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What happens to a dream deferred?
~Langston Hughes
I am stubborn. I've always been stubborn.
My mother calls it bull-headed. I guess that's a nod to my Taurus nature. I call it determined. That's a nod to my tendency to be afraid of making the wrong choice. Either way, semantics aside... I don't let go of things very easily. Especially when it feels to me that this "thing" is of major importance.
That feeling of double-ness lingers
Sometimes I think that I've come to a peaceful place about something (like having children or being married) and one innocent comment from someone sends my heart into somersaults.
Recently a sister in one of my email groups announced that she was pregnant. She too is a survivor and as I read her message I was split into two pieces.
I immediately felt elated and joyous and then sad and angry. I can't lie. I "knew" the elation she felt to learn that she was pregnant after going through all of the treatment for breast cancer and being told repeatedly that she probably would never have a child naturally. I FELT it. Deep in my gut.
And then... the knife twist... it wasn't my joy.
I felt robbed. Cheated. Angry. And as hot tears leaped out of my eyes... I responded that it was a beautiful blessing indeed. I truly felt that too.
This constant double-ness is troubling. I have dreams that may never come to fruition and at the same time, I am in a place where I know that my life is beautiful, if for no other reason than the fact that I am here.
I moved on. I pushed it away and then in the midst of an innocent conversation with a guy about the randomness of life... he asked me about kids. Whether I wanted them and whether I could have them.
*SNAP*
Instantly... I was back in the land of double-ness again. I tried to explain that while I felt that I was too old at this point to consider it, I still had the same problem now that I had before cancer... I am alone. He teasingly chastised me about not being a mother to a deserving kid because I was waiting for a husband... still. That made me think for awhile.
A part of me was annoyed that the questions caused so much angst. I thought that I had put away those feelings and made peace with where I am in life. But here I was, defending my decision to not have children by myself and angry that fertility was yet another thing that breast cancer took from me.
Ugh... when does it stop? When do I stop feeling like I am living a "make do" life?
Tired of making do
I am currently in a weird state of non-dating (and have been for many, many months). There are multiple reasons for this choice but mostly its because I am tired. Tired of foolishness. Tired of explaining the "Nicole story". And as I feel that way, I know that it is completely counter-productive to the notion that I want to be in love and be able to wrap my arms around a man that I love and who loves me. *sigh*
After my conversation with the guy-friend, I realized that it was beyond time for me to simply "let it go"... in all things. Again.
Not easy. Yes, draining. But love is worth that risk.
In the midst of grieving and mourning the deaths of several family members this year... I give myself permission to let go of feelings of inadequacy and guilt for being here. Obviously, I am here for a reason. And as long as I am here... I will keep turning my face to the sun and look for the best that I can offer to the world.
I am choosing... to let it go.
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