Thanksgiving Eve 2011...

OMG... I feel awful. I feel sick. I am weak and a little wobbly. And more than anything... I am only slightly upset about it. Its Thanksgiving. Well, the night before Thanksgiving and I am reflecting as I reposition my heating pad on my back, and try to pretend that the smell of Ben Gay isn't giving me a headache. I feel bad because my menstrual cycle showed up yesterday. And... I'm more than annoyed that it came back less than a month after it left.

What is this? Two months in a row? Again with this madness? *deep sigh*  I know some of y'all are pretty young and haven't hit a stage in your life where you no longer have a cycle but while I cried and was upset when I had my ovaries put to sleep three years ago when I started chemotherapy... *looking around sheepishly*  I LOVED not having a cycle for two years.  Freaking loved it.

Man!! You don't realize how much of a pain in the behind all of this cramping and back ache and bloating and PMS is... until you don't have it. *sigh* Oh well... I still love being a girl.

This post was supposed to be about what I am thankful for this year... and I suppose that as nutty and crazy as it seems, especially since I feel so freaking awful, I am thankful for my menses. Because it is normal for a woman my age to have them. Normal. That's what I am now. I am normal. Post breast cancer, regular ol' broke chick normal. I go on bad dates. I eat great food. I laugh a lot. I have a crush on a cute boy. I send texts. I write in my journal -- well, not exactly my journal, but I write down my thoughts. I look for a job, like everybody else in the unemployed world. I drink when I'm out with my friends -- or when I'm just feeling like a little something at home. I watch the Food Network. I am normal.

Isn't that just a blessing? Three years ago, I was fighting to be brave. I was "Weeping Wanda" who cried pretty much all day long. Now, I laugh more than I cry. I tell myself corny knock-knock jokes and fall out laughing as though Bernie Mac was giving me a personal comedy show. I worry about wearing the right shoes, or the right dress... which earrings to wear... all of that silly stuff that just fills up your day. I do that now. I don't have to go to the hospital every few days. I could go on and on.. Granted, normal is different now but it is mundane, just like every one else's life.

I think that finding normal has made me the happiest that I've been in three years. And for that... I am thankful and grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I am grateful and thankful for your presence and your support. You rock!!

~Nicole

What I'm reading now: The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl's Sex

I am making sure to keep my skills up to par (just in case Mr. Right comes along)

I have a personal theory about why nerds make good partners. Besides the obvious (assumed) reasons -- they are smart, they will be loyal, they probably will make good money -- my theory that nerds make good partners is based solely on the notion that nerds know that they are nerds. The bad boy and the player... know that they are attractive. They work diligently to look great, to be smooth talkers and to dress the part. The drive the right cars (or motorcycles) and they tend to have this delicious swag that makes you catch your breath when they pass you by. For those guys, the work goes into the appearance.

Nerds are different. Nerds know that they aren't the fly-est guy in the spot. Nerds are naturally inquisitive and they tend to be studious. They apply the same enthusiasm they have for a new subject to someone they are interested in. They learn you. From head to toe, inside out... they figure out what you like, what makes you smile and they work to perfect those transitions so that even if they aren't the fly-est guy, they know that they can make you happy.

I've also learned, that nerds tend to apply that same fastidiousness to their sex lives.

*eye brow raised* 

Yep, I'm telling y'all the truth right now -- so take notes.

Great book!
http://amzn.to/1diRo28

Next time you're hanging over your favorite nerd's house, check out his library. If he's really a true nerd... somewhere in there (might be hidden from view) there are books, videos and other tutorial aids that will help him figure out how to get YOU where you want to go. I promise... they are there!

Ever hooked up with a guy that you weren't completely sure about? He was nice... but something was sort of missing? And then, he kissed you, or he brought you your favorite flowers, took you to your favorite restaurant... complimented your new lipstick, hairdo... something small but it was powerful? He may have complimented you with a sincerity that made you blush. And if you stuck around with that nerd, perhaps... he blew your socks off when you got to the bedroom. You were sitting there, curled in a fetal position with your thumb in your mouth trying to figure out when Clark Kent turned into Superman?

 (sigh)  Yep. I've been there.  *That's why I like nerds*  



So... for the nerdy girls out there -- although with girls, it's not usually that we're nerds as much as we're stuck in the "good girl" zone. Personally, I think that whole damn term "good girl" needs to die. Like now. At any rate... if you're stuck in the good girl zone... and you're wondering how it is that so many chicks just seem to naturally connect with their inner sex-pot... well, you need to pick up this book.

"The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex" written by Barbara Keesling.. 

This book is actually pretty good.  I bought it on the sale rack at some bookstore just because the title was hilarious to me. But... the author has done a great job of breaking a lot of things down. She addresses how to dress, how to walk, how to talk and she also gives detailed (though not embarrassing) instructions on how to get to know yourself.

Just remember...
Clark Kent was Superman. 

I highly recommend picking up a copy of this little book. It has some good stuff in it. Being a breast cancer survivor, some days it's a challenge to connect with my inner sex kitten. Sharing my body with someone has so many emotional mines that it can be really hard to keep my head in the game.  Literally. So, I read books like this, to reconnect with my body and stay in tune with my innate sexiness. Despite what happened to my body on this journey to wholeness... I am still a very sexual person. (Plus, my hormones won't let me forget it even if I want to try) I connect with my inner nerd and I'm trying to be Lois Lane for my next Clark Kent... I can't be the only one curled up with my thumb in my mouth.

**Note:  Nerds and shy guys are not the same thing. A nerd can be outgoing or shy... if you've got a shy nerd on your hands, you might have to work a little bit harder to get him out of his shell. Personally, I don't date shy men. It is too frustrating for me. But, plenty of my friends are shy and date shy guys... so don't discount the shy fellow. Just find a way to connect with him and watch him blossom under your attention. **

Chapters:
Bad girls feel good about being bad
Bad girls have sex on the brain
Bad girls dress the part
Bad girls walk the walk
Bad girls know how to talk sexy, in and out of bed
Bad girls know their bodies
Bad girls touch and tease
Bad girls love to climax
Bad girls play with toys
Bad girls break all the rules

I'm telling you... it's a good book. I am currently trying to figure one thing out... and when I do... watchoutdernow!

While I was in active treatment, I made sure to be clear with my medical team that my sexual life was important. There are a lot of stories on the internet about other survivors and their struggles with intimacy. So many reasons can be blamed... medication, lowered self-esteem, body image issues, relationship problems, painful intercourse, etc. I'm fortunate that I haven't had any physical issues to contend with and I'm constantly working on my emotional issues about my body. Sex, good sex... is too good to lose out on for the rest of my life.

Happy reading!

The perspective of what freedom costs...

We've all heard (or said) that freedom isn't free. Somewhere, someone is paying the price for the freedom that we may take for granted. This saying is usually said in appreciation of the sacrifices that our military makes on our behalf. And they do deserve our compassion, support and understanding. No doubt.

But, we can also look at what we gain when we lose some (or all) of our freedom. A prison isn't just a place with four walls and guards. Some of us are imprisoned by our minds, our circumstances and our bodies. The freedom of believing in yourself, of having the opportunity to follow your dreams or to simply walk on your own, or raise your arms over your head... cannot be underestimated.

I am coming to a place of peace in the journey with breast cancer. I do still have questions and moments when I look around and just wonder ... what in the hell? But, peace is coming to me and settling on me. I have moments when I look at a commercial or a television show and I watch a young woman do something as simple as lift her hands over her head and perhaps sway to some music... and I sigh. I took that simple motion for granted my entire life... until after I had my mastectomy and I couldn't reach up with my left arm. Today, my range of motion is much better, though I have to constantly massage and exercise that arm. I can lift both arms over my head but its not quite the same. The motion is not as fluid and I "feel" it more. But... I am free from cancer. So, the price of my freedom was losing a bit of my gracefulness and a smidge of my motion. Was it worth it? Absolutely.

I often have moments when I look at women with full breasts, or deep cleavage and I mentally flashback to my days of larger breasts and exorbitant cleavage (laughs). I sigh sometimes and I think about where I am today. My boobies are still a nice size -- do not feel sorry for me -- but these boobies are not the same boobies that I had. I took that freedom for granted. I didn't appreciate all the ways that my breasts helped me to feel like me. I always just knew that when I had kids I would breast feed and then after that, I would consider a breast reduction. And today... even if I could have kids, I can't breast feed. But... I am free from cancer. So, the price of that freedom was the loss of one breast completely and the reduction of the other. I lost a bit of my curves in profile and also the frustration of not being able to fit certain clothes because of my breasts. Was it worth it? Was the price for my freedom too high? No. It was not.

Today, I read a blog post written by an incarcerated murderer. He is in a program for incarcerted men that teaches them technology and partners them with a company in the Silicone Valley so that they can learn about technology and possibly gain employment after their release. These men are now embarking on a blog journey to share their stories with the world. While I'm not the bleeding heart softy that many people are, I do believe that you can learn from a variety of sources. The post that I read today was about freedom. "Doin' time or usin' time"  And the post actually opened my heart today and reminded me that it all is about perspective. While I do not sympathize with this man... he took someone's life and for me, its just hard to come back from that... I do appreciate that he is learning that the price he's paying for that brutality is freedom. The same freedom that he took from someone else.

Today, I am accepting that while my body is not the same and never will be the same... the price that I paid for my freedom wasn't too high. Wasn't too much. And if I were faced with the same choices, I would make them all over again. I would cry in the same places, feel the same heartbreak and accept that sometimes you have to give something up, to gain something better. Freedom ain't free.

Do not allow the prison of your mind, your circumstances or your body... keep you from loving your life, from living your life and from being a blessing to someone else's life. Pay the necessary price for your freedom... and then USE IT!

My things have been returned...

A few weeks ago I wrote about my frustration and disappointment that my purse and my shoes were "lost" in the back of a cab. You can read the story here:    http://fabulous-boobies.blogspot.com/2011/10/on-faith-blood-and-being-completely.html

Well, this is a praise report. I have had all of my things returned. Every single thing. My purse was returned in its entirety and my shoes. While I still do not know why the cab driver chose to leave me stranded on a cold, rainy night I am truly grateful that my prayers were answered and he turned in my things. My faith in people has been restored.

While I was at the Taxicab Commission's office to pick up my items, I had a brief conversation with the lady who held my items for me. She offered a theory as to why the cab driver left me. She told me that some of the drivers are afraid of patrons who need to stop at an ATM or who are going a long distance. She told me that many of the drivers believe that if a patron needs to stop, they will run and not pay. Or they may be setting them up to be robbed. Though she did not mention race in her explanation but I still feel that race played a part in this situation.

I've had my things for over a week now and it took me some time to gather my thoughts about this situation and come to a place of peace and not anger. I suppose I should not presume that just because I was well dressed and coming from a place as fancy as the Kennedy center, that someone could not look at me and see a criminal. I sort of understand that. But I find it hard to imagine that if I were a different race heading across the bridge into Northern Virginia and had made the same request to go to an ATM to get cash so that I could pay the driver... I really doubt that I would have been left on that cold corner. But since I am not a different race and I don't live in Northern Virginia, I can only accept that for whatever reason... that cab driver did not want to take a chance on me. I suppose that he didn't realize that as a single woman traveling alone at night... I too was taking a chance on him.

Look, I know that we live in a world where people will try to take advantage of you. I know that probably better than many people do. I struggled with whether to deal with this gentleman directly. While at the office, the lady gave me a copy of the form that the driver completed when he turned in my things. The form had his real name and his full home address. She gave it to me when I mentioned that I asked him to stop so that I would have enough money to pay him and when she realized that he wasn't paid she offered me his address so that (if I chose to) I could send him money to pay him.

*slow blink*  

I smiled sweetly, folded the paper and put it in my purse. My immediate thoughts were far from sending him a thank you note and some cash to cover the few blocks that he drove me before leaving me stranded and helpless late at night on a DC street corner. But after thinking about it for some time, and praying about it daily... I have decided that what I can do is to call it even.

I thank him for returning my things. He did not have to do that. But that is as far as I can go. I am a work in progress, I will admit that. Perhaps I should send him a few dollars and a note to say thank you for the effort of returning my things. I'm still not there yet. When I recall how I felt that night, and how sick and anxious I was that following week... and how I had to change my travel plans because my identification was now missing... there is still anger there. I'm just not completely there yet.

If more punishment is due him or to me, karma will have to take care of that. At this point, I simply wish him peace and blessings and some understanding that not every person is a criminal trying to take advantage of him.

Returned:  One vintage purse given to me by my mother.
Returned: All contents of said purse, including makeup, cellphone charger and ear buds.
Returned: One fabulous pair of Betsey Johnson shoes.
Restored: My faith that people do have some compassion for other people.

I am blessed. And I am thrilled that I have my things back. God remains a wonder to me.

My new daily habit: detox tea

Get Clean Detox Tea is the BIZNESS! 

Get Clean is GREAT DETOX TEA! 

*Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. Using these links to make a purchase will result in a commission for the blog. It won't affect your prices at all but you'll certainly help to sustain this blog.*

If we're Facebook friends then by now you've noticed my many statuses about my regular consumption of detox tea. I drink tea daily... and I rotate which type of tea I have, depending on my mood. Some days I'm all over ginger-peach. Other days, its chai -- oh, how I love chai! But lately, I've been alternating between detox tea and senna tea. Senna tea is a mild laxative (hate to be gross but.. eh) and it helps keep me feeling "light" on the inside. (laughs) But, as much as I believe that detox tea is good for the body... I didn't find any that I enjoyed that much.

Until I found "Get Clean Tea" by The Republic of Tea. I am a Republic of Tea fan thanks to their very wonderful and tasty ginger-peach tea. It is FABULOUS! But this detox tea is now my new favorite thing.

Seriously.

It has a mild flavor with a little hint of sweetness... sort of an almond flavor to it. It is rooibos tea with milk thistle and dandelion to cleanse the liver. Its supposed to have a ton of anti-oxidants and all other yummy, good-for-you stuff in it. But what I can tell you is that with just a smidge of agave nectar, it is absolutely refreshing. I really can't describe it, but I just feel better after a couple of days of drinking this tea.

The road to eating clean(er) and healthy(er) for me is a very bumpy one. I like yummy food. I like having an "adult beverage" somewhat regularly - including wine, martinis, margaritas and other tasty concoctions. I like fried chicken and sweets like donuts, and cake and pies. In other words... I constantly struggle with balancing eating well, with indulging in what I like and what brings me comfort. Even after reading so much information about what's in our foods and how different things affect our body and our health... sometimes... a donut just whispers my name. Or one of those soft pretzels from the mall. *hangs head in shame... yes, I had one the other day*

So, to balance my up and down eating habits -- I do eat lots of yogurt, fresh fruit, and vegetables -- I drink my teas. If you're looking for a detox tea to try, I highly recommend trying the "Get Clean Tea" by The Republic of Tea. I don't think you'll be disappointed.

Oh, be sure to read the label and know that you are not allergic to any of the ingredients in this product. I've read about some people having allergies to milk thistle. And, due to the inclusion of the almond flavor, this is not a product for people with nut allergies.

I've become really hooked on rooibos tea and this is a great one. Definitely give it a try if you're looking for a tasty herbal tea.

That's it for now, 

Nic

Can We Connect Our Cancer To The Everyday Items In Our Lives?

I May Never Wear A Wedding Ring

*Originally written Nov. 2011, updated Oct. 2015: I am in a great relationship now (going strong for over 2 years) but this issue of wearing rings - and not wearing rings - stays on my mind. Breast cancer and lymphedema changed my life in so many ways. Sigh...*