I am fine. My oncologist seemed pleased that I handled all of the treatments, all of the surgeries seemingly with ease. In hindsight, while there were some bumps along the way -- a little neutropena, delays in healing, and so forth -- things went pretty much as planned. Hard to believe that a year ago, I was finishing up my radiation therapy. With wet blisters, peeling skin and darkened skin from the radiation... I was a puffy, emotional, exhausted mess.
Now, a year later... I am planning another trip to celebrate my birthday and I am travelling around the metropolitan area -- and soon possibly the country -- talking about my experience with breast cancer and encouraging women and men to stop thinking of breasts as an afterthought.
During my oncology visit, my discussion with the current resident fellow... made me stop and really think about fertility. He didn't say anything to me about fertility, he merely asked me about my menstrual cycle. When I said to him that I had not seen my cycle since I started chemotherapy, he wrote down the word "amenorrhea". So of course, I had to ask what that meant -- I mean, I've been through a lot over the past 2 years and slipping unknown words onto my paperwork just isn't going to fly. Not these days.
He told me that amenorrhea simply meant that I did not have a menstrual cycle. From that little bit of conversation, I realized that this menopause thing just might be real, and it might be long-lasting. This could really be IT. The truth is that I am now 40 years old. My fertility has "supposedly" been on the decline since I crossed the 30 threshold. So, even though I found breast cancer at a relatively young age, from a baby-making standpoint, I was late to the game.
If you ever want to see God laugh, tell Him your plans.
In 2008, my plans were to focus on my fertility and to research my options as a single woman who wanted to have children. Now, because of advanced cancer which caused me to need a lot of heavy-duty treatment, I am feeling certain that my fertility is just a by-gone dream. I have been thinking a lot these past few days about being amenorrheic and whether I have the strength to start on the fertility journey.
There are so many things to consider, how will I afford those treatments if they are not covered by insurance, will I use a donor, or will I find someone willing to father and raise a child with me... and so on.
The honest truth is that I don't know. I know that one of the reasons that I keep encouraging women to check their breasts, and to get their mammograms is because IF breast cancer is something that you have to deal with, the sooner it is detected the better the treatment will be. If breast cancer is caught early enough, you may not have to lose your breast, like I did. If breast cancer is caught early enough, you may not have to endure chemotherapy, like I did. Basically, if you find breast cancer when it is small (even microscopic) you can come through the treatment and pick up your life a bit more easily that someone who is diagnosed at a later stage.
You don't have to lose everything about yourself with breast cancer. But in order to do that, you have to know early and you have to act early.
But... even if you're diagnosed at a later stage, like I was... you can bounce back as well. I am planning to find a fertility specialist that I can talk to about my options. Truthfully, I finally realized/accepted that it is very possible that I won't have a baby. And the thought, for once, didn't cause me to cry. I am sad, but I am not defeated by the thought.
I've been dreaming about my life before breast cancer. And dreaming of a world without breast cancer. But, every morning when I wake up, those dreams fade.... and I start my day thinking about how to move beyond this chapter in my life.
