dating when your scarred from breast cancer

(sigh)

I just read a blog post that really disturbed me. In it, the blogger was writing about a guy who felt deceived by his date because she didn't disclose some issues with her body prior to the point where they decided to have sex.  In fairness to Moxie (Moxie in the City - The Crying Game post ) ... she was writing in reaction to another blog post where a guy decided to bitch and moan about how some woman he met on-line deceived and lied to him.  Here's his post: Master dater - Online dating nightmare post

After reading this guy's post and his comments... a few things stand out to me. One, he's a jerk. Not sure whether it is just an on-line/blog persona or his real deal but he's a jerk (if he's a friend of yours, my apologies but this is how I feel). Two, he's rather insensitive and seems to have an inflated sense of self. And finally three, he doesn't plan too well. Who drives 4 hours to see someone who is virtually a stranger and doesn't have a back-up plan or a hotel room? I digress...


(more after the jump... click the READ MORE link)

healing well... time to start thinking about the next surgery

Saw the doctor today and I'm healing quite well. It is a good thing that my recuperation is coming along well and with no complications or infections. I am fortunate that I don't have keloid skin and generally speaking, my skin rebounds well from trauma. So, the scarring across my belly is looking very good and is already looking like it will fade nicely. The scars around my breast aren't healing quite as quickly but still seem to be doing alright. The skin around my breast is more traumatized though from the radiation treatment. I think that it will be some time before that area looks "normal" but that's okay.

The surgeon mentioned that I would need to come back in 2-3 months to check my healing again but also to start the planning for the next phase of my reconstruction. To be honest, while it seems that plastic surgery isn't quite as horrible as I'd imagined, it isn't a cakewalk. And I'm not that certain that I want to keep nitpicking for perfection. My plastic surgeon seems to really enjoy what she does. She gets rather excited when its time to discuss procedures and such. I am not so amused by the prospect.

Right now, my new breast is what I call a "Barbie boob"... its round and nipple-less much like a Barbie doll. It isn't (to me) shaped exactly as I envisioned. I am still swollen and tender in the area above the breast and in the area on the side of the breast. But, its tolerable and fine to me. My surgeon mentioned that if the swelling above the breast didn't go down, then she could go back and do a little liposuction to flatten that area.

Blink. Blank stare.

(more after the jump... click on the READ MORE link)

Mood swings as side effects... who woulda thunk it?

The other night I was up surfing the internet and I came across an article that connected mood swings and depression with Tamoxifen.  If you've been following the blog for awhile, you've probably noticed a lot of posts lately about my depression fears and my crying spells. It never occurred to me that any of this emotional stuff could be a side effect of my medication. I honestly thought that it was part of the baggage that comes with battling breast cancer. It is... but I think in my case, there's something more.

I've noticed that when I talk with other breast cancer patients and survivors... they seem to be more balanced than I am. Women who have battled cancer numerous times, have a smile on their face and a pep in their step that I simply do not have. That bothers me. Why aren't I more upbeat or at minimum more balanced about this ordeal? Why do I cry just about everytime someone says breast cancer out loud to me? In my head, I don't feel that I should cry...but for some reason, I do.


(more after the jump... click on the READ MORE link)

The art of massage and the beauty of shea butter

It is slowly dawning on me that pampering myself has to move from the "occasional" column to the "everyday" column in my list of life activities. Things that I used to consider as pleasures to indulge in every now and then -- or, even better, "when the time/money/mood is right" -- are now an important part of my recipe for healing.

One thing that I'm trying to absorb is to stop fighting against the slowing down process. Which is funny because anyone who knows me knows that I don't move fast... at all. Yet, I guess not moving fast doesn't equal not thinking fast. And I definitely do that... think fast, think long, and over-analyze. Everything. But like I said, I'm working on understanding the beauty of slowing down. Slowing way down.

For example, before cancer, taking a long soaking bath was a luxury of time and indulgence that I didn't engage in too often. Usually, in a rush to do something or go somewhere a long shower would often suffice as my me-time bath indulgence. Now... taking a soak is something my body craves several times a week. Its time that I could spend doing other things... but, why? When I was in chemotherapy, soaking in an epsom salt bath helped to draw out some of the toxins in my body and also provided relief to my aching muscles and joints. When I was in radiation therapy, it helped me ease into sleep and provided much needed moisture into my skin. Now... it does all of that and more. I think I get something from the actual soak and also from the time alone away from technology, away from the puppy... its time where I can pray and talk to God, read a book or just cry if something is bothering me. Its valuable me-time... AND it helps me heal. Win-win.

I've never had a professional massage in my life. I plan to change that pretty soon. However, in the meantime, I have learned to lightly massage myself as I apply the various creams and lotions to my skin to help with my scars. I apply cocoa butter and vitamin E oil to my skin every day -- sometimes twice a day -- and I rub/massage the scars lightly as I apply them. I plan to switch from the Palmer's cocoa butter (I think it has too many "additives") as soon as the organic, unrefined shea butter I ordered arrives.

Shea butter is actually believed to be better for healing scars and better for your skin than cocoa butter. Although I ordered my shea butter on-line, I have learned that finding organic, unrefined shea butter is not that difficult. If you find yourself in need of some, look for an African market in your community... they are known to carry them. Also, if you're really fortunate, you may find it at an organic market or even an open-air flea market as well.

The thing about shea butter... well, honestly about all products that you put on your skin... is that you have to do your research and you have to read the ingredient list. Your skin is the largest organ on your body, so whatever you put on your skin, you're putting in your body. Just as you have you be careful about what you eat, you have to also be aware of what you're putting on your skin. Less is better, I think. A lot of the additives that are in our lotions and creams are linked to toxins that are not good for you. At this point in the journey, I'm trying to reduce risks everywhere that I can so its organic and unrefined shea butter for me.

Highly refined shea butter is processed with chemicals in order to increase the yield. This process also manages to strip the shea butter of some of its healing properties. You have to be aware and do your homework. The information is out there. Although a year ago, I didn't think that I would get on the organic, all-natural band wagon... I'm starting to realize that the extra cost and additional time that it takes to find and purchase these natural products only benefits me in the long run. And more importantly, I am worth it.

Right now, I have scars zipping all around my body... across my lower belly, and around my new breast. I also have the scar where my port was implanted (which will probably be made worse once its removed) and all the little knicks on my arms from the multiple IV's that I've had from my hospital visits in the past year. Once upon a time, my skin was smooth and practically blemish-free... I plan to get back to that same smooth creaminess again.

EXTRA! EXTRA! Sexy, sassy and single breast cancer survivor ready to date again

If I had a newspaper (and the nerve), I'd write a sassy article about myself and use this headline to grab attention. Luckily, I have neither. But, once again, I have started to make moves toward getting back into the dating groove again.

 

I made a forward step a couple of weeks ago and joined an on-line dating site. WRONG move! Well... not exactly. But it was a bad choice in dating sites for me. I only chatted with a couple of people but they were... well, freaks. (laughs) And not in a good way.

 

After sulking for a few days after experiencing some of the most ridiculous conversations I've ever had in my life, I realized something. I'm making progress. Its little tiny steps... but its progress none the less. For awhile I thought that I was going to have to resign myself to being single for the rest of my life. But, for some reason I feel differently today. (Might be because I deleted my profile and hopefully severed any chance of any of those freaks finding me ever again)

I spent a few days searching for stories of love, marriage and/or weddings that happened after a diagnosis of breast cancer, or after treatment for breast cancer. I found a few, but not very many. I was disheartened for a few days but then I realized that I would just have to write my own story about how I found love after I beat breast cancer. That sounds pretty good, right?

A few things I will keep in mind as I go forward... 

•  Dating is supposed to be fun... let it be fun;
• Your sexiness is between your ears, not confined to your chest;
• You don't have to disclose your medical history until you're ready and comfortable -- no need to blurt it out as soon as you start talking to someone (I have to work on this);
• If it doesn't fit, don't force it -- some guys just won't like you or be attracted to you and it will have nothing to do with breast cancer;
• If it does fit, go with the flow -- some men will find you witty, and charming and beautiful and sexy... LET THEM;
• You've survived something very traumatic and life-changing, be confident that God will continue to bless you in immeasurable ways -- including love;

and finally...

• It only takes one -- each bad date, bad connection is one less person you have to wonder about. You're only looking to fall for one really amazing guy... let the losers fall off your back and keep strutting.

I don't really know where all this confidence is coming from but I like it. I will keep you updated on my dating journey... To be fair and honest, I have met some really wonderful, attractive and interesting men this year. Really interesting... (laughs) but I'm still single, so I'm still open to dating.

The truth is that I'm still here for a reason. I don't know what it is, but I'm pretty sure its not so that I can be a miserable, lonely, sourpuss... watching other people live the life I want.

...and the real fun begins!

On the prowl for ways to diminish my scars

Shea butter! Cocoa butter! Vitamin E oil!!

My surgeon advised me to start using cocoa butter to massage into my surgical scars to help with the healing. I am thrilled that I actually have at home something that I need to help me with this process. I have some Palmer's cocoa butter and some vitamin e oil -- but that's just to get me started. I'm concerned that the Palmer's brand has too many additives to the cocoa butter. However, it is my understanding that shea butter is actually better for your skin and works better than cocoa butter to reduce scars. So, that's what I'm on the hunt for. (Though... I like the smell of cocoa butter better than shea)

I've been searching for pure shea butter and cocoa butter to use on my skin. And it seems that there is a whole world out there that I was previously unaware of -- folks who mix their own body butters and lotions and such things. Who knew? At any rate... I'm not really trying to get that deep into the mixology of it all... but I am going to purchase some unrefined shea butter and some cocoa butter -- as opposed to using the stuff I currently have from the Body Shop (lots of chemicals in that stuff) and the Palmer's cocoa butter. I want to give my body a real chance to heal itself and get a good glow going.

Only 6 months until summer!! Woohoo... I've got work to do before then.


Websites to find natural shea butter and cocoa butters (or recipes to whip up your own body butter):

From Nature With Love

Au Naturale by Miss Sixx

Subtle Essence


Do you know of any other sites where I could find natural products for my skin? Please leave a comment. Thanks!!

Still fatigued after the surgery

I am healing very well after my TRAM flap surgery. My plastic surgeon is quite pleased. However, I have to admit that I am really quite tired. My energy level has not returned and according to my doctor, it may be weeks before I'm feeling like myself. I'm beginning to wonder if that is even possible. (laughs)

I did receive the green light to return to work in a week -- though I believe she was reluctant to do so. But since I'm healing so well and looking pretty wonderful (her words but I agree) she agreed that I can return to work.

I'm beginning to feel like a prisoner again...which is why I asked to be released for work. And its this feeling that has me really wondering about the future surgical procedures I have to look forward to. We discussed briefly the procedure to reduce and lift my other breast and my nipple reconstruction as well. (First, let me say.. yuck. The conversation was not fun...but I digress.)  I am a little tired of being out of work for weeks at a time. It sounds nice in theory but really, I feel like a hostage or a prisoner. I'm too weak to go out, or travel and take advantage of the downtime. But my body requires the time to heal and needs the rest to make things better. I just don't know how to find a balance.

If I can make it 6 to 9 months (or longer) before I have to have another surgical procedure, I think I will be pleased. But... since it may not be possible (I don't know what God has in store for me actually) I will just hope that the next time I will be just as responsive in my healing as I have been this time.

Genetic test results are in...

I saw the geneticist today to get my results from the test for the BRCA1 and BRCA2 gene. Because my mood has been so shady, today's appointment was the second one -- I skipped the first one last week and I nearly skipped this one. Fear of financial retribution from my insurance company (meaning, I was worried that they would charge me a fee for continuing to miss appointments) was the ultimate motivator to go to the hospital.

My plastic surgeon was very adamant about me getting the testing done because she was concerned (I think) that I wasn't really gung-ho about removing my other breast. With positive test results, my entire course of treatment would have shifted a bit -- including a very strong suggestion to proactively remove my second breast as a matter of caution.

Well, the results show that I am not a carrier of either of the known breast cancer genes. Like most of the women and men in the world struggling with breast cancer... I have no hereditary link to my cancer. Based on the previous consultation with the geneticist, it was more likely than not that I would not have it. I am relieved to be honest.

Having the breast cancer gene makes you a candidate for either breast cancer or ovarian cancer -- and often both cancers. As a matter of treatment, carriers of these genes are sometimes advised to remove their breasts and/or their ovaries in order to defeat the cancer before it strikes.

What defines me as a woman

This past year has taught me many things. One of which is that I cannot be defined by my body parts. Even though I've known for many years that I'm more than what I look like, it is still an adjustment to consider that there are pieces of your body that are wrong and need treatment and/or removal in order to preserve the whole. So, when I say that I am truly relieved that I do not have to face the option of removing any more parts ... at least not based on these test results... I am TRULY relieved. I trusted my gut instinct that (for me) it was an unnecessary step...and the test results proved me to be right in my decision.

In a way, I envy those women who are so confident in their decision to remove their breasts and keep moving forward. Prior to breast cancer, I had not realized just how much my "fabulous boobies" made me feel like me. They are not perfect, they are not all that perky (well, one is now), they have their own set of issues but all of that imperfection makes them mine. I am grateful to have them, reconstructed and all.

Fighting depression

I suppose I'm beginning to sound like a broken record (yeah, that's a shout-out to the old folks reading this blog -- RECORDS -- remember those?). I'm terrified of depression creeping up around me.

Since the surgery, I've been in a frenzy of tears and sadness. I'm sleeping too much -- when I should be awake -- and awake at night, when I should be asleep. Its freaking me out because I feel like I'm shrinking away from myself. I'm over-thinking every step I've made on this journey and wondering if I did the right thing, made the right choices... am I going to be alright in the long run? I think about death far too much...and not in a proactive, let's prepare for the worst kind of way. But I think about it in a "what if I wasn't here" sort of way.

I know that those kind of thoughts aren't good. However, since I have dealt with depression in the past, I work on putting those thoughts out of my head and I focus my attention in other areas. So know that each and everyday, I am thanking God for your presence in my life as I count my blessings and work to relieve my mind of some of the emotional stress and turmoil that this cancer has brought to my world.

Studies have been done that show that after the active treatment for breast cancer has concluded, many women continue to struggle with their emotional health and wellness. Post-traumatic stress disorder and  depression (from mild to severe) can strike from day one when the diagnosis is delivered. Due to the nature of this disease, the focus of your active treatment includes all variations of eradicating the cancer cells but very little is usually addressed to your emotional health. I think that's a shame. Judging from the way that I'm feeling these days... I can honestly say that it should be a requirement that a mental health professional be consulted at least once or twice during the course of treatment.

Never thought I'd advocate for more doctor visits, but in this case I see a real need for it. Millions of women are living with bodies that are disfigured, self-esteem that has plummetted and sometimes a diminished outlook on life.

I feel crazy!

And not in a good way. I know that I'm not alone because a quick trip through some of the on-line forums on some of the breast cancer sites shows that lots of women are really struggling with body image issues, depression, fear, anxiety, and so on. A really big stressor for many women is balancing work, family and financial issues. Far too many of us are struggling to be all that we were before cancer and are frightened to our core of not being able to keep up. That is a real issue for me. I'm not sure how to find the solution, but I'm trying to figure it out.

One of the nurses at the hospital during my stay, was a breast cancer survivor. We chatted a few times and she eventually shared with me that she had opted to have both of her breasts removed and reconstructed with implants. She was a mother of 4 and was the sole income for her family. She shared that her implants were leaking and she needed to have them replaced. However, since she was the sole income for her family, she couldn't afford to take the time off from work in order to take care of her health.

Did I mention that she was a nurse?

I was mortified and scared... and a little relieved because I realized during that conversation that all of us -- patients, survivors, care-givers & supporters -- are walking a really thin line between living fully and shrinking a bit from the scary edges of life. I was relieved to know that I wasn't alone in my worries and my fears. But I was saddened because I realized that this lady was risking her health -- after taking the drastic step of removing her breast in case cancer came back -- because the fear of losing her income or her job was greater than the fear of whatever health repercussions a leaking implant would cause.

Somehow, when the dust settles and my mind is back to clarity... I'm going to figure out a way to help all of these women like myself, who are struggling under the weight of this disease and its financial burdens. I've been thinking and thinking of ways that it can be done -- primarily because I want some relief myself right now. But I know that if I need help, then there are thousands if not hundreds of thousands of other women out there who need financial assistance as well. There has to be a solution. Its just a matter of finding it.

Depression is not my fate. Poverty is not my fate. Low self-esteem, again, not my fate. These negative things are not my destiny. (sigh) I will keep fighting to smile, to be happy, to be joyous, to feel fulfilled in my life. Right now, its an uphill battle. But from what I've read... if I keep the faith, things will turn around.