Our deepest fear... MY deepest fear

Marianne Williamson wrote an admonition that I've carried in my heart for years. Initially, it was credited to Nelson Mandela...and because I admire that man so much, I was disappointed that it was actually written by a woman I had never heard of. Until I made it my business to find out more about Marianne Williamson. Her writings are moving and thought-provoking and inspirational. Every so often, this quoted passage will appear in a movie or on a postcard and I am reminded that God has created me to be brilliant and gorgeous and talented and FABULOUS (and I do believe that includes my boobies). And He did the same for you.

My heart aches for my pink ribbon sisters and brothers who struggle with this wretched disease. And my heart rejoices with those who manage to soar despite circumstances that seem to dictate an opposing response.

Life is short. No matter the reason for the brevity... it is just that... brief. Rather than walk with my head bowed in shame or in fear because I wonder who am I to be so awesome and inspiring and wonderful.... I am lifting my head and allowing the sun to shine on my face because the answer is... who am I not to be any of those things (and more)? 

One of my deepest fears for a long time was that I would die from cancer, like my grandmother and my auntie did. So the diagnosis of breast cancer before 40 felt like a death sentence. I figured that my worst nightmare had come true and no matter what the doctors said... it was but a matter of time. But, each day as a breast cancer survivor shows me that there is still time for me to take care of business and follow my deepest dreams. I may still die because of this disease but right now that thought doesn't frighten me as much as it used to.

I am realizing that my grandmother's and my auntie's passing, just like my illness, allowed a transformation to take place that stripped away all of the foolishness and the fears and the self-imposed limitations... and replace all of it with what matters most... Love. If I allow myself to be stripped to the basic core of myself, I am here to be loved and to give love. I was given particular gifts and talents to get me to that end goal. So, now I ask... why be shy about what you were given in order to accomplish your purpose? 

Life... whether it is a one day or 100 years... is short when compared to the infinity of the universe. Why waste another moment feeling sorry about what's wrong or not quite right or not the same as another person's? My body is not the same. There is no going back. It is the way that it is because that is the choice I made based on the information I had at the time. And that is okay. It really is.

Today I am accepting that it is not shameful to be ambitious or to have drive. Being talented or smart isn't a trait that should be hidden. And neither should I cringe or cower because I am a woman who has been through a storm and has the battle scars to show for it. I have become more comfortable with my scars hanging out for the world to see. I no longer try to explain why I have a scar zipping around my breast or another scar on my chest from my port. I simply look at people in their eyes and smile my prettiest smile. I offer them a simple connection. It is up to them to accept it.

I have one natural breast and one reconstructed breast. I have lymphedema in one arm and I still fight against fits of inexplicable fatigue. I have constant aches and pains and I must massage my arm, my shoulder and my breast area every day... but at the end of the day I am comfortable in the notion that I am still beautiful and that I am still blessed. I accept that I have something to offer this world still... because who am I not to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Marianne Williamson wrote...

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear

is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness,
that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,

talented and fabulous?

Actually who are we not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people

won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine as children do.

We were born to make manifest

the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And when we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.

- Marianne Williamson

A Return to Love: Reflections on the

Principles of "A Course in Miracles"



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