I spent about 20 minutes last night just staring at myself in the mirror. Naked from the waist up, I just looked at my body. Tried to take in all the details. The white x's and dashes on my skin (left there by the radiation techs) along with some blue lines drawn as well. I stared at the difference in my skin color between the radiated area and the rest of my chest. I have an approximately 5 inch square area of my skin and portion of my underarm that is probably 10 shades darker than the rest of me. I looked at how my breasts looked drastically different from each other now. I just stared.
I didn't cry or smile. I didn't think any thoughts. I just looked. And after I put on my medicated cream and the aquaphor lotion and got into bed, I thought about the journey of my cancer treatment.
I went to sleep late, and I tossed and turned. I had crazy dreams; most of which I don't remember. All that stuck with me when I opened my eyes this morning was that I was losing my teeth (in my dream). I remember running my tongue across my teeth for several minutes... just making sure that they were still there (smile). And they were.
So... I woke up late, feeling weird, very tired and a bit out of sorts. But today was radiation day -- just like every day -- and I couldn't stay in bed. I am not quite sure why but radiation treatment makes me tired. The radiation therapist told me that fatigue was normal because the radiation is killing a lot of cells and my body extends a lot of energy making up the difference. (shrug) I will take her at her word. All I know is that everyday gets a little more difficult to walk and move. And it takes just a little more effort to get up and stay up.
I watched Oprah today. Montell Williams was her main guest. He talked about his MS and how his life has changed because of it. There were clips of other celebrities talking about their various illnesses and the devastation they felt at their diagnosis. I could totally relate. But they also spoke about how they moved beyond their diseases emotionally and walked into a different space. And that inspired me to think more about how cancer has changed my life.
I'm moving into a new phase of my illness and that is transitioning back to "normal" life. But... it is a new normal and I will have to be a new Nic. I've been fighting that thought for a long time. I was just getting to where I really appreciated the old Nic. She was a really great girl -- a little self-focused but generally a good person. I don't know who the new Nic is. At least not yet. But for the past 2 hours all I can think about is how good God is and has been to me.
For so long I was mad that God planted these cancerous cells in my body. He knew what I didn't...that one day they would live beyond their lifetimes and form tumors in my body that would threaten my life. He knew that. And yet... he planted in me some really big dreams (some of which have come true and many more that have not).
He gave me life more abundantly... down to the cellular level.
What is cancer? Basically, it is a genetic mutation where some cells don't die when they are supposed to. Because they don't die, they end up collecting in your body in places where they don't belong. Ultimately creating problems for the cells and organs that do belong.
This post may not make any sense but I am feeling grateful to be here. They say that God doesn't put on you more than you can bear. And I promise you there have been so many nights that I cried myself to sleep feeling like I couldn't take one more minute of having cancer. But, the next minute came and I was still here so that shows you how much I know. I have super-big dreams... and tonight I'm feeling that if I can make it through this then I can make those dreams come true too.
God gave me a reminder that I really can do anything... even survive breast cancer. I'm feeling humbled by that thought and blessed.
