I swear, some days it feels like I've been on this single-go-round for 100 years. It is ridiculous. 2011 was supposed to be my year of trying new things, expanding my dating horizons and being open to finding love no matter where or how it showed up.
*gas face*
So, with that mindset I have accepted dates with guys that I wasn't necessarily very attracted to initially, but who seemed like decent people. And to be fair and honest, I've met some interesting and relatively nice people this year. But, no love connections. The other day I had yet another missed opportunity/messed up connection with someone and the weight of the disappointment just made me so tired. I mean, I literally just got weak. My knees buckled a little bit and I just went to my room and got in the bed. Normally, my reaction would be to get really angry or very sad. To walk outside and scream to heaven... something like that. But, none of that happened. This time, when the disappointment hit... I just felt weak.
(confession: I did get angry the next day)
A couple of months ago, I had a really very interesting and inspiring conversation with a male friend. He is someone that I went out with for a short time some years ago, but we didn't quite work. Years later, thanks to Facebook, we settled into an interesting friendship. This particular friend is now a newlywed and I have never seen or heard him so happy in all of the years that I've known him. *People in love are just too doggone cute and their excitement is infectious* I don't remember what prompted our conversation but he proceeded to tell me the story of how he met his wife and about their romance. It was a very touching story. While he was talking about them... I felt like he was reading my mind. Long story short, he and his wife met on a blind date. And neither of them really wanted to go on the date. But it turned out to be the best thing they ever did. A year later, they were married.
Now, had I seen this story on Lifetime or the Hallmark channel... I probably would have yawned and flipped the station. But because I knew how cynical this man had become with dating and I know how hard it is in this city to connect with good people... I was really encouraged by their love story. He told me his story to encourage me to remember that every bad date, every bad relationship has a purpose. Unfortunately, he also told me that I won't realize why until I meet the one. But when I meet the one, there will be no denying that he is for me and I am for him. That story has stuck with me and encouraged me when I've felt like completely giving up.
To be very honest, I'm still struggling with how I see myself. Some days I feel pretty confident and consider myself really blessed and happy. But most days, there comes a moment when I wonder...."is this it?" and I'm wondering whether or not a life without romantic love is what I have to look forward to. Usually just as I get to a point of fatigue and start feeling like the pitiful cancer-girl, I'll talk to one of my male friends and they remind me that dating woes are not limited to breast cancer survivors named Nicole. They encourage me to keep trying and to stay open but even better... they remind me that I am not damaged goods and I don't have to keep treating myself that way.
These friends are so encouraging to me as I regularly make them laugh or infuriate them with my complaints and tears and giggles about how tired I am of trying to get this dating thing right. I love my male friends (and relatives) because not only do they constantly remind me that despite how I may feel on any given day, I'm still a good sister... but they remind me through their lives that there are good brothers out there. And that is encouraging.
The end of the year is swiftly arriving and I am again reminded that God's schedule is never on my time. I don't know if I'm getting this dating thing right or wrong. Or if there is even such a thing. But I do know that I will keep working on just being open to meeting the right guy. I believe that he's still out there. Somewhere.
