How Are You Supposed To Feel About Your Breasts While Fighting Breast Cancer?

How are you supposed to feel about your breasts while fighting breast cancer? 

I just wanted to get my eyebrows done & treat my mother

Today was supposed to be a good day. And for the most part, I guess it was. It was beautiful outside. I only had to go to radiation and then to get my eyebrows waxed. I was really looking forward to getting my brows done. It was a step toward getting back to normal. I know, just a little thing... but that's what I needed today. A little step forward.

Unfortunately, we both had terrible service. And walked out of the salon with bald spots in our eyebrows. The trip wasn't great. All I wanted was to treat my mom and say thanks (again) for putting up with the daily trips to the hospital. But since I had hyped myself up about the experience, leaving disappointed just didn't help my spirits.

But, after thinking about my day... I think that it was, in fact, a good day. Because it was NORMAL. I'm so desperate to feel normal again... I almost forgot that normal means sometimes you're happy, sometimes you're sad, sometimes you're salty and sometimes you're mad. I have been ALL of that in just one day.

Just my general mood about breast cancer.
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But what's really bothering me? Breast reconstruction surgery is coming up

My reconstruction has been on my mind a lot these past few days since I know that I will be ending my radiation treatment in a few weeks. Once I was told that I was at the halfway mark, I started getting excited and thinking about returning to my life. Going back to work, getting in some travel here and there... planning for the future. And after I daydreamed for a few days, I remembered that I have more surgery in my future. I freaked out a little bit.

Just reading through some a breast cancer message board about what can be expected from the reconstruction surgery... made me remember why I was so excited at the notion of having both the mastectomy and the reconstruction at the same time. And why I'm so scared now that it didn't happen that way.

There are a lot of variables and I'm afraid

I'm worried about a lot of things... more time off from work, the possibilities of complications or problems with surgery, the follow-up surgeries that I may need. I am now wondering if having a replacement breast is worth it. I just don't know. I could lose my job. I could end up sicker. The surgery could fail and I never get another breast. I could die.

Is it worth all of that?

I do know that right now, not having a left breast doesn't feel wrong; it just doesn't feel like me. I feel non-sexual without my breast. But I don't think it's as much the loss of the breast as it is the constant exposure to medical personnel.

Sharing your body with someone is special, sacred really. You don't do it often with different people (typically) and you choose who you share it with. IUnless you're sick... then you show it all the time to all sorts of people you don't know. And the choice isn't really yours. It is the nature of "getting treated". I've spent the past 8 months showing my body to so many people that I've become numb. The constant exposure has stripped away some of my sacred mystery.

This is how I feel about my missing breast. What am I
supposed to do without it? 

I don't feel womanly: is it because I don't have my breast or because someone non-intimate is always touching me?

Today in radiation, I laid on the table and pulled the gown down over my nub, like I do every day. There are three technicians in the room usually... one person adjusting machines and two others writing on me and lining me up. (its weird) So, while the guy is drawing his lines and dashes around my nub/breast and one girl is scribbling on my side, I notice that she adjusts my gown to cover my right breast. And the thought passed my mind... why bother? It's like... am I supposed to be sexual on my right side but non-sexual on my left (where my breast was). How does that work?

Either all of me is sexual or none of me is sexual. And the constant poking, picturing, writing, gawking at where my breast used to be has removed any of the "magic" I once felt about myself. I'm not explaining this well but it just is crazy to me. All of it. How do I get back to feeling sexy? How do I get back to feeling like this is "my" body and not a science experiment?

This is why getting my eyebrows done matters to this unsettled feeling

Getting my eyebrows done was supposed to be an initial step on that journey to getting back to me. It was a little step but it meant that I had brows to shape and growing hair means I'm getting better.

Buying a wig is supposed to be the next step. Still not sure about that one. I keep looking at wigs but nothing makes me happy and I hate how I look in the wigs that I've tried. Again... I'm feeling not quite like Nicole. I want a new breast especially since I can't have the old one back. But I'm wondering if another surgery is worth the risk and will it give "me" back to myself?

A few months ago, I was thinking about the reconstruction and reading the stories of women who chose not to have reconstruction. And at the time, I could not understand how they felt or how they managed to be comfortable in their skin with one breast. Now, I'm so unsure.

I am tired. Tired of it all. Going to the hospital. Being stared at and gawked at. Being drawn on and stuck with needles. Tired of going in and out of machines. Tired of going to the hospital every single day. Tired of having only one breast. Just tired. This has gotten to be too much... and I'm really only halfway through it all. If that.

I want ME back! All of me, the silliness, the sexiness... the "me" that just doesn't exist right now. The girl who would act like this... and laugh.

I miss my tig ol' bitties... I miss ME!! 

Right now, I rarely wear my prosthetic breastform for my left side. I just walk around (with my bad self, lol) with one big ol' boob on the right. Since I don't really go too many places, it doesn't matter to me if folks at the hospital realize that I only have one breast. They've seen worse. Today was the first time I had a moment of embarrassment because I didn't have the form on. And while that is a strange feeling, when I thought about it later on it gave me a moment of hope because it meant that some of the old Nicole was still there. The vain part -- and I like that part a lot.

I'm going to happy hour tomorrow and I'll be wearing my breastform. Its bad enough that I'm not wearing a wig to cover up my peach fuzz... and that I've got a big ol' bald spot in the middle of my right eyebrow... I won't drag everybody further down by looking lopsided in my clothes as well. Yes, there is some vanity still in there... even in this broken down, lopsided body.

Should I reconstruct or not? Is it worth it to my self-esteem to go through another major surgery? I don't know...and that scares me.

Reconstruction is a major commitment and it looks like the recovery period won't be quite as easy as the recovery from my mastectomy. That free tummy tuck comes at a price. I just have to get prepared to pay it. The question for me is... can I do this too?

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