*Update May 2015: When I originally wrote this post in 2010, I was nearing the end of my active treatment. I was mentally exhausted and physically not as strong as I was prior to breast cancer. I was transitioning back to "normal" life after treatment but it was far more challenging than I'd imagined.*
It is just one thing after another...I can't catch a break
First bad break: A stomach virus that kept me out of work for a week
This has been a hard week for me. I overdid my fun last weekend and set myself up for a bacterial infection that kept me out of work all week. Five days of fighting a stomach virus is NOT FUN. A week of eating like a bird is not fun. But, I feel like I contributed to my own dilemma by not keeping in mind that I cannot do now what I may have been able to do 20 years ago. I just can't hang like I used to. It's okay. I'm older now. I will make adjustments.
I've been making adjustments to my life since my diagnosis. I guess I thought that moving out of treatment and back into "new normal" would be a bit easier. *sigh* Nothing is quite the same though. I'm still adjusting to being back at work. I feel so guilty about being sick and out on disability for so long. Everything seems foreign and overwhelming. But... I need this job so I have to figure out how to make this work.
Second bad break: Realizing that wanting to date is not the same as actually putting yourself out there and going on dates
I am an emotional BABY. There is a guy in my life that I like. But I am having a difficult time finding my equilibrium with liking him. I don't know what to do now. How I would have acted before feels foreign and frightening now. Ahhh... who am I? How do I do this? The last relationship I was in... he abandoned me while I was in chemotherapy. And we broke up after my mastectomy. I have no idea how to date in this new body, new normal situation.
As much as I like to believe that I want to be in a relationship and that I would like to be married one day.... I really don't know whether that is possible at all. I am distrustful. I am scared. I am hesitant. I am unsure of what I believe from moment to moment. Its like I can't trust myself to acknowledge what I see and accept it for what it is. Literally, my mind is racing back and forth between thoughts when I even considerd dating. I'm absolutely terrified of being rejected. I feel ugly. I feel broken. I'm so exhausted. And yet, I know that I can't get married if I never go on a date. If I never have enough courage to even tell a man that I'm interested... I'll never move forward.
Why is this so hard?
Sigh. I know I'm a work in progress when it comes to relationships, affection, love, etc. I've known that about myself for a long time. My heart and my head simply don't speak the same language. Makes it difficult to trust my own choices. If I stay and move forward... have I chosen a good person? Will he be in it for the long haul? Can I make him happy and bring something good to his life? Can he do the same for me? On the other hand... If I leave and cut my losses... did I miss out on a great person? Is this fear talking or am I being logical? Did I miss the context clues that showed me that he was not the one? One part of me says one thing, another part says something totally different. This is confusing.
Sigh. I know I'm a work in progress when it comes to relationships, affection, love, etc. I've known that about myself for a long time. My heart and my head simply don't speak the same language. Makes it difficult to trust my own choices. If I stay and move forward... have I chosen a good person? Will he be in it for the long haul? Can I make him happy and bring something good to his life? Can he do the same for me? On the other hand... If I leave and cut my losses... did I miss out on a great person? Is this fear talking or am I being logical? Did I miss the context clues that showed me that he was not the one? One part of me says one thing, another part says something totally different. This is confusing.
Third bad break: Another big bill just hit my life... my savings account is dwindling fast. Why is this all so expensive?
Every time I have to go through another procedure, appointment, etc. relating to this stupid breast cancer, I end up farther and farther behind the economic eight-ball. I'm tired of being broke! I make a pretty average salary. In the area where I live, its better than some but far from what many of my friends and peers earn. I try to live within my own means and not act as flossy as I may feel. I know that I don't make six or seven figures and I act accordingly. But breast cancer doesn't allow me to live a modest life either. And that sucks.
If I was experiencing difficulties because I bought 10 pairs of shoes too many, I would be okay. Well, not okay but I'd understand the steps that I needed to take in order to get myself back together. Stop buying frivilous shoes. Problem solved. Over-spending on shoes, jewelry, handbags, books, watches, random weekend trips, fancy meals... I've done all of that. And when I realized that I was living beyond my salary, I cut back. It took some time but I eventually accepted that more income is better than more spending. I learned to bargain shop. And I learned how not to spend out of boredom or emotional struggles.
But when the bills come because you're doing what you need to do to get your life back after breast cancer... it feels very unfair and it seems overwhelmingly difficult to get a handle on. How do you bargain shop when you need a surgical procedure? Or physical therapy? Or medications? I know that a lot of people end up in bankruptcy court because of medical costs. I am trying not to be one of those people. But it gets more and more difficult every month because the costs continually add up. The bills continue to keep coming. I am growing more and more tired and frustrated about it. Every choice about my healthcare becomes this crazy mathematical equation where I try to figure out the cost/worth of my time, my health, my job, my finances and ultimately my happiness and my joy.
I want to enjoy what life I have left. I don't know whether that will be 5 years or 50... but I want to enjoy it. All of it. I don't like to whine about my life because I know that to many people, even with the breast cancer experience, being single, never married and childless seems like a dream. Time to think whenever I want. Time to do whatever I choose. Money to spend however I see fit. No one screaming my name, needing me to take them here or there or just generally expecting me to show up in their life and make it all better. (shrug) I know that many people envy my freedom. And for the most part, I understand. I don't always agree with their perspective but I do understand where it comes from.
I just want to be happy. I have no idea how to do that anymore.
I want to enjoy what life I have left. I don't know whether that will be 5 years or 50... but I want to enjoy it. All of it. I don't like to whine about my life because I know that to many people, even with the breast cancer experience, being single, never married and childless seems like a dream. Time to think whenever I want. Time to do whatever I choose. Money to spend however I see fit. No one screaming my name, needing me to take them here or there or just generally expecting me to show up in their life and make it all better. (shrug) I know that many people envy my freedom. And for the most part, I understand. I don't always agree with their perspective but I do understand where it comes from.
I too have my moments of envy. I envy mothers and their children. I envy happily married couples. I envy people who earn far more money than I do. I envy people who have never had to deal with cancer in their bodies. But, for all of that envy and wistful thinking... I know that each person's life story presents its own challenges and difficulties. I look at those friends and family members who are in love (either with their spouse or their children or both) and I sigh. I envision myself as wife and mother... and in my version of the movie, its wonderful all the time. Now we both know that it is not possible to be happy and wonderful all the time. But... that's my dream.
Today, another bill came that I wasn't prepared for. As a result, I am another $4,000 in debt. Which means that something I wanted to do will have to be pushed to the back burner for some other time. I would cry but I'm just getting used to my dreams being pushed aside. Perhaps one day, I'll figure out a way to get beyond this debt and back on track to saving for my dream trip to South Africa and my first house. Maybe.
More debt. Another dream dies...
Today, another bill came that I wasn't prepared for. As a result, I am another $4,000 in debt. Which means that something I wanted to do will have to be pushed to the back burner for some other time. I would cry but I'm just getting used to my dreams being pushed aside. Perhaps one day, I'll figure out a way to get beyond this debt and back on track to saving for my dream trip to South Africa and my first house. Maybe.
My oncologist saved my life but I'm wondering whether this new life will ever be mine again.
