wet blisters, peeling skin...

Radiation treatment is definitely interesting. On Friday, I had a small coin size area of naked skin under my arm. By this morning, the area of raw skin had quadrupled in size. What I currently have is what is called "wet blisters". As opposed to "dry flakes"... my radiated (burned) skin is bubbling up and basically disintegrating away from my body. Its GROSS! With a capital G. For once I am glad that I have lost a lot of feeling under my arm, and in the breast area. I know that it should hurt but it doesn't hurt very much. Well, it doesn't hurt in the way that I think it should hurt.

What I'm feeling right now is more of a dull ache that is throughout my body. In that specific area, my skin and muscles are tender to the touch -- much like a bad sunburn. It is most uncomfortable when I lay down to rest and/or sleep (which is actually quite often). But the pain isn't so sharp that tylenol can't take the edge off and allow me to be more comfortable.

I'd take a picture but it is extremely disgusting looking... so I don't think I should share that with you. It is difficult to apply the creams that I've been given to my skin because of the tenderness and the rawness of the wound. I was alarmed this morning to find that so much fluid had expressed through the wound through the night. It had leaked through the bandage and into my nightshirt. However, when the doctor looked at it today -- she told me that it was quite normal.

Normal.

I don't think that after all this is over I will ever think of normal in the same way again. Everything that is absolutely the antithesis of what I think normal is -- is being labeled as normal now. Its mind-bending actually. But, its okay.

Oh, I lost the last little fingernail that was holding on today. While waiting for the radiation nurse to look at my wounds, I was fumbling with my purse and my chart and pop! off it went. I actually laughed out loud. It threw her off for a moment and she started to move quickly to find me bandage. I just didn't need it. But luckily, it took a long time for this nail to fall off, long enough that the nail underneath has grown almost to the end of my finger. My nails are looking much better (to me)... however, I don't think they look as good to other people. The look on my friend's face Friday night when I showed my hands to her, reminded me that where I see progress others may not. And that's okay too.

My hair is still growing in nicely and its still really straight. I was told by someone (can't remember who at the moment) that in a year or so it may return to its previous state. Kinky and wavy as opposed to straight. My gray patch returned and I am actually quite happy to see it.

I also noticed today some burned skin on my neck. And I realized that it is more radiated skin that will likely slough off in the near future. I'm hoping that it won't blister and peel like the skin around my breast/and under my arm because it doesn't appear to be as burned as the other skin. Of course, I know nothing... (haha) and eventually everything I think I know turns out to be untrue. So... we will see.

I felt pretty bad this weekend. I had a grand time on Friday night and my spirits were definitely lifted from spending time with friends. However, Saturday and Sunday were complete busts. I could barely walk or stand for long. My sleep was fitful and I was achy all over. I think that the accumulation of radiation runs me down more than I expect by the end of the week. That's a guess.

At any rate, last week was really emotional. I'm hoping that this week will be more peaceful and that I will get some much needed rest.

I was feeling philosophical earlier this evening... reflecting on my life and the relationships that I've had over the years. I was going to write something about living above regrets and finding peace and solace with the choices I've made. But now, I'm not thinking that any of that needs to be articulated (in detail) tonight. Basically, I'm pretty tired. I've already taken my tylenol pm and am waiting for it to kick in. Tomorrow will be a long day... chemo for a couple of hours and then radiation. So, I imagine that tomorrow evening... I won't be very chatty.

I'm planning to post a new picture of myself soon. (as soon as I take one, haha) I don't look like Uncle Fester anymore.

...some of my cuteness has returned.

Complaining is so useless...

I'm sitting here thinking of the pain and the frustration... and while I know that its appropriate for me to be upset sometimes... it really is just useless.

Life is short. It really is. Even though my birthday is coming up, I feel like 25 was a few weeks ago. So what, I've got a little cancer. I had 38 healthy years before I ever even knew. Some kids get cancer when they are barely toddlers. And their parents and family have to watch them deal with these harsh treatments while hoping that it stretches out their little lives... just a little longer.

All that to say... as bad as this is... as overwhelmed as I get from time to time... it could be worse. So, I have to stay present in the moment and acknowledge that its okay. I'm going to be okay. And that's all any of us can ask for at any given moment of crisis.

i'm so *(^%@# tired of breast cancer treatments

I'm ranting today because dammit I am T-I-R-E-D! Damn. So sick of breast cancer treatments and all their wack side effects. (sigh)

You know how a charred hot dog looks after its been left on the grill just a little too long? That black puffy skin that blisters and shows yucky pink hot dog meat underneath? (yeah, I will admit that sometimes a good charred "dog" tastes great! but that's not the point)

The radiated skin is really dark... almost black under my arm. Today when I went to treatment, I noticed that some of the skin is blistering/peeling away. And there's this big pink spot of skin underneath. Its so gross. The first thing I thought of was a charred hot dog. (I'd laugh but I'm really sort of pissed off)

If you remember, I was all excited because this was supposed to be my last day of radiation treatment. Well... its not. That doctor (the one I don't like so much) and her team (the ones who sort of annoy me with their arrogance)... all failed to tell me that after radiation ends, there are still more treatments to go. They call them "booster" shots. Basically, I still have radiation treatments but in a much smaller area.

sigh. damn!

Tomorrow is the day I meet with the doctor. I see her once a week. And I'm really going to have to bring up the fact that people keep assuming that I know things that I JUST DON'T KNOW.

If someone says to you... "oh, you have only 10 more treatments"... doesn't that make you think that the 10th treatment is the LAST treatment? Who thinks to ask... well, is the 10th treatment the last treatment -- when that's just what was said?

sigh.

I have 8 more treatments. I don't know if that's all... or there's more. But I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired. And I'm pissy as hell right now.

Chemotherapy was hard as hell. HARD. And the side effects were painful, annoying, aggravating and just bad.

The mastectomy was difficult. It took me weeks to be able to just look at my chest without crying or feeling disfigured.

Radiation has been so draining. I'm tired. But I was managing. Well sort of. But wow. Peeling skin?

I can tell you when the skin peeled/popped... it was last night. While I was trying to sleep. I felt my nightshirt twisting under my arm but I thought nothing of it actually. Just felt that it was a bad night. Who knew that my skin was falling away?

I'm so tired of all this. I know that a lot of folks think that I'm "strong" or handling things well... but I'm not. I'm weak and I'm tired. I'm just tired.

Gotta get some drinks this weekend.


(Shout out to Tiffy for her encouraging words the other day... you're fantastic for sharing)

well... not feeling so good today

I've been upset and crying since last night. Hard times can really show you who is in your corner and able to stand strong with you. My doctors told me that I should expect to lose some friends along the way because dealing with cancer is difficult and stressful. I thought I had prepared myself for it -- you lose friends all the time as you go through life -- but some friends still surprise you. The ones you think won't stand with you, do... and the ones you think will stand by you forever, sometimes don't.

I'm feeling bad physically too. My energy is low and my skin is really painful now. I was given some medicated cream to put on my skin but its not helping. In fact, it hurts to even touch my skin in that radiated area. I don't know what to do for the pain - besides take tylenol. I can't put anything on it, like a cold/cool compress but I've got to figure something out. The pain is starting to really get to me. I think it will get worse over the next few weeks, after radiation ends, before it gets better.

But... all in all, like every other day... I'm happy to be here and I'm looking forward to the future.

I got another heartbreak the other day but I haven't really had a chance to fully digest it. I learned that I have a large fibroid in my womb. (shaking my head) My mom had them and they are common among black women but I had hoped to be saved from having them. I am fortunate that I don't have pains and/or heavy menstrual cycles like some women but its just one more way that I feel that having children just isn't likely to happen for me. I'm starting to feel ... broken. Broken heart, broken body... my spirit is still holding on but its getting stretched and feels a little fragile right now.

On a lighter note... my hair is coming in nicely (although its bone straight). I almost look the way I looked before I was sick. Almost. I made a promise to myself before my chemotherapy started that if I had to lose my hair, when it grew back I would just let it grow. I haven't had long hair or even short hair (haha) in a long time. I cannot even imagine what I look like with hair but we'll find out eventually. And... my fingernails are coming in. My fingertips are still really tender but its good to look down and not see black/purple nails.

(oops!) I just realized that my cousin called me this weekend and I forgot to call her back. Tanisha!!! Girl, I'm gonna call you tomorrow. I'm writing it down, right now.

dang. (sigh) My memory is totally jacked. They call it cancer-brain or chemo-brain -- and its crazy. I'm sure those of you who have asked me to do things, or respond to messages have been frustrated by my slowness. I sincerely apologize but I promise you -- I really forget things all the time. Sometimes just a few moments after I've had a thought or someone has told me something. Its just GONE. Completely.

So... that's my day. Gonna bury myself in some scriptures and get my prayers and praise on. :)

Holla.

4 more radiation treatments

Today I was told that I have four more radiation treatments and then I'm done. Although I could not tell in the beginning that anything was happening... I can definitely tell now.

My skin is really dark in the radiated area. It is tender, like a sunburn. When I get home from treatment, I feel woozy and nauseous for hours. By the end of the night, I have a terrible headache, my chest is sore and I am a bit cranky. So, I'm glad to know that this crap is almost over.

A few more weeks and I'll be back to work. Back to my life, sort of. I will have to take a few "cancer breaks"... to finish my chemo and to get my reconstruction. So, its not as though everything will be the same as before. But it won't be like the past 6 months of treatment and surgery and recuperation and radiation. I can go to dinner, and maybe go on dates again. That would be nice. Hang out with my friends occasionally... that would be nice too. You know, just get back to living without cancer being the primary focus of my whole day.

I had written an entire post about losing friendships and how hard it was... but then my computer acted funky and it all was lost. It was good too... lol. But now, I don't feel like trying to remember all that I wrote. So, maybe it wasn't supposed to be seen.

Although I feel icky right now (radiation side effects)... I feel like a huge weight has been moved off my shoulders. I've gotten through just about everything that I was told I needed to do to be rid of my breast cancer. I still have to get through my herceptin chemo -- to help ensure that it won't come back. And then my reconstruction... and that's it.

Hmph. It feels rather anti-climatic after all the tears and fears and sickness and treatments. Like I want to have a party but I don't really feel (in this moment) like I've done anything. And I know that I have but the feeling hasn't caught up with the moment.

Right now... I want to whisk away to a tropical island and just kick back and relax. But, I can't just yet. I still have a few more doctor visits and treatments and stuff to do first. Maybe by the end of the year, I can take a week or two off and just not think about cancer for awhile.

feeling really humbled and blessed

Today started off slowly. I got up late and moving slow. I had a hard time just getting it together.

I spent about 20 minutes last night just staring at myself in the mirror. Naked from the waist up, I just looked at my body. Tried to take in all the details. The white x's and dashes on my skin (left there by the radiation techs) along with some blue lines drawn as well. I stared at the difference in my skin color between the radiated area and the rest of my chest. I have an approximately 5 inch square area of my skin and portion of my underarm that is probably 10 shades darker than the rest of me. I looked at how my breasts looked drastically different from each other now. I just stared.

I didn't cry or smile. I didn't think any thoughts. I just looked. And after I put on my medicated cream and the aquaphor lotion and got into bed, I thought about the journey of my cancer treatment.

I went to sleep late, and I tossed and turned. I had crazy dreams; most of which I don't remember. All that stuck with me when I opened my eyes this morning was that I was losing my teeth (in my dream). I remember running my tongue across my teeth for several minutes... just making sure that they were still there (smile). And they were.

So... I woke up late, feeling weird, very tired and a bit out of sorts. But today was radiation day -- just like every day -- and I couldn't stay in bed. I am not quite sure why but radiation treatment makes me tired. The radiation therapist told me that fatigue was normal because the radiation is killing a lot of cells and my body extends a lot of energy making up the difference. (shrug) I will take her at her word. All I know is that everyday gets a little more difficult to walk and move. And it takes just a little more effort to get up and stay up.

I watched Oprah today. Montell Williams was her main guest. He talked about his MS and how his life has changed because of it. There were clips of other celebrities talking about their various illnesses and the devastation they felt at their diagnosis. I could totally relate. But they also spoke about how they moved beyond their diseases emotionally and walked into a different space. And that inspired me to think more about how cancer has changed my life.

I'm moving into a new phase of my illness and that is transitioning back to "normal" life. But... it is a new normal and I will have to be a new Nic. I've been fighting that thought for a long time. I was just getting to where I really appreciated the old Nic. She was a really great girl -- a little self-focused but generally a good person. I don't know who the new Nic is. At least not yet. But for the past 2 hours all I can think about is how good God is and has been to me.

For so long I was mad that God planted these cancerous cells in my body. He knew what I didn't...that one day they would live beyond their lifetimes and form tumors in my body that would threaten my life. He knew that. And yet... he planted in me some really big dreams (some of which have come true and many more that have not).

He gave me life more abundantly... down to the cellular level.

What is cancer? Basically, it is a genetic mutation where some cells don't die when they are supposed to. Because they don't die, they end up collecting in your body in places where they don't belong. Ultimately creating problems for the cells and organs that do belong.

This post may not make any sense but I am feeling grateful to be here. They say that God doesn't put on you more than you can bear. And I promise you there have been so many nights that I cried myself to sleep feeling like I couldn't take one more minute of having cancer. But, the next minute came and I was still here so that shows you how much I know. I have super-big dreams... and tonight I'm feeling that if I can make it through this then I can make those dreams come true too.

God gave me a reminder that I really can do anything... even survive breast cancer. I'm feeling humbled by that thought and blessed.

finding my way to me again...

I've been slacking on my arm exercises. No excuses, I've just been rather lazy I guess. That doesn't feel quite right to say... its not exactly how I've been feeling. But, I'll leave it there. Maybe the shame of feeling lazy will move me to move that arm more and get it back to its full use again.

I've been thinking a lot lately. Even more than usual. My thoughts aren't as focused on my cancer but more about my life in general and what I plan to do now with myself. I am scared. Life is passing every moment, whether I'm doing something great or something frivolous. Am I doing the right things? Loving the right people? Am I pressing myself hard in the right ways and giving myself the proper slack in others? Just questions swirling around.

I feel very alone. And its an odd feeling knowing that millions of people around the world are dealing with the same feelings, the same fears, the same ghostly illness. But even knowing that there are lots of people suffering like me, doesn't make me feel less alone.

Everybody's cancer is different. My mother and I say this to one another about once a week or so. Usually in the middle of discussing some person we know who is or had dealt with cancer. Its maddening and its saddening. One of my mother's friends is losing her mother to cancer. She's up in age and they have told her that her cancer isn't treatable. She's too fragile to handle chemotherapy or surgery. So, while I fret and complain about the side effects of my treatment, she is coming to grips with the end of her life. Now, I do not know this lady and I have no idea how she feels about any of this. She may be cool and relaxed for all I know. But the story has been on my mind all evening.

That could have been me.

The wife of a friend of my boyfriend passed away from breast cancer recently. Again, that could have been me. And so on, and so forth... that's how my thoughts have been. When I see or hear a story about someone's deep suffering from cancer I can't help but think -- that could have been me.

So... now I sit and ponder -- what now Nicole? I'm working on a list of things to accomplish and I'm going to put it on a timeline. Breaking down the goals to steps that I can take in a normal fashion, in a reasonable amount of time.

It could have been me will have to define another reality. I need to feel hopeful again.

I'm back to reading that silly "crazy sexy cancer" book. (laugh) It has proven to have a few good ideas in it but not an abundance. At least not for me. I've gotten about halfway through it -- and of course, being the writer that I am I've already wondered if I could write a better book. Maybe better isn't the right word but different somehow. She's still a bit too perky for my personal taste and a bit too "gung ho" about changing the world. However, I think that she may have been farther removed from her feelings than I am. I don't know. I'm not up for starting a movement or even joining one just yet. All of this is still very raw for me.

For example, I received a wonderful and sweet note from a good friend asking me to consider creating a team to walk in the Komen Race for the Cure in DC this June. I thought about it, asked my group if they were interested and then signed up for a team. I was a bit energetic and excited about the idea earlier in the day. But as the day went on, and I thought more about it, I wondered whether or not I was emotionally ready to be involved with the "machine" of fighting cancer.

This is still a very personal experience. I know I share a lot of my deep feelings here with everyone but honestly, it still feels very private too. Hard to explain the dichotomy but as public as I am being about my feelings, its also very tender in my heart. I think that raising funds for breast cancer research is a worthwhile endeavor. And I know that I will have to dig deep some days in order to get through this... but I think, in the end, it will be worth it.

I'm going to push through this feeling. But I'd be lying if I didn't say that its overwhelming and somewhat frightening at the same time. It really is. (sigh) But so what? I guess I'll get past this too.

----------

My radiation doctor gave me some sort of prescription cream to use on my radiated breast area but I can't figure out why. (laugh) The symptoms that it says it treats, I don't see. But I'm going to use it anyway. Along with these lotions I've purchased at her office's suggestion as well. The therapist told me that my breast looked "dry" the other day. I would have been offended but I wasn't quite sure what she meant by it. To me, dry means ashy. And I wasn't ashy. I guess I'm not using my lotions frequently enough. I don't know... but if I don't use all of the lotions/creams on my boobie, they are quite moisturizing so I'm sure I'll put it to good use.

I find myself soaking in epsom salts a couple of times a week. My body aches a lot. I walk rather slowly (which is another reason why I'm laughing at my ambition to walk a 5k in June and a 10-miler in October...) but I'm not going to worry about it too much. I'm just going to work my way up to it. Three miles isn't that far (at least it wasn't to me a year ago). Considering that I get winded walking up and down the stairs, I've got my work cut out for me.

I still run into that wall of expectation. That's where I expect to be able to do something and then my body reminds me that I'm not quite there yet. Its also where I expect people to be able to look at me and see "cancer girl"... and they don't. I suspect that I will run into both of these expectations for a long time. Sometimes cancer feels like the scarlet letter but I suppose that its really not. I should be happy that I no longer look sickly but in some ways I'm not. At least when I looked sickly, I didn't feel the need to explain myself. Now, I feel like I have to live up to the expectation that I'm a normal, healthy girl -- even though I don't feel like it. And I don't know what's worse -- that I don't feel like living up to other people's expectations or that I even think I have to.

How Are You Supposed To Feel About Your Breasts While Fighting Breast Cancer?

Half-way Through Radiation Therapy: Exhaustion is Real

They warned me that I would be tired... They were right.

Well, I'm almost done with my radiation therapy. I'm halfway through... and I don't like it any more today than I did on the first day. This is exhausting.

I have been (sort of) doing my arm exercises, so my range of motion is much better than it was the first day. The first time they put me in the machine, I could barely raise my arm above my head and hold it for a minute. Yes... one minute. It was so very hard. But, it has improved significantly. It's still not what it used to be and definitely not as free-moving as my right arm. But, it is coming along. I can raise my arm up over my head and I can reach over my head. The progress is really great, but I really need to be more diligent about my exercises.

I decided not to do the physical therapy. It seemed like overkill. I hope that I don't regret that decision. I read so much information about what to expect after the mastectomy and most women seemed to be okay in short order. I figured that I could do what anybody else could do if I put my mind to it. Plus, I really wasn't looking forward to going to see another medical professional. Just making it to radiation 5 times a week is tough enough. I am so tired these days that I couldn't imagine trying to add physical therapy on top of radiation therapy.

A radiation machine. It is HUGE, right? I have to be zapped
by this thing 5 days a week for 7.5 weeks. 

This is all so much more confusing than it seems. 

I'm still having flashes of momentary confusion about what I've been through.  For example, I'll be walking toward the kitchen and I'll just start shaking my head in utter disbelief. I can't stop myself for a few minutes. I just keep thinking or saying to myself repeatedly.. I have cancer. Or rather, I HAD cancer. That's another thing... how do you come to grips with laying on a bed and having cancer and waking up later and you don't have cancer? I'm still struggling with the concept that after four months of chemotherapy and a mastectomy -- now, I DON'T have cancer. I barely accepted that I had breast cancer in the first place. But after sitting in the cancer center for four months getting chemo infusions and then having my breast surgically removed... it finally clicked. They are now trying to convince me that the cancer is gone.

Ugh. I felt fine before... they said I was sick. I feel sick now... they say that I'm fine. My world is upside down. 

I've been going through hell for 5-6 months and just like that... I don't have cancer. I guess its not just like that when I think about it, but it feels just odd. I've been sporting my Fck cancer t-shirt around the house lately. I almost feel bold enough to wear it in public. I'm still just that angry. But then, I don't want to upset people with profanity on my shirt in public. Lawd knows I'm angry enough to do it though.

Fck Cancer T-Shirt
Available here: http://bit.ly/FCKCancer

I Am ANGRY! I guess it's normal though

I don't know when that anger will ease up, but I imagine that it will soon enough. Tonight is a rough night emotionally. I'm pissed off today -- been pissed all week to tell the truth. I hate feeling this way but I just think that cancer is so "not fair".

Not fair to me, not fair to anyone who gets it or the people who love them. It's not fair. The price is so high. But I guess the payoff is something good. A changed perspective about life. Or, if life ends... and end to pain and misery. It still seems like a really high price to pay. We all have our crosses to bear though, right?

I am really just sooooo angry now. I'm in pain. I'm tired like I've never been tired before. I want my breast back. Its just all too much. Too, too, too much. 

I'm just glad I'm not as mad and sad as I was months ago. I've definitely come a long way in my outlook. I just feel like I have a ways to go to get back to being just cheery again.

My hot flashes are still coming on strong every day. A few during the day... most at night. The night sweats are still around too. Making me miserable. My "fabulous boobie" (that's the one that had to be sacrificed for my life)... looks awful. Not in a sickly way but in a generally not pleasing to the eye sort of way. The breast area (because you know the breast is really, really GONE now!) is really dark and the skin is thickening. I don't know if its scar tissue (as my radiation doctor says) or if it's the effects of the radiation -- probably both. I have these low-grade pains all the time. But... that's to be expected as well.

I have been feeling rather weak this past week -- sort of like I'm coming down with a cold or the flu or something. Learned yesterday that the fatigue is a cumulative side effect of the radiation. But since I'm only halfway through the treatment, I'm guessing that I'm going to have to push back my estimated return to work date. Sista is really tired right now. And I'm not quite ready for that full work day. If I had to go to work today, I'd need a nap by the time I got to the office. I am just that tired.

My mother has been laughing at me this week because I'm walking with a little hitch in my stride. (haha) But I'm achy all the way into my bones (which PISSES me off). I thought I was done with this part of the ride. lol... My fingers (joints/knuckles) really ache late at night. I'm popping Tylenol about twice a day now to help with the pain.

Sigh... but what am I gonna do? I have to go through it to get to the other side. I'm just looking forward to the future, ya know? I pop my pills, I sleep as much as I need to. I cry, curse, shout when it hits me... and then I suck it up and realize that I've come too far to quit. 

Some of my tulips are fading away... they are leaning waaaaay over to the side. I feel like them a little bit. But a good number of them are still standing strong and giving me beauty to look at. I feel just a little bit like them too.

Caring for my skin is a JOB now and I take it seriously

I love Aquaphor now. I keep a jar at all times.
Click the image to learn more. 

My hair is really starting to show up... got a couple of bald spots but it is definitely starting to sprout! So is the hair on the other parts of my body. Yikes! I'm not quite ready to shave my legs yet but soon... I won't be able to fake it much longer. But that's a good thing. A return to a little bit of normal.

Udderly Smooth is a great body cream. Very soothing.
Click the image to learn more.

The radiation therapist told me that I have to use Aquaphor or Udderly Smooth body cream on my fabulous boobie. But I'm wondering why I can't use shea or cocoa butter. (shrug) I don't know, but I'm not questioning it. I'll use those later after they tell me that I'm all clear for takeoff. I just want to follow directions for now.

Since the chemotherapy, I am very sensitive about what I use on my skin. My skin looks pretty dry and flaky. I'm not used to that. But I will nurse this skin back to smooth, even toned health very soon. Just need to get through this part of the journey.

Hmm... what else? Oh... I GAINED weight this week. Can you believe that? After 6 months of losing weight, this week I gained 2 pounds. My mom and I think that either I'm constipated or retaining water (hahaha) because I don't eat that much. But I was rather greedy for a few days over the weekend last week, so maybe the tide is turning.

I'm still 30 pounds down overall so I am not going to sweat 2 pounds. I can't even focus on those two pounds if I wanted to because my focus is on getting through these next few weeks. And then getting through the next 8 months of herceptin treatments. And somewhere along the way -- the reconstruction of my new fabulous boobie.

(shaking my head) It is still very unbelievable.

I still find all of this overwhelming and difficult to fully absorb. And I hate that I feel like I'm not "getting it"... but I really don't understand how or why. I wonder if I will always question this period in my life. At any rate... that's how I'm feeling today.

It's March 2009... I started on this journey in July 2008 and I won't be done with my active treatment until November (when I finish my herceptin). Then I have 5 years of something else (can't recall the name, starts with a T). It just goes on and on...

One of my friends at radiation treatment said to me the first or second week -- that cancer is now considered a "chronic" illness. That was supposed to make me happy. She was trying to lift my spirits because I looked rather sad that day. I worked hard to eek out a smile for her.

I wanted to cry though.

This lovely lady is probably 20 years older than I am -- so perhaps our life perspectives are a little different. She thinks that dealing with a chronic illness is ok. I think that it is difficult to wrap my head around being healthy one day and chronically ill the next. Chronic means that forever and ever this will be part of my life. I'm just having a difficult time accepting that.

Sickness is supposed to go away -- eventually. You get over a cold or the flu. You get over a broken arm or leg. I'm supposed to get over this. But, even when they tell me that I'm cancer-free -- it's still a burden that I will have to carry for the rest of my life.

How do I make peace with that?

That's where my head is tonight... trying to make peace out of this. I am now going to go have some cake and ice cream. I am still awake and I don't feel like taking a sleeping pill tonight.

Thanks for listening (again)

~Nic

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feeling like spring...

We got walloped with snow Sunday night/Monday morning. It was so pretty coming down and looked amazing blanketing everything in white and silence. But even though winter is still showing its face... I'm feeling like spring over here.

Spring is my FAVORITE season of the year. Partially because I was born in the spring, but also because I just love seeing everything come alive after the hibernation period of winter.

I feel like I've been hibernating all winter myself. And now... I'm feeling like springtime over here. Like... in just a few more days or weeks... I'll be all brand new and shiny again.

My hair has started to sprout and my nails are trying to do their thing too. My energy is a little higher and I generally just feel pretty good.

I have noticed a few differences lately -- like I've been eating like a pig these past couple of days and I'm a little crabby -- but I'm wondering if its my pms making a return (which contrary to how it sounds would be good news actually). We'll see in awhile if that's what's going on.


Well... let me warn ya now... my birthday is coming up. And its a BIGGIE. So... by the time April rolls around you can expect me to be really rather obnoxious about it. If birthday celebrations aren't your thing, I'm going to give you time to turn away now. :)

The birthdate is May 1st.

That's about all for now... I don't feel like complaining about all the aches and pains. I've got some really pretty tulips to look at... spring is on its way!!

Yippee!

~Nic