I hate dating. I really hate dating post-breast cancer. There are a lot of really nice, very attractive men in the world. Really nice. Very attractive. And a lot of them are single. And out of that number... there have been plenty who have looked at your favorite breast cancer blogger and thought wow... she's pretty doggone hot! Okay... so maybe that wasn't what they were thinking... but that's what I think they were thinking. Because for a breast cancer chick... I'm one sexy babe.
Really. So, what's the problem you ask? The problem is that I am sick of dating. I'm sick of the getting to know you phase of life. I'm absolutely mortified of showing my new body, my new breasts to someone new... and I'm really tired of second-guessing whether or not I'm a good catch in a bad town... or a bad catch and should just let it go. The emotional baggage that circles my heart because I feel like I'm damaged goods... makes it difficult to get to know someone. And it makes me take everything that someone says to me... and analyze it to death.
What's sadder is that I am a really fun girl. I know this. I cultivated this personality over years and years of trying to get beyond my shy high school girl persona. I am a lot of fun, dammit. But I am more than that too. Its sort of a twisted problem. How can you be mad that people like spending time with you because you're fun? The same way you can miss your old saggy boobies that you had to replace with perky new ones because you had breast cancer. Its not logical but it is real.
To sum up why I'm hating dating right now -- its the same song that I've been singing for awhile now. It is difficult for me to find nice guys that I get along with, who make me smile and make me think... and who make different parts of my body tingle with just a word or a smile. Those guys are rare. But they are out there. And when I find one who does all that and then some... AND he thinks I'm cool and great and fabulous... I tend to want to spend time with that guy and get to know him well. And just maybe... maybe... go deeper than the shallow getting to know you stuff.
But when he tells you that he likes you... but not that much, you wince a little bit. Or when he says that you live too far away, or he doesn't like you enough to dig deeper... well, it stings. And then when you start to wonder what part breast cancer may or may not have played in this whole scene... it becomes a strange and sad feeling.
To be fair, I'm no saint and I'm far from innocent. Seriously. I've broken my fair share of hearts in this lifetime. Not by choice or design... but simply because it was bad timing or I didn't like someone as much as I felt they deserved. So... I get it. I really do. Everybody isn't for every one at every moment. Yes. I know that.
But it still stings when you like someone... and he doesn't like you back. Every time.
PS. For the record, I think he thinks I'm mad at him for being honest with me. I am not mad nor angry. Just disappointed. And mostly disappointed with myself because I should have been prepared for this sting... and yet, it caught me completely off guard.
That's the risk you have to take when you like someone... and when you're looking and hoping to find someone to love. No risk, no reward.
