What I'm feeling right now is more of a dull ache that is throughout my body. In that specific area, my skin and muscles are tender to the touch -- much like a bad sunburn. It is most uncomfortable when I lay down to rest and/or sleep (which is actually quite often). But the pain isn't so sharp that tylenol can't take the edge off and allow me to be more comfortable.
I'd take a picture but it is extremely disgusting looking... so I don't think I should share that with you. It is difficult to apply the creams that I've been given to my skin because of the tenderness and the rawness of the wound. I was alarmed this morning to find that so much fluid had expressed through the wound through the night. It had leaked through the bandage and into my nightshirt. However, when the doctor looked at it today -- she told me that it was quite normal.
Normal.
I don't think that after all this is over I will ever think of normal in the same way again. Everything that is absolutely the antithesis of what I think normal is -- is being labeled as normal now. Its mind-bending actually. But, its okay.
Oh, I lost the last little fingernail that was holding on today. While waiting for the radiation nurse to look at my wounds, I was fumbling with my purse and my chart and pop! off it went. I actually laughed out loud. It threw her off for a moment and she started to move quickly to find me bandage. I just didn't need it. But luckily, it took a long time for this nail to fall off, long enough that the nail underneath has grown almost to the end of my finger. My nails are looking much better (to me)... however, I don't think they look as good to other people. The look on my friend's face Friday night when I showed my hands to her, reminded me that where I see progress others may not. And that's okay too.
My hair is still growing in nicely and its still really straight. I was told by someone (can't remember who at the moment) that in a year or so it may return to its previous state. Kinky and wavy as opposed to straight. My gray patch returned and I am actually quite happy to see it.
I also noticed today some burned skin on my neck. And I realized that it is more radiated skin that will likely slough off in the near future. I'm hoping that it won't blister and peel like the skin around my breast/and under my arm because it doesn't appear to be as burned as the other skin. Of course, I know nothing... (haha) and eventually everything I think I know turns out to be untrue. So... we will see.
I felt pretty bad this weekend. I had a grand time on Friday night and my spirits were definitely lifted from spending time with friends. However, Saturday and Sunday were complete busts. I could barely walk or stand for long. My sleep was fitful and I was achy all over. I think that the accumulation of radiation runs me down more than I expect by the end of the week. That's a guess.
At any rate, last week was really emotional. I'm hoping that this week will be more peaceful and that I will get some much needed rest.
I was feeling philosophical earlier this evening... reflecting on my life and the relationships that I've had over the years. I was going to write something about living above regrets and finding peace and solace with the choices I've made. But now, I'm not thinking that any of that needs to be articulated (in detail) tonight. Basically, I'm pretty tired. I've already taken my tylenol pm and am waiting for it to kick in. Tomorrow will be a long day... chemo for a couple of hours and then radiation. So, I imagine that tomorrow evening... I won't be very chatty.
I'm planning to post a new picture of myself soon. (as soon as I take one, haha) I don't look like Uncle Fester anymore.
...some of my cuteness has returned.
