The Fabulous Boobies blog: 01/01/2010

giving my martini the side eye... why drinking and breast cancer don't mix

Excuse me. Have we met? My name is Nicole... and I truly enjoy a good alcoholic beverage.

I mean... FOR REAL. Like, I want to be a bartender in my next life... that's how much I enjoy alcohol. (laughs)

I keep trying to ignore everything I've read that links breast cancer to alcohol consumption. Its not working for me. Here's the issue: a study was released in December that shows an increase in breast cancer recurrence in women who consume more than 3 drinks per week. [alcohol-raises-risk-of-breast-cancer-recurrence]

** side eye **

I can drink three GOOD drinks in one evening... and still want more.

I can drink three GREAT DRINKS several times a week and not feel badly about it.

(sigh)

I like a good drink. It makes me happy. Puts a really good slick smile on my face. Sort of like this one:

You know... happy, giggly, carefree, bubbly. But now it seems that those three drinks might rush my death. Is that unfair or what? Sheesh.

Alcohol increases the amount of estrogen in your body. My cancer was estrogen driven. Adding alcohol to my body is defeating the purpose of the tamoxifen, and putting myself at a higher risk of having my cancer return. Sad, right? One of the great pleasures (for me) of being an adult, is indulging in adult activities... like having an adult beverage whenever I feel like it.

I am a social drinker. I rarely drink at home. It just doesn't have the same joy for me. But when I'm out with friends (or even alone) I definitely enjoy alcoholic beverages. I have to switch gears now and get adjusted to socializing with mocktails.

I'm trying not to be too down about the link between alcohol and breast cancer. I am trying to look at it in a different way. But I have to be honest, this will be one change that will definitely take some serious effort to overcome.

Cheers!

PS. I don't wanna hear nothing if you see me out with a drink in my hand. Nothing. (laughs)

might as well be elbows... these new breasts of mine

Someone posted this statement in a breast cancer forum I track. It made me laugh out loud although honestly, her post was more angst than humor. But the thought that her newly constructed breasts might as well be elbows just struck me as funny. She was discussing having her nipples done... and it made me laugh. Second time today, I've thought about the nipple reconstruction phase of this "re-build" after my mastectomy.

I suppose for those of you not so intimately involved with the whole mastectomy-reconstruction world... it may be a surprise to learn that nipples don't come with your new breast(s). (laughs) But... alas, they do not. Getting nipples is a wholly separate procedure and pretty detailed from what I understand. I keep giggling about it because my "barbie boob" has started to grow on me. No pun intended.

(you know how Barbie's boobs have no nipples, right? that's what I call my noobie -- new boobie)

I suppose it will seem even more "normal" when it looks less like a doll-part and more like a lady-part. But until then...

I'm starting to feel whole again. My sexy noobie is nothing like my other breast. But in its own way, its soooo very fabulous. I mean... dig it.. its all nice and perky. Reminds me of my young-tender days... when everything was all upright and perky 'round these parts. (laughs) My noobie is so fabulous that it really doesn't NEED a bra, though of course I do wear one. That other side...? whew lawd... we have to strap ol' girl down!

Its sort of nice you know. Feeling perky and young again. And even though I'm not balanced, I'm cool with that. Or rather, I'm better about it.

At the onset of this journey, I really had no idea that it would ultimately be years before I was done with everything and back to whole again. Each step of the way, I've thought "okay, now that's over... I can get back to living again". Only to be hit with another something that needs to be done or considered in the future. I will admit that its tiresome and sort of scary. But at the same time... it is what it is.

One thing I have learned from dealing with all of this is that LIFE KEEPS GOING until it stops. As much as I would like it to be different, there really isn't a pause button. So, no matter what you're going through, dealing with or expecting to come around that corner... life still goes on. Everyday that your eyes open... that's life that needs to be lived.

Don't laugh but this is a difficult concept for me to embrace somedays. I need a break sometimes. A break from having breast cancer. A break from being single. A break from not being a mommy. A break from all these doggone bills. Just a break. But the truth is that... no such thing exists. So, you have to switch up your perspective. Look for the funny, the giggle.... I mean... what if instead of a breast I did have a third elbow jutting out of my chest? (laughs) How crazy would that be?

...and yes, if I had a third elbow jutting out of my chest... I would learn to rock that joint like it was THE sexiest thing ever seen in this world. Yes, I would! I am "that" girl...

I have laughed a lot over the past few days. Silly things, like crazy videos on the internet and crazier blog posts from various bloggers... and each time I've been grateful for the ability to laugh and to cry with joy. I have been stressed a lot lately, worried about what might happen in different situations. But I finally just gave it back to God to handle and decided that no matter what happens, I am blessed in this moment just to be alive. So many of my brothers and sisters with cancer did not make it. While I'm here I feel it is my privilege to be happy about it.

So, even though my noobie isn't exactly what I expected, I love it. I love the fact that I have it. I love the fact that it replaced the breast that was trying to kill me. I love the fact that if I didn't tell you there was a situation under my bra -- you wouldn't know it. I love my noobie... and I'm glad that it isn't an elbow. (laughs)

Some of the places I've found giggles this week:

http://www.ohellnawl.com/

http://youknowyoudeadazzwrong.blogspot.com/

http://missjia.com/

http://www.averagebro.com/2010/01/laugh-break-corey-holcomb.html

If you have some favorite funny sites on the web, please leave a comment with the link. I tell you, laughter is good for the body and the spirit. Keep the giggles coming folks...

learning to live a little

I had a great time today... hanging with one of my besties and just talking. We talked about how we have become complacent in our lives and its time to break that bad habit and get back into the swing of things.

I confessed to her that I feel that I've lost my mojo, lost a bit of my swagger... though I'm on a mission to get it back. I am a reformed party girl. Yes, I admit it. I partied through my 20's and halfway through my 30's too. It was fun and I enjoyed just hanging out and meeting new people. The problem with being the party girl is that eventually you get old. And then you're not the hot girl... but the old chick at the spot. No matter how cute you are... partying isn't a lifetime career/hobby move. Its temporary and fleeting at best.

But its fun!! And I'm all about having fun. That is what makes dealing with breast cancer rather difficult. Breast cancer is really NOT fun. Not that you can't find shining moments, and happy giggles while you deal with your treatment and its aftermath. But that overall... it is just too mentally consuming to really allow you to relax and float away on life's giggles.

I am struggling with navigating this void after "active" treatment. It is known to be a period where many breast cancer survivors fall into depressive states and feel lost and confused. (hand raised...) I can totally relate to that feeling. Even though I knew this was coming, and I thought I was prepared for it... I am having a hard time dealing with the loss of being in the cancer center regularly, and seeing my medical team all the time.

But the honest truth is that its over. I am done with that part of my breast cancer journey and I have to find new comfort in my new life. I told my girl that I feel that I have sort of collapsed in on myself. I hide behind this computer screen -- mostly hidden away in my bedroom -- and pretend to reach out to the world and interact. The truth is that... its easy here. Its safe here. But... real talk... its also BOR-ING here. The old Nic was a lot of fun. She was a bit of a crack-pot, sometimes flighty as hell... but good for some giggles and whatnot.

This new chick? Man... she's a stick in the mud, for real. Nice girl, to be sure. But scary as h*ll. (laughs) With good reason, I know.

Bottom line, I'm digging deep... pushing myself hard... determined to get back to the sexy girl I know that I can be. So... my new goal is to get out of my comfort zone at least twice a month and do something fun and different.

I will keep you posted on how that all turns out. We're starting with... going out dancing on Friday night. Pray for me!!!

my faith is keeping me sane

I am a christian woman. My entire life is peppered with great memories of church, vacation bible school, choir, and praise. I am not active in church right now -- haven't been for a number of years -- but I do still love the Lord very much.

I share a lot of myself here but not all... but I wanted to share that my faith, my spirituality, my ability to pray and believe that God wants the best for me is truly a lifeline. God is good and although the economy is shaky and money is funny... I believe that God will see me through all of this.

I pray in spurts. I'm not the one to stop for a few hours and say all the right words that you hear at church. I am a conversationalist with my prayer. I simply talk out loud, or ask a question and wait. Sometimes I close my eyes, other times I don't. Sometimes I'm praying as I'm writing a blog entry. It all depends on how my spirit is feeling.

Not sure why I wanted to share this with you. I've read a lot about how cancer patients should really have a connection to a higher power in order to help them deal with what they are going through. And I've also read about a study that came out last year that said that folks with strong faith were more likely to have to go through intensive treatments. (USA Today, Cancer coping) While I'm sure that the studies were done correctly and all, I find it hard to believe that faith and prayer do anything but help you get through a diagnosis of cancer (or any difficult circumstance).

Without faith where would I be? If I don't believe that God has the best in mind for me, then I may as well quit now. Some days the burdens and worries get really heavy. Today is one of those days in fact. But I know that when I pray to God, He listens and He helps me to handle all that I've been given. Good and bad.

There is a book that I really want to read, Faith, Hope and Healing: Inspiring Lessons Learned from People Living with Cancer. Breast cancer has changed me, changed my life, and changed my family in wonderful ways. It is still scary but when things feel dark and I start to worry too much... a prayer always gives me the strength to take another step forward.

Why I keep on blogging

Lately, I've been wondering a few things about this blog. Where is it going? Will it always be a hobby? Should I consider really making and effort to find ways to earn income from this? Is anybody truly paying attention? And if so, who are they? Am I meeting their needs? Am I meeting my own? Do I still have a relevant voice now that I'm not in active treatment? And finally... if I stopped doing it, then what?

I don't have answers to all those questions. But I have been really thinking about why I continue to blog about breast cancer. I'm done with chemotherapy. I hope to never EVER have to have radiation therapy again. I've lost and regained my breast. And they tell me that there isn't any more cancer in my body. So... why do I keep blogging about breast cancer? Is it healthy for me to keep talking about it? And (very important to me) is this blog keeping me from connecting with cute and available men because they don't want to deal with the "cancer girl"?

why I continue to blog about breast cancer

Because this will always be a part of my life. I can try to stuff it away in the back corners of my mind and pretend it didn't happen. I can acknowledge it once a year for a race for a cure or something. But neither of those options are good for Nicole emotionally. I'm a different kind of girl. I have to express myself or things get all bottled up inside and I start to go a little haywire. Its not a good look, trust me.

I imagine as time goes on and I become farther and farther removed from this time, it may not loom as largely in my heart. But even then, I think I will still blog about and talk about my experience with breast cancer. Awhile back I blogged (/home-from-gala-and-i-miss-cleavage-) that I went to a cancer gala and one of the honorees (a breast cancer patient) said that she had been blessed to have cancer and that she had gained so much from having cancer. At the time, I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard anyone say. I have heard similar remarks from other breast cancer survivors and patients since then... and each time I thought that I must be crazy because I can't see cancer as any sort of a blessing.

But thinking about this blog, planning my future with it, realizing how many doors have opened for me and how many more will open for me... because of these words and this experience has led me to believe that in a very twisted way... breast cancer has been a blessing in my life too. Don't misunderstand me, this has been a horrible experience in so many ways. But there have been a lot of shining moments that would not have happened if Fred and Ted and Jim hadn't shown up on film. http://fabulous-boobies.blogspot.com/2008/08/so-theres-more-to-catch-up-on.html

Just when you start to feel strong... you slide backwards

In talking about myself so much through this blog, I've discovered that my ability to overlook and downplay what I'm really feeling and going through is pretty high. I am amazed at just how frequently I talk myself out of believing what I'm experiencing and feeling.

Example: I fell down maybe a month ago. Never went to the doctor, didn't think it was a big hit to my body. Decided to rest and take it easy and just let my body heal itself. Today, I find myself wondering why its taking me so long to get my "umph" back since the surgery. Now, I've talked myself out of going to the doctor, out of believing that the bruises were the indicators of anything serious, and simply have blamed myself for being clumsy and being a brat for even considering worrying about this. Of all things that I can worry about, this is pretty low. (That's what I have been telling myself) And yes, my friends have been encouraging me to go and get it checked out but I have not been able to do that yet.

How silly is that? I have more doctors than the average person should ever know and yet I am hesitating going to the doctor to be checked out?

Sigh. I bother myself with these silly shenanigans. I tell you, I can't believe how much of a baby I've been about all of this. Why Nicole? What are you worried about really?

And then I spent a little time on the breastcancer.org message boards and remembered -- by reading other women's messages about their experiences with breast cancer treatment -- that I've been through a lot. And no matter how much I try to believe, accept or convince myself that its behind me, that I'm back to normal... I've been through a lot. And the real truth that I've been unwilling to face is that I'm still scared.

Life is difficult and unpredictable. Having breast cancer only highlights that unpredictability. I believe that I'm dealing with an anxiety issue. Now that I know what it is, I can deal with it. But first, I have to actually walk out the door and back into my life.

All about Haiti right now

The devastation that the people of Haiti have experienced this week has broken my heart. To think that a natural disaster like an earthquake could cause more than 100,000 people to lose their lives and many, many more to be injured is difficult to comprehend.

One thing that is always on my mind is that life can change dramatically in an instant. A moment is all that it takes. A mere blink of an eye... and everything that you thought you knew about yourself, your ability, your life... just gone. Totally different. And in those life changing moments, you have an instant to decide whether to move forward or stand still. There's no turning back.

I keep thinking about the people in Haiti who live with critical and/or chronic illnesses -- like breast cancer patients and survivors -- and I wonder how they are doing. So much of the country is devastated and broken up. People are living in the street because the buildings are in shambles. It is so very sad.

What can we do? Contribute to reputable organizations who are coordinating relief efforts. Reach out to your friends, neighbors, co-workers who may have family in Haiti. They will need our support to get through this tragedy as well. I think a very important thing to do is to pray.

I am in prayer for my brothers and sisters in Haiti. Their needs are great and will be for quite some time.

Please pray with me and do whatever you feel led to do to assist.

Dating chronicles: Meeting men on the internet... who are these people?

**UPDATE 2014: When I wrote this in 2010, I was still coming to grips with losing my breast and being reconstructed. I was lopsided, my relationship had ended and I was really just an emotional mess. I didn't know what was next. So, I thought that if I pushed myself to date again, I would hit my stride and feel more normal again. In hindsight, I wasn't ready for dating. Not by a long shot. **

Internet dating... oh boy!

Okay, so you know I've been home recuperating from my reconstruction for a bit. The internet has been my way of exploring the world from the comfort of home. After a few (and I mean just a few) dates last year, I decided that I needed to be a bit more proactive about meeting guys. I needed a strategy and I needed to implement that plan. So, I decided to open my mind and revisit internet dating.

Um. Yeah. (confused face) Madness.

So, the cool thing about internet dating is that you can look at the pictures from the comfort of your home and decide quickly whether or not someone interests you. Its easy. And the instant gratification that comes when they respond to you is a good feeling. Unless the person who reaches out to you is a bit... well, different... from your normal interests.

Some of the men out there ... are not... quite... right... (for me anyway)

First example of... not quite right. Attractive guy, close to my age, in my metropolitan area... seems cool at first glance. I looked at his picture when it came up in the rotation -- didn't comment or anything but thought to myself that he wasn't hard on the eyes. He was rather cute actually. But for some reason, I had a feeling that he wouldn't be feeling me. This was shortly after my surgery and I was feeling a bit unpretty and very much like damaged goods. I thought it was a good sign when he tagged me to chat and wanted to get to know me.

After we got past the name introductions, he tells me... "I like women who have your look".

What does that mean?

I asked him if he meant that he liked women with short haircuts. He responded that no, that wasn't what he meant. He meant that I looked "open" and he liked women who were open.

Wait... what?

Again, not understanding what this dude is saying... I asked him what he meant by open. His response... "a woman who looks open to men and women".

Now... y'all know I am very straight. (and if you didn't know, now you do) I am very big on building relationships between women (friendships and business relationships) and I believe that quality friendships can enrich your life in multiple ways. But, I'm not naive... I didn't think that he meant he could see in my shining smile that I liked linking good people with good people. I just had never spoken to anyone who thought that I looked bisexual. It was a shocker to me.

I responded... "just to clarify, I'm very heterosexual and I'm cool with that" and he responded "great". He then procedes to tell me that women who are very open are cool with him because he's very open.

Ruh roh. (Scooby doo voice) Spidey senses are going off and I can practically see fireworks behind my eyelids... (sigh) Exactly what is this guy trying to tell me?

Me: "what do you mean by that?"
Him: well... I like to have bj's by white guys.
Me: blink blink - dead silence.
Me: silent
Me: silent
Me: okay... what exactly do you mean?
Him: I like to have white men service me with oral sex (okay, that's not exactly what he said but I'm trying to clean it up since this is the internet)
Me: (thinking... what in the holy h*ll have I stumbled into?)
Me: Oh really? Well, that's um, interesting.
Him: yeah, I think its pretty cool. I like it a lot.
Me: so... do you identify as gay or bisexual or what exactly?
Him: oh no. I'm straight. I'm here looking for a long-term relationship with a woman.
Me: blink blink - dead silence
Me: sigh. How's that?
Him: well, I don't have sex with men and I'm not attracted to them in any way but I like the power I feel when they want me and want to service me that way.

Okay... at this point, I'm wondering what I did in my past lives to have earned this sort of foolishness when I was earnestly trying to meet someone nice.

I mean... I'm a good person, I love the Lord, I pray and read my bible. I'm a little behind on my tithing but hey... overall, I'm a good girl. So, why is this freak-dude on my computer telling me this weirdness? What sort of twisted punishment is this? (shrug) Don't even know. However, since I'm so curious about people and what drives them... I was compelled to ask a whole lot of questions because I knew that I would never talk to this guy again in my life.

So I keep going. (Yeah, I know... but I'm really fascinated by people who are not like me at all)

Me: hmm... so why white guys? If its not a physical attraction, then what is it?
Him: I feel like its payback for racism.
Me: (thinking -- this dude is a moron for real) "Really now, that's interesting."
Him: so... does that bother you?
Me: (screaming inside... HELL YES!)
Me: um, no. I mean, its your life that you're living. If you're happy with the choice then great.
Him: cool... see, I knew you were open. (laughs)
Me: (thinking -- man, you have no idea how closed and uptight I really am)
Me: well, not really. I'm not that open-minded but I do accept that people have to do what makes them happy -- even if its not something I would do myself.
Him: would you have a problem with this if we were to date?
Me: (again, screaming on the inside) well, it would depend on the nature of our relationship. If we were platonic friends -- non-sexual friends -- nope. Your sex life is your business. But if we were to consider dating, then yes. Its a deal breaker for me. I couldn't comfortably date a man who was bisexual.
Him: I'm not bisexual. I just do this "thing" from time to time. Its payback.
Me: oh, my bad. I understand.

And I do (well sort of) understand. I understand that there are people who engage in same sex relations but who do not subscribe to the belief that they are gay or bisexual in any way. I don't really agree with the notion but then, I'm not into same sex love personally.

What surprised me -- beyond the admission of this weird prediliction for strange reverse racism sexual role play -- was that he told me this without coersion, immediately following the "my name is" portion of the conversation. I'm not sure why he felt so comfortable with sharing something so personal but I have to say it dinged my self-esteem in a major way. I was sick/sad/upset for a couple of weeks after this conversation.

How did this confession become about me?

I internalized that his decision to find a girlfriend who was open to his lifestyle choices meant that I was someone who came across as "easy" or sexually loose -- neither of which are true. And not at all what happened. Now that weeks have passed since this conversation, I realize just how crazy I was to even think that way.

Having breast cancer as a single girl is damaging to the self-esteem. I cannot over state that. However, this guy's personal sexual choices are not a reflection on me nor are they a statement that I'm damaged goods only worthy of someone I'm so very incompatible with.

You would be surprised at just how long it took me to come to that level of understanding. In hindsight, the story was funny. I did ask him whether he had met a lot of women who were comfortable with his non-mainstream interests. He wouldn't answer. He did say that it was probably more than I would expect.

Wow. Who knew?

I didn't immediately quit the dating site. I thought that he had to be an anomaly and I figured that there had to be better out there. Of course, you know my luck isn't that great so... I left after a couple of weeks because the responses I was getting weren't really of the quality I was seeking and the site wasn't free. I didn't see the point of paying to meet losers. So I bounced.

Let me add... I never even took the time to explain to him that I was a breast cancer survivor. I hesitated in the beginning because I thought it was a liability and he would run screaming away. And then, well, the craziness started and I didn't see the point in sharing my stuff when his was so much more interesting.

Anybody else out there experiencing interesting connections on-line?

Lopsided boobies -- the stuff nobody wants to discuss

The discussion about bra colors (what color bra are you wearing?) caused me to really look at a sensitive issue that I wasn't comfortable dealing with directly. But... I'm gonna do it anyway because somebody has to bring it up and make it plain. Lopsided boobies are the stuff that nobody wants to discuss.

My boobies are lopsided.

Yes. I'm serious. My precious girls are lopsided. And sometimes it makes me giggle. But most of the time I am slightly angry/annoyed/frustrated about it. I mean, seriously... why isn't this part of normal conversation? Does anyone understand what this feels like?

Currently, I am still recuperating from my breast reconstruction surgery -- my body still aches, walking is still difficult, standing is hard and I am sooo frustrated. I am determined to heal completely and to move forward. The next step is to have my natural breast (the one unaffected by breast cancer) to be reduced so that it matches the newly constructed breast that replaced the one that cancer stole from me. But the bottom line is that I want my life back. So all this slow, awkward inching towards healing crap just has to go. I need my sexy back... not now, but RIGHT NOW.

Hard to feel sexy and lopsided at the same time

I am a single woman now (thanks to a boyfriend who decided that this was too much to deal with). And I would like to find a new boyfriend (or boy toy... you know, whatever is clever) to hang out with, spend time with and maybe fall in love again. Also important thought... is the fact that I'd like to re-engage in ... um, "sexual relations" too. I miss it. Like a fat kid misses cake.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to give an air of confidence and security to new people (new men especially) when the parts of you that most men are attracted to initially are not even remotely close to symmetrical? I'm talking the difference between an orange and a cantaloupe. Let me take you back to the 10 months after my mastectomy but before my reconstruction.

Ten months! That is almost an entire year. People want you to pretend that all is well now that the cancer is gone... but you're walking around with the equivalent of a medical shoulder pad on your chest pretending to be a breast. Do you even begin to understand how hard it was for me to move around in the world, sore and weak and tired from chemotherapy and a mastectomy... with just one breast? Breast prostheses don't even com as large as my natural breasts. I can't even tell you how much time I spent in my bedroom trying to stuff my bras just right so that my chest looked sort of balanced.

None of this is easy.

I feel disfigured. I feel ugly. I hurt physically and emotionally at the notion that I had to allow people to disfigure my beautiful body just to save my life. And on top of that... I am in my sexual prime... and I have no man, no boyfriend and no ability to even muster up the courage to meet someone new and attempt to connect again. Sex? What is that? When will I ever feel sexy again?

Sex makes me happy and I'm not getting any.

Yet another thing that breast cancer treatment has taken from me (insert sad face here).

Back to the point. In all of the discussions that I've had over the past 16 months about losing this, and regaining that, the doctors didn't really mention how to deal with the in-between time between surgeries/procedures. I knew that when I chose not to have my second breast removed when I had my mastectomy that it would mean that I would look different for awhile. But it never occurred to me just how different and how long I would be in this state of limbo.

Each surgery requires many weeks (nearly 2 months) of recuperation time. Time where you are basically just sitting still waiting for healing to take place. That's fine because healing fully is the goal... but how do I adjust to how I look? How do I get comfortable with how I feel?

I don't like being lopsided.

I guess it sounds temperamental and perhaps bratty to complain about being lopsided considering the cancer that nearly took my life. But guess what? I'm vain. Sorry to offend anyone but really... I'm vain. Even when I was a kid that other kids called ugly... I really thought I was cute. And when I grew out of that ugly-duckling stage (wasn't nothing wrong with their eyes, I did look a little crazy sometimes)... I really thought I was cute. Then I was sexy. And finally, I was moving into sultry. Okay... maybe only in my head but cute stops being applicable when you're 40 or so.

Bottom line is that my appearance mattered to me. I like looking good. Dammit. Don't you?

So... I'm sitting here lopsided and angry because before breast cancer and mastectomies, feeling sexy was hard. Finding beautiful and sexy lingerie that worked for me was difficult. I was a hard size to find and now that I'm only partially that difficult size I have to wonder why didn't anybody tell me how awkward all of this would feel?

[Plain talk: One breast is a D cup. The other breast is an H cup. So when I say that I feel crazy and lopsided... I mean that I am feeling very crazy and I'm super-lopsided.]

My mother -- bless her heart -- did try to convince me to remove both of my breasts. She felt that being proactive and removing any possibility of breast cancer coming back was the best move. I thought it was crazy since there was nothing wrong with my other breast. I am a young woman who has never had a baby. I still use my breasts sexually and I still miss the woman I was before all of "this" started. I just needed to keep a part of myself intact and whole and the way it was before cancer. I think that was a good decision. However, there are parts to these changes that I really had not considered.

Girl in silver bikini top with lopsided breasts

The way that my reconstructed breast feels is odd. I am guessing that it will take some time before it feels totally like me... assuming that it ever does. I feel like someone just put this thing on my body but it doesn't completely feel like "me" yet. But the hardest part is... breast cancer or not, I'm still a girl. I still want to look sexy, in and out of my clothes. I still want to know that the man I'm with can look at me and be excited at the sight of my body. Right now, that's not what I'm feeling when I look down. And it is bothering me.

I'm just so frustrated. I don't feel like myself...

Most women are uneven. We're not built perfectly symmetrical. Usually the difference is so negligible that women don't notice at all. But there are women who naturally have significant differences in their breast sizes. I can only assume that their sexual partners either don't care or don't notice and for them, life just goes on. I'm clear that I'm not dealing with something that a lot of women don't deal with every day. But that breast cancer twist on it that makes it all just that much more ... ugh.

It is all just taking so long. I want my life back.

I was supposed to be healed and back to my life by now. I was on my way... until I fell just before Christmas. That fall seems to have caused more problems than I wanted to admit. The delay in my healing has made me (once again) revisit having more surgery to make myself look normal again. Normal isn't the right word... but you know what I mean. I always thought that those women who went through multiple plastic surgery procedures had issues. Mental problems where they couldn't see their body in the right way -- body dysmorphia. I always felt a little sad for them. So, now that I am considering more surgery (and struggling with the notion) I am wondering where I fall on the spectrum of body dysmorphia.

Here's the real deal. I want to go to the beach this summer (as usual) and I had hoped to be able to sport a sexy bathing suit and play with some cute boys (okay... one cute one in particular, but you know... I'm single, I like to look around). While I know that my attractiveness, my sexiness is between my ears and not on my chest... I also know that a woman's body is a true thing of beauty. And I want that beauty back too.

More surgery, more recuperation, more pain OR using prosthetics and other "tricks" for the rest of my life?

Geez... what choices.

Breast reconstruction after mastectomy

What To Do Instead of Telling Social Media What Color Bra You're Wearing

What Color Bra Are You Wearing? Does It Really Matter?

For the past few days, I've received quite a few requests to update my facebook status with the color of my bra. This was supposed to have two goals; to confuse the men of facebook (they weren't invited to participate) and to promote breast cancer awareness.

My reaction to the game? Eh... it's useless and not helpful

Well, no offense to anyone who sent it to me but it seemed really childish. Like... fresh out of someone's junior high school (okay, middle school--I'm old, forgive me) conversation. My second reaction was that I didn't feel comfortable telling that much of my business to the facebook world. My third reaction was the most lasting -- I couldn't figure out how this change would promote breast cancer awareness.

But as a sister who is on a mission to reduce the shame surrounding breast cancer, and to (even better) encourage all women to take charge of their "sexy" and take charge of their breast health, I had to really think about how I felt about this movement. And it was indeed a movement. My Fabulous Boobies is all for women staking their claim on their life; including their sexuality. A healthy body is a sexy body. And healthy boobs (even if there's only one, or if there aren't any) are truly sexy and absolutely fabulous.

I've been reading quite a few articles and blog posts about the Facebook effort and I wasn't the only breast cancer survivor who felt oddly on the outside of this particular effort to raise awareness. Some survivors were brought right back to a place of hurt and pain because it was yet another reminder that their bodies were different. Some were angered. I'm sure that many were like me, confused about the point of it all. Which is quite sad actually. But I think that for once, this movement wasn't really about us as much as it was about "them". Them being the millions and millions of women who don't take the time to pay attention to their breasts. They... needed awareness. We (unfortunately) are on a different level of understanding about what breast cancer can do to our bodies.

What You Can Do Instead

After thinking about it for some time I've decided that I'm not offended and in fact, I'm grateful for the attention and pleased that it isn't just about being pink. I love that "we" have a color that easily identifies our cause, however, I like the focus on the actual breasts even more. After all, they are the point of the entire conversation.

These types of viral games are not likely to go away any time soon. So rather than be a complainer, I think it's best to come up with easy actions that can flip this entire situation into something that really helps women. Because, let me be honest... telling your Facebook friends that you have on a lavender lacy bra does NOTHING to help breast cancer awareness, survivors or research for a cure. But... it can be a trigger to remind you to take care of yourself. And that is also very important.

Post-mastectomy bra. Try to stay away
from underwire. Look for soft and comfortable.
Click image to learn more.

The beauty of a viral movement like "put your bra color as your facebook status" is that it's simple to do, it doesn't discriminate about size or shape of breasts and it can be as racy or as sedate as the participant is comfortable with. It's a little bit naughty but not too much. It causes guys to use their imagination and women to refocus on their own sexiness for a moment.

Step 1: Refocus your attention on your own sexiness

I read about the reactions of some women who were slightly embarrassed when they looked down to confirm what they were actually wearing. Hmm....? Dilemma. Do I really tell the world that I have on this dingy apparatus, or tweak imaginations and say that I'm sporting a racy, lacy black demi-cup bra? Depends on who you are and who your friends are -- and what your privacy settings are set to. (laughs)

Read my review of American Sports Bra: American Sports Bra Review: A great sports bra, a phenomenal post-surgery bra

As crazy as it seems... dressing sexy on purpose (all the way down to your undergarments) is something that a lot of women don't do. We're not always conscious about the parts of ourselves that may not actually receive a lot of attention. Or, we're so caught up in not feeling that we look good enough, we end up dressing poorly so that more attention isn't brought to those areas we're uncomfortable with. So, a movement that forces us to look down and then wonder... isn't bad. It's pretty good if it does, in fact, cause women to think about the choice they made when they got dressed. It's made better because it is about a cause that is stripping the world of a lot of talented people every year. I'm willing to bet money (well, maybe cupcakes since I'm not much of a gambler) that next week, a whole lot of women will dress more consciously and pull out their more sexy and appealing undergarments. (laughs)

Step 2: Remember that you are in control of your own feelings about your body and your sexiness

All it takes is a little attention to remind you that you are in control of certain things. Wearing a pretty bra may seem like a little thing in the grand scheme of all you're responsible for in a day... but when you feel good on the inside, it shows on the outside. So you can rock your prettiest lace bra and still go out with a conservative outfit on. Only your partner will know your secret. But lots of other people will begin to wonder what's different about you.

Look, my body is not the same as it was. It never will be again. I know that -- even if I don't like it. But what made me sexy before cancer was the way I thought about myself and the way that those thoughts carried over to the way that I presented myself. So, if I can work on being sexy with my changed boobies and changed body... then any woman can connect with her inner vixen and feel sexy every day too. All it takes is a little conscious effort.

Step 3: Give yourself regular breast self-exams

And while you're feeling sexy... squeeze 'em up. Feel on those boobies. They are fabulous don't ya know?

The first link below is to the Washington Post article about this phenomenon. The second link is to a lingerie store that I highly recommend to all women who wear bras. A well-fitted bra will change your life. I promise you. (laughs) Most women do not wear the right size bra and the poor fit affects the way that you look in your clothes.

Breast cancer awareness goes viral on Facebook . . . with bra color updates

Link to Intimacy - bra fit stylists

Take a moment to pin this picture (or the one
at the top of the article) to your pinterest
board. It is really important. Thanks!

PS. Remind me one day to tell you the story about my first trip to Intimacy. It was eye-popping and bumped my sexy swagger up significantly. But that's a story for another day...

This blog post may contain affiliate links for items to purchase. Using these lnks will result in a commission for the blog. Using these links will not increase any price you pay. I'll be grateful if you click the links though... the money earned helps to keep this blog up and running. Thanks!

Notable African-Americans Who Fought Breast Cancer Pt. 3

Part 3 of our series about notable black people that have fought breast cancer

Ernie Green, retired fullback for the Cleveland Browns, business manufacturer.

Diagnosed with breast cancer in 2005.

He may not have been a Cleveland Browns superstar...

Shirley Horn, jazz singer and pianist. Passed away from breast cancer in 2005.

Here's To Life: Shirley Horn with Strings

Danitra Vance, actress. Known for work on Saturday Night Live.
Passed away from breast cancer in 1994.

http://www.biography.com/people/danitra-vance-20801683

Angelena Rice, music teacher, science teacher and mother of Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. Diagnosed with breast cancer in 1969. Passed away in 1985.

Extraordinary, Ordinary People: A Memoir of Family

Margaret Walker, poet and writer.
Known for the poem For My People. Passed away from breast cancer in 1998.

Song of My Life: A Biography of Margaret Walker

June Jordan, teacher, novelist, poet and journalist.
Passed away from breast cancer in 2002.

Life as Activism: June Jordan's Writings from the Progressive

Patricia Roberts Harris, first African-American woman ambassador,
former Secretary of House and Urban Development, and Health, Education and Welfare.
Ran for mayor of Washington, DC. Passed away from breast cancer in 1985.

Part 1: Notable African-Americans who fought breast cancer, pt. 1

Part 2: Notable African-Americans who fought breast cancer, pt. 2

Do you know what's lurking in your cosmetics?

I'm not a girly-girl. I'm not all that frilly and prissy. A little bit... to be sure. I am definitely a woman who enjoys her femininity. But I'm not too fussy about it. Like many women, I like to look nice and to smell nice. It makes me happy. It makes me feel attractive. And it connects me to my sexier nature. I'll be honest, I'm not usually feeling too pretty when I'm bumming around in sweats and a t-shirt with no make-up and no smell-good on. I may be confident but I'm not feeling my absolute best. (and sadly... I've been spending far too much time bumming around)

Read: Cosmetics and Fragranced Products Pose High Risks for Breast Cancer and Other Illnesses

But, at the end of the day, my confidence shoots up when I have my face made up well, my skin is well-moisturized and smelling sweet and tasty. Sexy looks good on me...

Since my diagnosis, I have been wondering about the additives that are in lotion, nail polish and make-up. During chemotherapy, my oncologist advised me not to use certain things on my body like hair dye and nail polish. My oncologist and my radiation oncologist suggested certain lotions that I could use to help with my skin changes and that wouldn't irritate my post-chemotherapy sensitive skin.

Read: Exposure to Chemicals in Cosmetics

Cosmetics is a huge industry in this country. Women and men spend billions of dollars every year in order to look better, feel better, smell better... and for the most part, we don't give a second thought to what's in our products. I think on the one hand, we're sort of ignorant about what is actually going into our products. But also, we rely on our government, the FDA (Food and Drug Administration) specifically, to protect us from harmful additives.

If you'll review the chart below, you will see a lot of words that are probably in the items in your bathroom. I don't know why companies are allowed to continue to use these items -- I'm guessing because they extend the shelf-life of the products which is a plus to the profit line. Check it out for yourself... and then consider using items that don't include these ingredients.

PS... I had to shake my head. Musk? C'mon son! How's a girl supposed to get her sexy, sultry on and musk is linked to cancer? Sheesh!

Notable African-Americans Who Battled Breast Cancer, Pt. 2

These notable black women also fought breast cancer in their lifetimes

As we continue listing notable African-Americans who fought breast cancer, we add to the list... the first black woman to win an Academy Award, the first black woman with a television show in primetime (that was not a stereotypical role of maid or servant), the first black supermodel and several very notable writers and playwrights.

*Disclaimer: This article contains affiliate links. You can click the link to purchase the books, music, etc. created by (or featuring) these outstanding survivors.*