I had a small anxiety attack today...

Years before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I struggled with an anxiety issue. At one point, I would struggle with just leaving my home. To be honest, it created a lot of problems for me. But I dealt with the issue in therapy and I felt that I had handled the problem. And I guess for many years, I did.

But I think that my efforts to do a lot of things has triggered my anxiety issues again. And it sucks.

I had a melt-down today and it made me realize that I had been hiding from myself. It is hard to explain how I'm feeling. Angry with myself. Disappointed. Frustrated. Sad. A whole lot of sad.

Feeling overwhelmed with life happens to most people I'd think at one point or another. For me, I put a lot of pressure on myself to be great. Not perfect but definitely above average. Okay.... I aim for perfection and I settle for above average. Anything less than that makes me crazy.

And I feel so far beneath that right now that I could be living in a ditch. Telling myself that I'm doing alright helps. But sometimes, when a plan falls through or I can't get something done... nothing helps and then everything feels like its crashing down around my head.

...and I crumple into a ball of tears and fears and anger.

I'm sharing this because I need to get it off my chest. And also because it isn't easy every day. I don't wake up with a smile all the time or feeling like super woman. Most days, its all good and I'm fine. But then there are days like today... when my to-do list is too long and I can't see my way to the bottom and for whatever reason I simply feel like I'm just not good enough.

I had a chat this morning with a pink ribbon sister and she was going for her 6 month check-up today. And even though she (like me) had been through it a bunch of times... this time was just as scary as the first time. She had had a scare with some of her scans coming back unusual -- but it was deemed to be a minor issue and not cancer -- and as we chatted I just felt the anxiety creeping around my neck. Tightening around my throat.

My to-do list is a mile long because I feel like there's just so much to get done. I don't care that every time I go for my check-up its clear. One day it might not be.  I don't know when that day will be but in the meantime... I'm running for my life.

*deep sigh*

Now that the panic attack is over... I realize that I have to be easier on myself. I guess its just one of those days.