This year has flown by... the last 6 months have been a blur for me. Doctor visits, hospital trips, needles, needles, did I mention needles?? lol... and lots of medication.
But its Christmas. :) How beautiful is that?
When I was told back in July that I had cancer, I did not know whether I would make it to Christmas. Everyone around me had far more faith than I did -- all I knew is that the boogeyman had finally found his way to my door. And I wasn't sure that I would be able to beat him.
Honestly speaking, I think his kryptonite must be tears and prayers... because that's all I've had in my arsenal for months. But whatever it has taken to beat him off, its working... my tumors are shrinking, I'm preparing for surgery and by the time its warm again on a regular basis, I should be back to full speed. That is awesome. I am humbled and happy.
I want to say thank you to everyone who has said a prayer, thought a kind thought for me, done a favor, sent a gift or a card, or just listened to me whine and cry through all of this. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU. Its not quite over, there will be more tears shed and more prayers needed... but the halfway mark is looking quite good to me right now.
Its Christmas and because of the economy it seems like a more dismal Christmas than usual. Well, it seems that other people are more dismal this Christmas. I am pretty upbeat (minus the past 3 days) and happy. Its Christmas! (Imagine me doing one of the dances that the Peanuts gang does during their Christmas special... head down, feet jamming!)
Its Christmas. I have friends and family who love me, who think about me and who share this load with me (as much as they can). I can't buy all the gifts and trinkets I want, but... I know that if something happens in the middle of the night and I call out, somebody will hear me. That is so priceless for me right now.
Usually at Christmas I'm pretty down. I tend to get caught up in a mental game of "I remember"... and it usually centers on all the friends and relatives who have passed away and how much I miss them. This year, I didn't get down. I got excited. I got happy. The same friends and relatives are gone but now I feel them with me. I can recollect good memories and smile, instead of feeling sad.
I've had some AMAZING friends (including those related to me) over the years. Beautiful, wonderful people... who for reasons I don't know... were not destined to see Christmas 2008. But what I realized recently is that each of them left so much with me, just by being themselves fully and freely... that I think I'm a better person for having known them and shared time with them.
One good friend who comes to mind is Kyatta Sullivan. Keke passed away about 15 years ago... and I can see her smile, and hear her voice like we talked yesterday. I realized last weekend, that Alandria reminds me of Keke. Same bubbly spirit, same creative passion, similar looks too. I missed Keke something SERIOUS when she passed. We were so young, we had so many dreams and plans... we were just kids really, hitting our stride (lol) in our 20's. And then poof... she was gone. And all I had for years and years were questions. Her death changed me in ways that I could not have imagined at all. But now I feel like her spirit for life, her energy for sharing her gifts to the world are part of MY future. I don't know why it took so long for me to get that... but I have it now. I can't sing like Ke could but I can do other things and the main thing I can do is be a good friend, a good relative to everyone in my life.
I know that many of us are sad, scared, depressed this year. But please, I beg of you... to lift your eyes up just a bit. We live in a beautiful world. We are surrounded by blessings everyday. Big and small. If you're able to read this blog, you're more blessed than most people in the world. I know it gets hard out here... but there is nothing that any of us is going through that we can't handle. God has given us so much, so much to be thankful for. So much laughter and joy. So many reasons to be thankful. Just so so much.
I am blessed. I do have cancer but that's only for a short time longer. No matter how scared I get, how many tears I shed... I am very blessed. And you are too.
Merry Christmas!!
~Nic
