My facebook friends can tell you... my status reports these past couple of days have been somber and sad. My heart is very heavy. My body is going through something -- maybe its nerves and anxiety -- and I've been sick to my stomach for days now. I don't think I've picked up a bug, but I will continue to monitor myself for any other changes.
But I think that I, as well as all the other breast cancer survivors (including family and friends) could use a prayer boost right now. Cancer attacked my body and I've been fighting it since day 1. Now, something is attacking my spirit and its dragging me down.
I just read a blog entry of another breast cancer sister. She is going through chemotherapy and her body is not handling it well. She's been in and out of the hospital with various infections since she started. Her doctor finally told her that they were going to stop the chemotherapy at 4 rounds, instead of pushing on to 6 because her body wasn't handling the infusions well. So, now although she feels some relief from going through another 2 rounds of chemo, she's now afraid that maybe 4 isn't enough. She's scared and tired.
I know how she feels. I went through 8 rounds of chemo and although my body handled things relatively well -- I still ended up in the hospital a couple of times myself. Its frightening. Your body hurts, you are scared and you don't know if the decisions that you're making are the right ones.
I left a comment on Sheri's blog that... the hardest thing right now is learning to live with the unknown. The best part of being an adult is being in control of your own life. Cancer takes that control from you. You never know if you've tried enough, done enough, to make a difference. You don't know if doing everything your doctors tell you to do is the right thing. Or would it be better to skip the western medicine and go the alternative/natural path? No assurances either way. No one can promise you that "this" path is the right path.
And that's frightening. Because you're already feeling so close to death as it is, that you absolutely do not want to take the wrong step off the short ledge.
The bottomline for me is that I'm scared. I'm scared that after doing all the things I've been told will help, after cutting off body parts, and sitting through hours upon hours of chemo... that in the end, none of that will matter and the end result will be that cancer still had its way.
Fran's death is hitting me so hard because she did all the right things. She fought the cancer hard. She was diligent. And in the end, it didn't stop the cancer from finding her again and hitting her even harder.
How do you keep finding the strength to fight an enemy you can't see coming? Where does that energy come from?
My family reunion is this weekend in Birmingham, Alabama. I had not planned to attend. Lots of reasons, none of them good really... but I just didn't feel up to it. Today, I'm going to see if I can take the time off of work and go down to visit my family. I'd rather see them now, even with this immense sadness in my heart... than to have the next time they see me be at my funeral.
Stepping out of my comfort zone (because I'd rather curl up in my bed and close the curtains and just cry) because I'm hoping it will shake up my mood. Help me find some joy and laughter again.
Please say a prayer for all of us struggling with cancer today. We need it.
