**UPDATE 2014: When I wrote this in 2010, I was still coming to grips with losing my breast and being reconstructed. I was lopsided, my relationship had ended and I was really just an emotional mess. I didn't know what was next. So, I thought that if I pushed myself to date again, I would hit my stride and feel more normal again. In hindsight, I wasn't ready for dating. Not by a long shot. **
Internet dating... oh boy!
Okay, so you know I've been home recuperating from my reconstruction for a bit. The internet has been my way of exploring the world from the comfort of home. After a few (and I mean just a few) dates last year, I decided that I needed to be a bit more proactive about meeting guys. I needed a strategy and I needed to implement that plan. So, I decided to open my mind and revisit internet dating.Um. Yeah. (confused face) Madness.
So, the cool thing about internet dating is that you can look at the pictures from the comfort of your home and decide quickly whether or not someone interests you. Its easy. And the instant gratification that comes when they respond to you is a good feeling. Unless the person who reaches out to you is a bit... well, different... from your normal interests.
Some of the men out there ... are not... quite... right... (for me anyway)
First example of... not quite right. Attractive guy, close to my age, in my metropolitan area... seems cool at first glance. I looked at his picture when it came up in the rotation -- didn't comment or anything but thought to myself that he wasn't hard on the eyes. He was rather cute actually. But for some reason, I had a feeling that he wouldn't be feeling me. This was shortly after my surgery and I was feeling a bit unpretty and very much like damaged goods. I thought it was a good sign when he tagged me to chat and wanted to get to know me.
After we got past the name introductions, he tells me... "I like women who have your look".
What does that mean?
I asked him if he meant that he liked women with short haircuts. He responded that no, that wasn't what he meant. He meant that I looked "open" and he liked women who were open.
Wait... what?
Again, not understanding what this dude is saying... I asked him what he meant by open. His response... "a woman who looks open to men and women".
Now... y'all know I am very straight. (and if you didn't know, now you do) I am very big on building relationships between women (friendships and business relationships) and I believe that quality friendships can enrich your life in multiple ways. But, I'm not naive... I didn't think that he meant he could see in my shining smile that I liked linking good people with good people. I just had never spoken to anyone who thought that I looked bisexual. It was a shocker to me.
I responded... "just to clarify, I'm very heterosexual and I'm cool with that" and he responded "great". He then procedes to tell me that women who are very open are cool with him because he's very open.
Ruh roh. (Scooby doo voice) Spidey senses are going off and I can practically see fireworks behind my eyelids... (sigh) Exactly what is this guy trying to tell me?
Me: "what do you mean by that?"
Him: well... I like to have bj's by white guys.
Me: blink blink - dead silence.
Me: silent
Me: silent
Me: okay... what exactly do you mean?
Him: I like to have white men service me with oral sex (okay, that's not exactly what he said but I'm trying to clean it up since this is the internet)
Me: (thinking... what in the holy h*ll have I stumbled into?)
Me: Oh really? Well, that's um, interesting.
Him: yeah, I think its pretty cool. I like it a lot.
Me: so... do you identify as gay or bisexual or what exactly?
Him: oh no. I'm straight. I'm here looking for a long-term relationship with a woman.
Me: blink blink - dead silence
Me: sigh. How's that?
Him: well, I don't have sex with men and I'm not attracted to them in any way but I like the power I feel when they want me and want to service me that way.
Okay... at this point, I'm wondering what I did in my past lives to have earned this sort of foolishness when I was earnestly trying to meet someone nice.
I mean... I'm a good person, I love the Lord, I pray and read my bible. I'm a little behind on my tithing but hey... overall, I'm a good girl. So, why is this freak-dude on my computer telling me this weirdness? What sort of twisted punishment is this? (shrug) Don't even know. However, since I'm so curious about people and what drives them... I was compelled to ask a whole lot of questions because I knew that I would never talk to this guy again in my life.
So I keep going. (Yeah, I know... but I'm really fascinated by people who are not like me at all)
Me: hmm... so why white guys? If its not a physical attraction, then what is it?
Him: I feel like its payback for racism.
Me: (thinking -- this dude is a moron for real) "Really now, that's interesting."
Him: so... does that bother you?
Me: (screaming inside... HELL YES!)
Me: um, no. I mean, its your life that you're living. If you're happy with the choice then great.
Him: cool... see, I knew you were open. (laughs)
Me: (thinking -- man, you have no idea how closed and uptight I really am)
Me: well, not really. I'm not that open-minded but I do accept that people have to do what makes them happy -- even if its not something I would do myself.
Him: would you have a problem with this if we were to date?
Me: (again, screaming on the inside) well, it would depend on the nature of our relationship. If we were platonic friends -- non-sexual friends -- nope. Your sex life is your business. But if we were to consider dating, then yes. Its a deal breaker for me. I couldn't comfortably date a man who was bisexual.
Him: I'm not bisexual. I just do this "thing" from time to time. Its payback.
Me: oh, my bad. I understand.
And I do (well sort of) understand. I understand that there are people who engage in same sex relations but who do not subscribe to the belief that they are gay or bisexual in any way. I don't really agree with the notion but then, I'm not into same sex love personally.
What surprised me -- beyond the admission of this weird prediliction for strange reverse racism sexual role play -- was that he told me this without coersion, immediately following the "my name is" portion of the conversation. I'm not sure why he felt so comfortable with sharing something so personal but I have to say it dinged my self-esteem in a major way. I was sick/sad/upset for a couple of weeks after this conversation.
How did this confession become about me?
I internalized that his decision to find a girlfriend who was open to his lifestyle choices meant that I was someone who came across as "easy" or sexually loose -- neither of which are true. And not at all what happened. Now that weeks have passed since this conversation, I realize just how crazy I was to even think that way.
Having breast cancer as a single girl is damaging to the self-esteem. I cannot over state that. However, this guy's personal sexual choices are not a reflection on me nor are they a statement that I'm damaged goods only worthy of someone I'm so very incompatible with.
You would be surprised at just how long it took me to come to that level of understanding. In hindsight, the story was funny. I did ask him whether he had met a lot of women who were comfortable with his non-mainstream interests. He wouldn't answer. He did say that it was probably more than I would expect.
Wow. Who knew?
I didn't immediately quit the dating site. I thought that he had to be an anomaly and I figured that there had to be better out there. Of course, you know my luck isn't that great so... I left after a couple of weeks because the responses I was getting weren't really of the quality I was seeking and the site wasn't free. I didn't see the point of paying to meet losers. So I bounced.
Let me add... I never even took the time to explain to him that I was a breast cancer survivor. I hesitated in the beginning because I thought it was a liability and he would run screaming away. And then, well, the craziness started and I didn't see the point in sharing my stuff when his was so much more interesting.
Anybody else out there experiencing interesting connections on-line?
