**UPDATE: 11/2014**
I wrote this post in early September, 2008. I was still getting adjusted to the idea that I had cancer. I had not yet started my treatment and I was freaked out but optimistic. My optimism was, honestly, because I really didn't have a clear idea just how bad my diagnosis was and I was in a bit of denial. In hindsight, that bit of ignorance probably helped keep my mind and spirits elevated. Which I'm sure helped my healing as well. Read on and catch a glimpse of the early days of this breast cancer journey with my fabulous boobies. ~Nic Nac Paddywack
Getting ready for the first chemotherapy session
So... Thursday is the big C day.CHEMOTHERAPY.
Hmph. At the hospital, they refer to it as an "infusion". That irks me slightly. When I think of infusion... I think of tea, or potpourri... or even vodka... (ciroc infused with fresh pineapple...) but I don't think of chemotherapy or cancer.
It might be a good word for what they do, or what it does to me... but it sounds like a misnomer. Anyhoo...
I spent the weekend with my cousin, alternating between being swamped mentally with the notion that I have cancer... and forgetting during moments of peaceful bliss. She just left a little while ago... and it was a big let down for me. I miss her a lot -- even though, amazingly, we don't always talk a lot when we're together. We are close, and between us a lot goes unsaid but clearly understood. So, I know that she's aware how freaked out I am right now.
Sometimes you just need your best friend, so you don't have to talk
We did all sorts of Nic-Tonia things... like eat, and eat and eat... and laugh at people. We looked at houses dreaming of ways we could afford the unaffordable. We laughed A LOT with my parents... they are funny people. She showed me her birthday shoes ... (they are HAWT!)... and I shared some email giggles w/her. But mostly... we just were together. I'm glad she could afford to come, and that she chose to come. It was really a nice weekend.Sometimes you forget how much someone means to you and how much you miss them... until you see them and it all comes rushing back.
So, since she left, I've been on-line just browsing around... (how do you like the look of the blog now?). And I found quite a few t-shirts that share my current sentiments about cancer. I'm thinking of purchasing a few, maybe I'll wear some to the hospital and others just on the street when I'm hanging out.
What I would like most... is to be able to design and sell some of my own. If you know a good (and reliable) graphic artist, let me know. I am serious about doing this.
Tomorrow's trip to the hospital is to have a CT scan and a PET scan. I don't think it will be painful -- but I think they will utilize my brand-new port. (woo hoo!) They will use these scans to see exactly where in my body the cancer is. It shows more than the mammogram, sonogram and MRI tests I've already been through. So, again, more and more information.
So much information is on the internet
While I've been skipping around the internet this afternoon, I've stumbled on some more cancer blogs. There are so many people affected by cancer... some seem to take it in stride almost, while others are really pissed off and angry. I saw this one blog that a guy wrote about his brother who died of a brain tumor. He was SO ANGRY. From the diagnosis to his brother's death was only 19 months... can you imagine? I could only read a few entries and then it became too upsetting for me.I'm going to be okay. I promise.
I want you to know, even when I'm angry... I'm okay.Even when I'm b*tching and complaining... I'm doing alright.
I am going to be okay and I'm going to come through this more fascinating and beautiful and strong.
No matter what happens... or what they say...
Nic is gonna be alright.
Aight??
