*Update: This post was written in 2011. I can honestly say that time does heal and things can change. Love after cancer is possible.*
I have been really emotional this week. Thinking about a lot of things and a lot of people. I have talked to so many survivors who are dealing with recurrences of their cancer. It scares me to death. If I'm not careful this thing is going to kill me. How do you move beyond that? Ugh... its so much. And so much to handle alone.
Two years ago, the relationship I had when I was diagnosed with cancer ended. Two years ago, my heart broke (yet again) in a million pieces and I had to deal with the aftermath. In the time since that breakup, I have been angry, nonchalant, happy, sad, pissed-off and a million other shades of hurt over that man. Why is it difficult to accept that someone just doesn't want you? And even better... why do you want someone who doesn't want you? Why do you want them to want you? I don't think (for a moment) that he and I should be together again. I don't. But my ego needs him to still want me. To regret his decision to dump me. I need that. I know it's not right, nor cool to say that but I'm being honest. In my twisted mind... he should always want me. (smile)
I date. A lot. Dating is fun. Sometimes its cool as hell. But its really shallow. Dating someone you don't know is just getting to know a stranger. No investment, limited risk. For me, after a few dates (and with some folks a few phone calls)... I find reasons to get out of it. I start nitpicking the poor guy apart. He's too tall. He's not tall enough. He has a lisp. And on, and on. The excuses are just that... excuses. As soon as it starts to feel like we could move deeper... I freeze. And I think about the ex. I think about how he just disappeared on me in the middle of my chemotherapy. I think about how my godbrother, my best friends and even my family... kept questioning me about his disappearing act. I think about the excuses he made to not be with me during the holidays. How my mother was so disappointed. I was honestly too sick and too tired to notice until my inner circle started asking questions that forced me out of my shell. I was busy trying to make the people around me believe that I was doing okay with my cancer treatment that I didn't realize that my relationship was falling apart. I noticed he was slipping away... but I didn't want to address it because I was afraid that he really would leave if I did. And then, it was March. And I couldn't avoid it any longer... so I pressed him. And he dumped me. That shit hurt.
My heart was broken because I had breast cancer. My body was weak from the treatment. My spirit was fractured because I just didn't know if I had to strength to keep going... and then my boyfriend (who had been my rock for months) was gone. I can't even tell you how many tears I shed over that. Today, its been two years since we ended that relationship. I still blame cancer for the demise of that relationship. I could be mad at him (and on some levels I still am) but I'm mostly mad at this disease. See, before we were in a relationship, we were friends. Real friends. Now? We're not even that. And it hurts sometimes.
So... when I talk to my friends and discuss their recurrences of cancer I get scared. I'm alone this time. There is no one there in my very intimate space to tell me that it is going to be okay and to hold me. There is no one there to cry with me and share that fear. I feel crazy to try to pull someone into that space because it doesn't feel fair to them. I do believe that I am a beautiful person. Inside and out. I really do. Now, I know that I am a handful -- inside and out -- as well. But I go back to the question I had two years ago... "who will love the cancer girl?" and I still don't have any answers. I just know that its time to move on. Two years is a very long time to be so scared... a very, very long time. I've got to move on. Life is for the living.
