Yes... love through breast cancer is possible

Love through breast cancer is possible

One of my favorite R&B artists, Musiq Soulchild, released a video for his latest single, "Yes" recently; just before Breast Cancer Awareness month. The video is a tribute to women with breast cancer. Musiq is an Ambassador for Susan G. Komen Foundation Circle of Promise.

The Circle of Promise is an initiative by the Komen Foundation to bring awareness and education directly to African American women. Because of our higher mortality rates with breast cancer, Komen has taken on the challenge to help eradicate some of the fear and ignorance that exists in the black community about breast cancer. It is, to me, a great initiative.

In his video, Musiq sings about a deep and unconditional love... a love that stands through the test of an illness like breast cancer and the changes that it brings (and the fear). The video is affirming and heart wrenching. Affirming because even though I don't currently have a love like this in my life... I do know (and I remain hopeful) that it is possible. And its heart wrenching because the video is extremely well done. It is poignant and touching and true. It is the truth of the video... the shame about using a prosthetic, the anger, the fear, the weakness... that makes me cry every time that I watch it. And honestly, I watch this video regularly.

When I started this journey with breast cancer I had a guy by my side. And it did not occur to me that there would come a day when he wasn't there. But that day did come where we went our separate ways... and the pain of that aloneness weighed on my heart heavily for a really long time. Its been awhile since we broke up and most of the pain of the breakup is gone. Along with the disappointment.

Watching Musiq help her cut her hair, hug her when she was raging, and be there to support her when she fell... was so bittersweet. I think about love a lot. I wonder whether I am lovable as I am. I wonder whether love will find me. I wonder whether the man I do finally choose to love next... will be able to deal with all of this should the cancer decide to return.

It is that fear of recurrence that makes me hesitant about love. Nobody expects to have to deal with that sort of major life drama. I constantly worry about the fairness of falling in love with someone knowing that there is no guarantee that the monster won't return. I just don't know.

What I do know is that this video is amazing. Musiq has eloquently captured the essence of what love is and what love does in his lyrics.  I know that cancer has a way of killing relationships. Any major trauma does. I know many survivors who divorced or broke up with long-term partners during their cancer treatment. And every time I think about that... I get sad. But, I also know that some relationships are strengthened because of the cancer. I know that some folks find another path to love, one that takes them through the cancer and into a deeper place that only their partner can understand. I try to keep those positive thoughts in mind when I consider that I just might... want to fall head over heels in love one day with a man as sweet and as kind to me as Musiq was in that video.

I have a lot of love in my heart to give to the right man. I'm ready to love again. Truly ready.



Link: Circle of Promise

Time for the master cleanse... again

I woke up the other day and I was FAT!

*gasp*

Okay. So... I didn't just wake up one day and realize that I'd gained a few pounds. But, it certainly feels that way. I don't know what happened... well, I guess that's not true either. I know what happened. But at any rate, I know that I need to get back on track.

The seasons are changing and that means that its time to cleanse. I try to do a detox cleanse every quarter/every season. Its a way to clear my head, clean my system of whatever junk and crap I've been dumping into it... and to jump back into healthier eating and working out.

I was going to say "if I've slipped" but I know me... and by now I'm pretty sure you know me too and its not "if I've slipped" but SINCE I've slipped. (laughs)  I'm lousy about working out and eating healthy. But I do have good intentions.

I'll be back on the Master Cleanse in a few days. If you've never done it, I do encourage it. You will be amazed at how much better you feel after a few days (really its a week) of detoxing. In addition to the lemonade drink, I also soak in a bath with Epsom salts during the cleanse as well (actually, I do that all year round). It helps with the detoxification process as well.

I had a rude awakening because I looked at a picture of myself at the beginning of the summer in one of my bathing suits and then I looked in the mirror.

uh. Whose body is THAT?

*face twisted at the mirror, squinting trying to make it better*

Yeah. Gotta get back in order. Not now, but right now. Fried chicken wings when I go out and grilled cheese sandwiches when I can't sleep... wow.  Yuck on my waistline.  Suffering through insomnia and then not walking/running when I am awake... yeah, that's a good plan. (insert sarcastic look here)  Drinking, drinking, drinking... did I mention drinking calories all the time? Ugh. I've been swilling on sodas, liquor, tea made with (gasp) SUGAR... ohhhh! I'm so ashamed. Ice cream in the middle of the night. Candy, popcorn... yeah. You name it and I've probably gulped it down, licked the plate and my fingers and reached for more.

*head nod*  Yeah. So... when I woke up fat the other day... it was only because I've been looking at myself with one eye closed when it comes to eating well and doing the right thing. Right now, we're just looking at a little bloat around the middle and about 5-8 pounds but when you're already not really a small girl... everything extra is just EXTRA.

Oh well. Gotta do it. Its fall now and while I could hide in big sweaters and chunky clothes, I don't want to do that.  Anybody else out there doing cleanses or other detox methods? What works for you?

No kids for me...

When you're a single woman of a certain age, inevitably the topic of children will come up in conversation. If you are a single woman without children, like me, also inevitably the question will pop up "do you want to have kids?" And if you're a single woman without kids who has been through breast cancer treatment... the answer isn't a simple one.

Prior to my diagnosis, I thought that I wanted children. I thought that the holdup in my life was that I did not have a husband. The year that I was diagnosed, I set out with all diligence to find that guy to complete the partnership that I desired so that I could have the child that my heart told me that it wanted. I can be honest in hindsight. I was terrified of the thought of being a mother. But, I did want that. I wanted to give my parents the grandchild that they really longed for. And I felt that I was ready to move my life into the next lane. I was an adult, fully grown and all that. It was time. Right?

Well... before I could get started on that journey I found out that I had breast cancer and the only thing that I could focus on was getting rid of the cancer. When I learned that the chemotherapy would probably kill my fertility I panicked. And then I researched my options. Time was critical and money was short... so harvesting eggs and all that just wasn't in the cards for me. The next best option was to have my ovaries put to sleep and hope that they resurrected after my treatment ended. And two years later they did. Only to stop a few months later.

So, now I am a relatively young woman entering menopause and while I enjoy the freedom of life without my menses, I did grieve the loss of having kids for months. I bring all this up today because the other day I had a brief conversation with a girlfriend who is contemplating having children right now and she asked me the inevitable question about my own choice to have children at this point. Because she's my friend I was honest with her. Its not going to happen for me. And for the first time in this journey with breast cancer, that reality doesn't make me weepy and sad.

Right now, I am healthy (relatively) and cancer-free but there is no magic mirror that will tell me whether it will always be this way. If I met my future-husband today and we were married and ready for a family within the next few months... I believe that I would still feel this way. No kids for me. I love children, I do. But it feels totally selfish to think of having kids knowing that they may have to deal with my cancer recurrence in the future. That's not the life that I want for my babies.

This statement may turn off the guys planning to woo me in the future. I am sorry about that. But I think that it will be enough of a challenge to just love me and be able to handle all the many moods of Nicole. I hope that loving me alone will be sufficient for my husband.

I am so ready for Fall

This is probably the first time in my life that I am eagerly looking forward to autumn. But I really and truly am ready for summer to end. I like summer, I really do. It is one of my favorite times of year (spring is my all-time favorite season ever). However, it seems that this year I have answered more questions about this stupid compression sleeve than I ever imagined possible.

I hate this lymphedema CRAP!

I'm not mad with my friends or my acquaintances -- or even the strangers on the street -- who have inquired about my various sleeves. Just like this beautiful girl in this picture with her compression sleeve... it looks odd. I know it does. But I cannot help that. I have to wear a sleeve every day.

I have several sleeves that I interchange depending on my mood and my outfits. The only time I don't wear the sleeve is if I'm feeling really particularly vain -- going to a party or something and I'm wearing a nice dress -- and when I'm bathing or something like that. I have sleeves that are close (or supposed to be) to my skin complexion. I have a sleeve that looks like a sleeve of tattoos. I have a sleeve that is bejeweled with a very pretty and feminine design. All of that. And basically, all of my efforts to look fashionable are well... limited because at the end of the day my entire arm (and sometimes my hand too) is covered in a huge bandage. It is depressing some days.

I got used to wearing the sleeve soon after I started wearing it. Its not painful, and neither is the swelling in my arm most of the time. However, I'd be stretching the truth if I said that it was sexy or appealing in any way. *shrug* A girl has to do what a girl has to do.

I do my stretches and arm exercises. I massage my arm a few times a week. Usually with my hand but sometimes I'll use my large electric massage unit. But, I don't know... I guess I thought that after awhile this would go away. I know they said I'd probably be dealing with this for the rest of my life but I really thought that it would stop. That it would get better. That my arm would go down and I wouldn't have to maintain this crazy lopsided look. But... here I am a year later and the full realization that this could be forever is hitting me like a ton of bricks.

I've been upset for the past two weeks because my hand has been swollen. For me, that's unusual unless I'm traveling. The worst part of my swelling is in my upper arm area. About a week or so ago, my hand joined in the chorus and actually had the nerve to ache and hurt. *BLOWN!* I thought that perhaps I slept on it wrong. Or that it was a temporary issue because of the weather but when wearing the gauntlet didn't help immediately (the gauntlet is the small glove-like sleeve for your hand)... I had a deep revelation and all I could do was sigh. Once again, this mess is serious. I hate that there isn't a cure or a fix for this. I've been researching alternative options because I just refuse to go through this forever.

That's why I'm excited for fall to arrive. I need sweaters and long sleeve shirts. I need coats and long gloves. I need to hide this thing. At least for a few months. Long enough so that I can regain a little bit of mental freedom from breast cancer.

I've been shopping a little bit. Trying to prepare for the coming chilly weather. I haven't purchased a lot but I am keeping my eyes open for cute and sassy outfits that will allow me to feel sexy and hide this stupid sleeve. 'Cuz I'm sick of it.

~Nic

PS. I think the problem is that I've been over-exerting my left arm; carrying packages that are too heavy, working it out too vigorously... etc. So, I've scaled back a bit and I've resumed keeping my arm raised above my heart several times a day and things are getting back to normal. Of course, that's the new normal... not the old normal -- you know, the normal where things on my body actually match.