The theme of the week is "walk in love". I got that from my event on Saturday afternoon with the sisters and brothers of IASK. Before my talk, the group discussed walking in love as a way of life. We were tasked with showing love to someone (friend, family, colleague, etc.) who had been unloving toward us.
The sister who came to mind for me as someone I needed to show love to, was a sister whose name I don't even know. Some of you may remember her from a post back in December. She was the receptionist at the plastic surgeon's office who left me and my boyfriend sitting in the waiting room for hours, because she failed to properly (at all) process my information so that I could see the doctor in a timely fashion. During that time I was rundown from the chemo and I just refused to be negative or harsh to anyone. But what that meant was that in some situations (like that one) I allowed myself to be taken advantage of. (shrug)
I have seen that sister again because I'm in that medical building all the time for my treatments. Most of the doctors that I see are housed there. Although on that day, my boyfriend and I did make a comment to one of the nurses who did eventually get a chance to assist me, I have still harbored some negative feelings about her lack of professionalism and pitiful empathy for a sick person (me). When I have seen her again, all I could do was roll my eyes, and avoid talking to her at any cost. My rationale has been that I don't like her but I may have to deal with her so if I don't say anything to her I will be able to continue to conduct my business with minimal distractions between us. But... outside of her job as the receptionist, she's a human being. And in all honesty, she probably was just in a mindless space that day and simply forgot about me. It was close to the holidays. So far, the only person who has really been harmed in the transaction is me -- because I'm holding a grudge against someone I don't even know for an infraction she probably doesn't even remember committing.
I need to let it go and walk in love.
It was 5 months ago. (smile) You would think after all of the medical personnel that I have dealt with, she wouldn't even register in my mind. Sadly, she does. So, I am thinking of a way that I can be loving toward her... and hopefully remove this feeling in my heart that I have.
On Sunday, I spoke at "Women Speak" and it was an equally awesome experience. I talked about my experience but I also talked about how important it is for all of us to just let people "love on us". Black women are great at loving on others - family, friends, kids, etc. We make it our business to love and care and nurture those people in our lives. But when it comes to allowing others to take care of us, to simply "love on" us... we often balk. We lean back on our superwoman capes and tell ourselves (and anyone who will listen) that we don't "need" anything. That we can do it by ourselves.
And while that's true probably -- you CAN do it by yourself -- sometimes you really have to just be strong enough to rest, relax and let someone else love on you. The ladies at Women Speak loved on me Sunday afternoon. They laid hands on me, said a prayer for my healing and blessed my heart with their ability to love me -- even as I sat in front of them talking about how broken and heart-broken I felt. They just "loved on" me (little ol' me). And it was so beautiful.
I've been thinking about this weekend all day, I'm still in the bed because this cold I caught last week, just won't turn me loose. I've come to the conclusion that, I don't let people love on me enough. I stood in the middle of that circle on Sunday and cried like a baby. It felt so good to be loved on that way.
One of the hardest parts about breaking up with someone (yes, I'm talking about him again, lol)... is that you miss the intimacy that being in a relationship brings to your life. I miss the hugs and cheek-kisses, the laughs and hand-holding. And I didn't know how much I missed it until my sistas shared their hugs and kisses with me on Sunday.
When you're sick, people see you in your most fragile and vulnerable state. And they don't want to cause you any pain, so they often treat you gingerly. That's actually fine. And since I've been in treatment, I've had a few problems because of infections that have left me in the hospital or in the bed for days at a time. The truth is that my immune system is weakened and my body spends a lot of energy trying to heal itself. So, while I know logically that its best for me not to touch, hug, etc. lots of people... my spirit does still need that human connection from time to time.
I let the women who attended Women Speak love on me (see the picture of all the women holding their hands on me) and I feel so blessed because of it.
Let somebody love on you. And if there is someone who is unloving to you, show them some love this week. It may make a difference.
