I'm hoping that tomorrow will be better. Today was hard. Yesterday was hard too. Pretty much... every moment since I learned about Fran's death has been difficult. Fran is the second breast cancer sister I've known this year to die.
I cried so much yesterday and today... that now I feel sick. I stayed home from work today because I was an emotional wreck and I just wasn't feeling well. Its a bad combination -- aches and pains, along with grief and heartache.
I'm being a whiny baby about this and I know it. But I'm honestly struggling with handling the deaths of other breast cancer patients. Its like for every step forward, every moment of joy... there is a step backwards and moments of agony. Its just not fair.
I'm shedding tears for all of us who have to deal with this. Patients, family, friends, and medical staff. Its so hard. Like fighting a ghost or something. You do what worked before and you hope that it works again. You do what you're told will work best... and you pray that cancer doesn't find you again.
I've never been very good with uncertainty and change. But I've been working on learning to go with the flow for years and I have gotten better. I know that there's still work for me to do.
A few weeks ago, I was chatting with an old friend from college. Her mother passed away years ago from cancer and she was just talking to me about my disease. She mentioned to me that she felt that her mother had given up and that's why she was gone now. But my friend Monica didn't believe that I would give up, and she expected me to live a long time.
I don't know what stage of cancer Monica's mother had, or what her prognosis was... so I don't know what her state of mind was at the time of her passing. But I know that the uncertainty of all of this is really hard to handle. Right now, I don't feel like giving up. I feel that there's a lot of life left for me to experience and enjoy and I want to do that. What makes me pause, and makes me cry and worry... is that I don't have any control over this. I can read everything I get my hands on -- most of it conflicts with other reports every day -- but it might not be enough. I do what my doctors tell me to do -- but there's always a possibility that I'm the exception to the rule.
Its overwhelming sometimes to think about all the possibilities.
I know that this sadness will pass. I hope that its gone by the time I wake up in the morning, actually. I just keep thinking about everything and everyone in my life. Thinking about Fran's death makes me think about my own. I suppose that when that day comes, I won't be sad anymore. But until then, I'm going to keep fighting to stay alive and to live a good life.
Don't mind my tears and sobs. Just a temporary state of mind. Deep down, I'm happy. Pretty soon, I'll be laughing again.
Just not tonight.
