This post was shared in my online social group last week by one of the group members. I wanted to share her message because her issue with her "fabulous boobies" - though brief - was a great reminder that taking care of yourself is a responsibility that we all have. The story doesn't have to start (or end) with cancer. Sometimes an obstacle can be merely a bump in the road that reminds us that tomorrow isn't promised so let's take care of today. [May, 2009]
~Nic
"My Ode To Nicole"
As some of you may know, I've been a member of the group for years. Alternating between active (LOUD) and not-so-active (LURKING). I've received a lot from this board; many laughs, some outrage, a little arrogance, some humbling, and even some tears.The tears were more suprising to me. I'm an empathetic person, caring and kind, but with this vast virtual world of the internet, feelings and emotions - especially those which brings tears - are far and few between for me. Ahh, but I've been selfish with DCSG...cherry picking the best information and laughs and using the group when necessary. Not malicious, but somehow unfair to those who put so much time and effort to keep this group what is has been and allowing it to grow to where it is.
During this past year, I've been almost riveted in my seat reading Nicole's blog about breast cancer and her journey. Frozen sometimes. She once asked us to share how her blog and experience might have affected us and I literally froze. Me!? I couldn't get it out. I didn't even know what I was trying to get out. It felt scary and ugly and made me emotional and I didn't understand why. I felt that the blog was so personal and I was sneaking and reading someone's diary when I shouldn't. I didn't want to hear about her pain, but I couldn't stop reading. I wondered why I read about the boyfriend one day and then thereafter I didn't and I was scared to ask - but I wanted to know. I constantly looked down at my (not so big) breasts and realized that I never gave them much thought - not really any consideration. My breast are moderate in size - big enough to have cleavage - small and high enough to go braless. I thought them cute and functional.
Just being 37, I didn't have a requirement to get an annual mammogram. I'd had a fibroid adenoma when I was in high school, so I half-heartedly performed self-exams and went for my yearly pap/exam checkups so I never bothered. I'll wait til I'm 40 I said.
So a little over a month ago, I found a lump during one of my shower self-exams. And I kept feeling and feeling and pressing it to make sure that I wasn't freaking myself out in some way. And there it was - pretty large and defined and just....there. I asked my husband to come take a feel and he said he felt it too. And I lost it. I don't know why but I FREAKED OUT. I remember telling myself if only I'd call Nicole or sent her that damn purse she wanted or bought her that Kindle like I wanted to or simply responded to her request on how this affected us. I remembered feeling sad - not pity - but just a great sadness for her but mostly and selfishly just scared for me.
I scheduled my doctor's visit and when I arrived I told myself over and over not to cry. But as soon as I saw my doctor's face I just burst in tears. She was a little taken aback to say the least, LOL, but when she realized why I was there, she moved quickly to sooth me and proceeded with her examination. And that's when she told me that I was going to have to have a mammogram because there was definitely SOMETHING there. So I scheduled my appointment for a week and a half later (May 11). During this time, all I kept thinking about was this SOMETHING. I would find myself absently rubbing on it while watching tv or in my office. I would read everything that I could about lumps and bumps and borrowed Dr. Susan Love's Breast Book from a friend of mine.
And then I went back and read Nicole's blog from the beginning. And I laughed and cried and cried some more and laughed again and smiled and then cried some more.
I went in for my mammogram this Monday. My husband came but wasn't allowed "in the back" as it's for ladies' only. When I went back and undressed and sat waiting in my gown, I looked around at all the other girls/women there and wondered - is she like me wondering? Is she a survivor? Is this just her check up?
I didn't know so I didn't speak to anyone for fear that I would upset someone. So I sat quietly and then thought of all the times that Nicole has gone through this and all the sitting and waiting and wondering and pondering and I think that's when it hit me.
I didn't realize why I was so scared and quiet through Nicole's experience. But the only way that I know how to say this is to just say it. When faced with someone else's mortality you are often faced with your own. And I just wasn't ready. I don't know if some of us are, more so than others, I don't know if it's because of guilt or fear of the unknown. It reminds me of people who say that they wouldn't want one of those virtual body scans because they really wouldn't want to know if something was "wrong".
If someone could tell you when "the end" was going to be for you - would you really want to know? Well, I didn't and I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to think of leaving my son alone with no family (outside of my husband who is not his father) or just not being. I wasn't prepared to face that. And I don't think I'm strong; Nicole often said that she didn't think she was or that maybe that phrase was annoying in some way, but I have to disagree. Strong is the spirit within you that makes you stand up and face the world and everything that it brings you. Nicole has been and is strong enough to not only face these issues, but to share them with us?! Do you know the gift that she's given you?
So I had my mammogram. It was uncomfortable. It was not painful. And it was not cancer. It was a cyst - fluid filled and taken care of right there by the radiologist.
And I wanted to share this and to thank you, Nicole, because I don't know if I would have taken it seriously or gone to the doctor or had a mammogram or checking myself each month if it wasn't for you and what you've shared. I don't know if I would have made that living will in November or told my mother how much she really meant to me if it wasn't for you encouraging us and reminding us of those we love.
So this is my ode to you and to share with you what your gift of story has done for me. I'm so glad that things seem to be turning a corner for the best in your journey. I'm so grateful to you for just being you and sharing yourself and your joy (and sorrows) with me.
Be Blessed!!!!
Div aka Sharon
*DCSG (DC Sistagirls) is an online social networking group of professional African-American women. While based in DC, the group is open to black women anywhere. We have moved from our original yahoo group and now meet on Facebook. If you're interested in joining the group, check us out here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/dcsistagirls/
