Years before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I struggled with an anxiety issue. At one point, I would have a really difficult time just leaving my home. To be honest, it created a lot of problems for me. But I dealt with the issue in therapy and I felt that I had handled the problem. I guess for many years, I did. And then breast cancer came along and things got tough again. I think that my efforts to DO a lot of things has triggered my anxiety issues again. And it sucks.
I had a melt-down today and it made me realize that I had been hiding from myself. It is hard to explain how I'm feeling. Angry with myself. Disappointed. Frustrated. Sad. A whole lot of sad.
Feeling overwhelmed with life happens to most people I'd think at one point or another. For me, I put a lot of pressure on myself to be great. Not perfect but definitely above average. Okay.... I aim for perfection and I settle for above average. Anything less than that makes me crazy.
I feel so far beneath that right now that I could be living in a ditch. Telling myself that I'm doing alright helps. But sometimes, when a plan falls through or I can't get something done... nothing helps and then everything feels like its crashing down around my head.
...and I crumple into a ball of tears and fears and anger. Which sometimes triggers an anxiety attack where my chest hurts, my breathing gets difficult and everything basic about life gets hard. You know, breathing, focusing, blinking, being calm... all of that easy stuff becomes incredibly hard.
I'm sharing this because I need to get it off my chest. And also because it isn't easy every day. I don't wake up with a smile all the time or feeling like super woman. Most days, its all good and I'm fine. But then there are days like today... when my to-do list is too long and I can't see my way to the bottom and for whatever reason I simply feel like I'm just not good enough.
I had a chat this morning with a pink ribbon sister and she was going for her 6 month check-up today. And even though she (like me) had been through it a bunch of times... this time was just as scary as the first time. She had had a scare with some of her scans coming back unusual -- but it was deemed to be a minor issue and not cancer -- and as we chatted I just felt the anxiety creeping around my neck. Tightening around my throat.
My to-do list is a mile long because there's just so much to get done. I always feel like time is running out, that time is against me. I don't care that every time I go for my check-up its clear. One day it might not be. I don't know when that day will be but in the meantime... I'm running for my life.
I mentally prepare for the day when it won't be clear and I will become a fighter again; fighting for my life.
*deep sigh*
This is part of my life as a survivor. I always think and worry about recurrence. Even though I try not talk about it, it is always on my mind.
