I received an email with this title: Celebrating the return of dreams. And it struck a note with me that sort of summed up how I’ve been feeling the past few days. The email was from the YSC (Young Survival Coalition: http://www.youngsurvival.org/) and it was about their upcoming bicycle ride fundraiser. Just for the record, I’m NOT going to ride 220 miles in the Tour de Pink. LOL… not gonna happen.
But I liked the spirit of the story that opened the email and it made me pause and think. The author of the story was a young woman when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was married and had small kids but still the news of having breast cancer hit her hard and she was really shaken. She mentioned how she lived day by day during the time of her treatment. She never really looked to the future too far because it was difficult enough to get from one day to the next. I really identified with that feeling.
I started looking for cars a few weeks ago because it’s time for me to have a car now. Travelling by public transportation is simply too limiting, too time consuming and becoming too inconvenient and too expensive for me to continue. I am fortunate that I can afford to buy a car. The other day, I also accepted that I was allowing myself to feel strangled by my medical bills. The stack of paper in my room is simply outrageous. Bills, bills, bills… everywhere. I gathered them all up and looked at my savings and said… enough! I withdrew a hefty chunk of change from my savings – it hurt my heart to do it – but I realized that unless I got that monkey off my back, I was going to continue to feel bogged down and stifled.
Getting through the process of writing down all the bills that I owed and making the money available so that they could be paid was difficult. I wanted to cry on Friday night when I got home because I was so angry. But I had made an innocent comment a few days before and it was continuing to resonate with me. “I need little luxuries in life to keep my wheels balanced.”
Once I did the hard part and I knew when the money would be available, I could breathe a little easier. I realized that I was extremely blessed to be able to access enough money to wipe out those bills. And even though they are bills that I never expected, they were mine and they were for a good reason. My life. I’m worth a few thousand dollars. I really am. Writing those checks the other day, freed me in a major way.
I went car shopping on Monday (window shopping) and found the car that I want. It is NOT one of the cars I had on my list. It is a car that I’ve wanted for a long time, I just didn’t think I could afford it. In fact, two years ago when I was diagnosed, I didn’t think I would ever be in a position to get it. I looked at it, looked at the sticker price, I sat in it… and then I resolved that I could afford it and that I would get it. Not that day, but soon enough. I have a few things to do first but then, with lots of good luck, good fortune and blessings on my side, I will have my dream car.
Since the day I went car shopping… I realized that a lot of dreams have popped back into my head. Like renovating my bedroom. Writing a book proposal and submitting it to a few agents. Finally purchasing my first full length fur coat. And so forth. They are things that probably won’t matter or make sense to anyone besides me, but I am looking forward to hitting each and every one very soon.
When I read the headline of the YSC article, it clicked. I am finally in a space where I too am celebrating the return of my dreams. When I decided that I wanted to buy the Mercedes Benz instead of the cheaper Pontiac or even a little hooptie car, I realized that I was giving myself permission to stop living on hold. To stop holding my breath waiting for the next “cancer” issue to fall out of the sky. I am moving from survival mode… to simply SURVIVOR.
