I have had three days without going to the doctor. Woohoo! A very very tiny thing but a beautiful mercy for me. With my dad out of town for the weekend, my mom did not cook. Woohoo! Another mercy for me.
Let me clarify... my mother is a great cook but honestly, most days I could really survive (and be happy too) with a bowl of cereal or a grilled cheese sandwich. My appetite just isn't what it used to be. So, three days where I could indulge in sandwiches, hot dogs, cereal, pancakes... was beautiful. (reminded me of living alone... where you ate what you wanted, when you wanted and NOBODY said a word to you -- that is a good feeling y'all) I miss living alone. :)
I didn't do anything spectacular this weekend. Pouted a bit like I said -- I have to say that I absolutely DETEST spending Valentine's day alone. I know that many people don't like the holiday, don't believe in it and all that but I love it because I love what it stands for. Yes, it may be a "made up" holiday but seriously... they all are. Someone at some point in time decided that it was a good idea to honor a specific concept or person and then they convinced others of the importance of this celebratory honor until... tada! We have a holiday. What frustrates me about all the Valentine's day backlash is the absurd belief that you can only celebrate the day by spending tons of money and/or being commercial with your expression. Hello?? You can do whatever you want -- its about you and your special loved one(s) and no one else. Just like you have the option to create the type of Christmas (if you celebrate) you want -- you can design your own Valentine's day celebration. SIGH... unless the person/people you want to celebrate with refuse to. Then... you're in my boat. Excited but alone. By the way... I'm the only person at my house who loves Valentine's day. My parents could not care less.
I meant to order myself some flowers but I could not make a decision on a bouquet that I liked so... I ordered some books and a few dvds from amazon.com instead. I spent the weekend watching sappy love stories and embracing all the corny stuff that I love about Valentine's day. It was cool. Helped me to release some of my frustration about being alone, and being home. I think next year I will take myself on a trip or a cruise -- and not even deal with the notion of expecting someone to enjoy and embrace what I love about the "love" holiday.
I've been listening to Donnie McClurkin for the past couple of days. Great is your mercy towards me... has been a balm to my restless spirit this weekend. One of the things I'm really hating/loathing/despising about cancer is how it makes me feel so weak. That weakness has challenged my faith. I know God is a healer. I know that God can do all things. Yet... I have cancer. Maybe its because I don't understand "why" I have cancer, that I feel so slightly removed from God. I don't doubt that He loves me, I just don't understand this trial. It could be worse, I know. But it could also be so much better. (been digging up some Sam Cooke too) I have complained and whined and danced and cried and fretted and smiled... through this whole process. But no matter how sad I may be at any given moment, God has been so merciful towards me and my family and I am grateful for that.
Tomorrow I resume my radiation treatment and I'm going to work on stretching my left arm more today so that its not quite as tight. I found some books on stretching and exercises for breast cancer patients so I'm looking forward to working out the kinks and getting myself together. I am ready to go back to work, to get back out in the world again. I'm planning to go to Miami in May to celebrate my birthday and I want to start looking for vacation clothing. I am really hoping that nothing comes up that keeps me from celebrating my birthday with this trip.
I feel the urge for a bowl of honey nut cheerios... woo hoo!! Little things, make me so happy. I will definitely take that lesson with me after this ordeal is over. Being single has often felt like a curse but being unable to do what you want, move as you please has definitely shown me that being single is a major blessing...
Great is your mercy towards me
Your loving kindness towards me
Your tender mercies I seek
Day after day...
Forever faithful towards me
Always providing for me
Great is your mercy towards me
Great is your grace...
