Perhaps I wouldn't feel so much trepidation if I couldn't picture and relive each moment that they are going through. But I do. As I check their facebook statuses and read their update emails... I feel so deeply saddened and pitiful. It is difficult to be on this journey again as a spectator. Somehow, I thought it would be easier for me than it is.
Yesterday I had a moment where I realized that I had truly come a long way in my journey. I was riding the train back from Richmond and I picked up my overnight bag and put it above my seat in the holding area. A couple of years ago, I could not lift my arm over my head because my range of motion was severely limited due to my mastectomy. I remember taking a flight and being reduced to a teary puddle because I did not have the strength to lift my own bag into the overhead compartment and the flight attendant just stood there looking at me. I felt so judged in that moment. I felt that I didn't measure up to her expectations because I didn't "look" sick or disabled. It was a really humiliating and humbling moment. But yesterday, I picked my bag up with relative ease and didn't hold up the other passengers for any length of time. For me... my healing journey continues. And yet, for thousands of other women -- and two very special women in my life -- the healing journey is really just getting started.
I want my friends to be where I am on this journey. I want us all to be healing and growing and sharing together. Finding ways to laugh at the craziness and indignities and sheer outrageousness of being treated for breast cancer when you're a young, single and vibrant woman. The view from the sidelines is frustrating. I want to do something meaningful but I don't know what reasonable is right now. I hope that I'm saying the right things but I have no idea whether I am. I know I was a cranky, weepy mess through my treatment. I look at my friends with awe and amazement because they are still smiling and happy. At least in the pictures I've seen. It is all so crazy and yet it is sane too. Because I do know that more than likely, they too will be okay. Well, at least as okay as I am.
It is surreal. One thing about the sideline is that it means that the game is going on. It ain't over and though that's a little thing... it is a little thing that does bring me peace of mind.
