded of all that I've been through and all that many of the women out there are going through. When it came time to raise funds, I didn't even try. Last year I raised a significant amount of money. This year I raised nothing. Again, it wasn't a political statement. It was fatigue.

I chose to support Komen because I know that the money they raise goes to help  organizations in the Washington, DC area that do great work in assisting women in this area with their breast care needs -- including free mammograms. I chose to support Komen because, despite their critics, I feel that they do a great job of keeping the image of breast cancer and the hope of finding a cure in the forefront of the nation's mind (and really the world). That power cannot be underestimated. As much as people feel that they know about breast cancer, they don't know much. But... I am grateful for the small favor that they have a clue that its out there and that it affects millions of women worldwide every year. That small thing is helpful. 

Between the family deaths, the friends with bad news, and the emotional drain of the Race for the Cure... I found myself slipping away. Little by little. Just shrinking. If I'm honest, I know that I've been putting on a good front for my friends and family members. But today, I'm pulling back the mask and I'm baring my heart. This disease frightens me. Today I am fine. I know that I am blessed to be able to say that. Being alone/single and constantly reminded that life is short, death is coming... has been slowly making me unravel.

However, I feel a new day coming. I feel sunshine in my spirit and I'm throwing off my mourning and stepping forward. I've been in a holding pattern for months. I'm tired of it. I have felt sadness and loss. And now I want to feel joy and accomplishment. It is time for forward movement.

I just wanted to let you know.

I'm back.