During that chemo session, I was receiving a new medication and the nurse warned me that if I felt different in any way to let her know. Well, of course, I didn't do that. (laughs) But in my defense, what I thought was "different" was totally different from what the nurses expected.
Last night felt just like that. One moment, just fine. Next moment... shaking, shivering, sweating...scared. When the chills didn't pass immediately, and when the fever didn't go away... I started thinking about what could have been wrong. Was I having an adverse reaction to something? Possibly. But since I hadn't ingested anything in hours, I had no idea what it could have been. Maybe food poisoning? Perhaps... except I had not eaten a thing all day. And on, and on, and on. I questioned everything I did. Everything I ate. Everything I drank. And I could not think of anything that would cause my body to flip out on me so suddenly.
So... then I started wondering if maybe I had caught a bug or a virus. Again, its possible... but not likely. I haven't been around too many people for about a week or so now. I remembered that when I was in treatment, if my temperature ever got higher than 100/101, I was supposed to go immediately to the nearest hospital and check in. I knew it was because my immune system was weak and an infection would slow down the progress of my treatment. However, I'm out of treatment and I realized that I didn't know whether the same rules applied.
My immune system is stronger. I am stronger. But of course, I am a survivor too. So, how does that work? To say that I was freaked out would be a major understatement. I was in tears because I was so frightened. I didn't want to be sick again. I didn't want to go to the hospital. I worried that maybe this was a sign that the cancer was coming back...
I was loony for a few hours. I really was. After an hour or so, I got my head together and started to work on ways to break my fever without taking anything. And after several hours, it broke. By mid-morning today, I was back to normal. The entire episode lasted about 15 hours. But it felt longer...
But honestly, I'm not really back to normal. And that is the problem with this whole situation. Yes, a fever is a little thing for an adult. Most adults keep functioning through fevers and even chills... life goes on, work must get done, etc. But I didn't feel that way. I was terrified. I felt awful and I was scared.
I felt like a looney-bird being so upset over a fever. I mean, really now. A fever puts that much fear into a grown woman's heart? For me... yes. It really did. I am wondering will I always have this sort of reaction to being sick. A couple of months ago I had a cold and it took a long time to run its course. So, after I had been coughing for a week or so... everyone close to me started looking at me strangely. "You need to call your oncologist", "that doesn't sound good... want me to take you to the hospital?" and so on. I thought they were being ridiculous. It was just a cold. But my own reaction to last night's mystery illness reminded me that not so long ago I was a very sick girl. And even though I'm better... the reminders of that time will be with me for awhile.
So, now my question is... will it be this way forever? And what can I do to prevent this in the future?
