I often think about being married versus being single. Partially because it seems to be the hottest media topic around now (why black women are not getting married)… and partially because of the cancer. To tell the truth, marriage frightens me. I take the responsibility of marriage very seriously and it can be an overwhelming thought sometimes. I believe that marriage can be fun and an adventure, with the right partner. I think that if you select the right mate you can grow in ways you couldn’t imagine as a single person and your life (ultimately) could be made all the sweeter because you decided to join together with someone and create a new family unit. Those are the good things that I think about marriage. There are some downsides too. But I won’t go into that today.
I think about marriage lately because I think about my desire to have kids. I have a difficult time reconciling my desire to be a mother with choosing to undergo fertility treatments alone. I love kids but I don’t love the notion of raising them alone.
I really think about marriage on days like today. Yesterday one of my favorite cousins passed away. Charlene was a sparkling ray of sunshine all of her life. She was bubbly and upbeat and smart. So much fun to be around. She was a little older than me, so I remember looking up to her and her sister and brother to learn the latest dance moves or the hottest new music. They kept a nerdy little girl pretty hip and connected. Charlene never was the one to ask me why I had never married or had kids. If she wondered about it, she didn’t share that curiosity with me. She had her son at a later age so I’m guessing that she understood that being a single girl in DC was a lot of fun. And there was no reason to change that fun until I was ready to.
Charlene was light. You couldn’t help but enjoy yourself with her. She wouldn’t really allow anything else. (laughs) That was my cousin. Just a beautiful, beautiful woman. And now she’s gone.
On the same day that Charlene passed, one of my father’s aunts passed too. I have a few vague memories of Aunt Clara but I know her daughter well. Another nice cousin of mine.
On a day like today… when my heart is starting to really feel heavy with grief… the thought of marriage sounds nice. The thought of someone there to hold my hand sounds heavenly. My chest is still bandaged up from the surgery last week. Though I feel fine enough to come to work, I am acutely aware that my body is healing and needs to rest as much as I allow it. I’m split-brained right now… worrying a little about my healing progress from my surgery and beginning to grieve my cousin’s passing.
I think of selecting the right man to marry in thoughts of moments like this. On the list of the wonderful traits you’d like your future husband to have do you also have… will be there to hold my hand through times of trouble? It’s always near the top of my list.
Sigh. I’m not married. I don’t have a boyfriend either. But I do have good friends who would probably hold my hand this weekend. I’m going to need that sort of connectedness to someone I am sure thinks of me in a loving and wholesome way.